THE MAVERICK LIFE

I DO BELIEVE IN GHOSTS... I DO I DO I DO I DO...

2010-07-25T19:31:00.014-04:00

Where do I begin? How do I approach the idea of conveying to my readers what I find to be the most unbelievable occurrence I've ever experienced? It's rather difficult to express in the written word exactly what it was I experienced in my very own home but what I CAN muster up is that I witnessed a dark, eerie image in my kitchen and I as write this, my heart is forcefully pounding as I'm left in disbelief...

I was taking a shower after a long day's work and as I was lathering my God-like body, I overheard a popping sound, followed by another. After I jumped and clenched my ass cheeks in response to the popping, I rinsed off and wondered if I had left the coffee pot on and was experiencing some sort of electrical problem. I stepped out of the shower, dried myself off and proceeded to walk towards my kitchen when I saw a dark, foreboding image at the entrance of my kitchen walking towards my kitchen window. At that moment, I jumped back a few feet and even questioned if someone had broken into my apartment. I courageously crept back into my kitchen however, flicked on the light but no one to be seen. My kitchen window was locked and my drapes were drawn.

In the past, I've had friends and even some family members who've shared that they experienced unexplained phenomena and begin to describe their encounters in meticulous, eerie detail. Upon this news, I've gotten accustomed to rolling my eyes and chalking up their "experience" as a result of them being slightly crazy or simply unstable.

Although there are a few instances that remain where I question the sanity of an acquaintance or two, I now take the discussion of such entities with a bit more respect and reverence. Below is an image which can best describe what I witnessed in my kitchen:

Yes... my fucking hairs are standing on my neck.

At this moment, I remain perplexed with the idea that all of what I had shunned in the past to be mere fantasy and wild imagination could actually be possible in a world of intelligence and common sense. I only hope that if it was in fact some form of afterlife energy or celestial being, I can only prospect with the thought that it is a peaceful entity who wishes me no harm. Amen?

I ACTUALLY GET ALONG WITH MY COWORKERS

2010-05-18T19:03:00.031-04:00

Many moons ago, I compiled a small list of some of my coworkers and wrote somewhat of a brief bio on them. My intentions were to share some of the characteristics of these people to convey the love and respect I have for each and every one of them. It's not very often you can find a slew of coworkers for whom you mesh with wholeheartedly, so needless to say, I feel very blessed. I have been meaning to do a sort of a "Part II" for some time now but due to my hectic schedule (and complete laziness), I never found or had the chance to. Here is the unofficial continuation as I had left out numerous people in my last posting. Welcome to the school of clowns...

CLAUDIO

Claudio, Claudio, Claudio... where do I begin? Claudio is my brother, my close friend, my confidant, my partner in my daily comedy show and most of all, he's familia. Claudio has become all of the above in the span of 3 years and I've come to know him as if he were my husband. There are times when I am feeling down and he somehow manages to cheer me up in an instant. When I am horny, he also manages to make sure that he walks with that extra little sexy swagger. Oh wait a minute, that's just in my crazy little mind. Regardless, Claudio is the Robin to my Batman and I will always cherish his presence in my insane, erratic life.

CHRISTINA

Christina became a teacher at my school just over a year ago and within this short span of time, we've managed to become instant Fag/Hag associates with the fierce abandon of two raging drag queens. Not only does she listen when I speak, but she makes sure that she provides me with ample cleavage, as it is a prerequisite in the Fag/Hag relationship. Christina's boobies sway with the precision of two pendulums swaying in a grandfather clock. For what it's worth, I shall find that perfect moment and opportunity where I can rest my ever-so-tired head between her pillows of love. If Wilson is reading this, I remind you that I'm gay.

TANIA

I chose not to post actual pictures of my coworkers to maintain some kind of privacy on their behalf but in speaking of Tania, I had to post this particular pic of her. Almost doubling as a work of art, this photo not only captures the true beauty of a young woman, but it also captures her very own version of the Mona Lisa. Her facial expression conveys various emotions, but I see a young woman who's searching for excitement, passion, intrigue and suspense. I see a woman who is ready to rape the world with her beauty and unbridled youth. I see my Tania love...

CATHY

Cathy is the Rocky Balboa of the Guild. Her tough Italian exterior exudes effortlessly and it seems to work well with the occasional unruly parent who is set out to cause misery and torture with the Guild staff. Cathy has the ability to transform an aggressive, completely irrational parent into a puppy with a small penis. With the twist of a word and the stare of a rabid deer, I have observed some of the most gritty parents break down in complete fear in her presence. The woman is a verbal boxer. I'm ready for round three...

INES

Ines is the Bonnie to my Clyde. Ines, the Puerto Rican version of Cathy, is an old-school, Brooklyn-raised woman who has the prowess and command to convince you to tar and feather yourself. Ines and I have spent numerous hours on the phone having complete laugh-sessions and as a result, have buckled in dear pain to the point that I have dropped my damn Blackberry. Working with Ines is like riding a roller-coaster, as you never know which way things might turn. This ride has been the primary reason why I have a secure bond with Ines and that bond will remain unbreakable.

MIKE

When I was 6 years of age, my dad decided to up and leave his family to partake in a 3o year tryst with drugs. Because of this, I grew up to be an individual who wields a thicker skin, thus molding me into the man I am today. Mike has easily and officially taken over as the father-figure in my life and I'm grateful that he is as equally insane as I am. Our time spent in the lobby of our school serves as our comedy lair as we engage in some of the most berserk yet well-crafted comedic performances to date. From our clever use of word-play, to our sinister giggles when unsuspecting victims (Guild staff) pass us by, there is never any room for boredom. The simple fact that he has a full head of hair at the age of 135 and I'm balding at the age of 35 is an indication that I need to choose better friends. I kid.

CRAZY IN LOVE...

2010-04-24T11:32:00.018-04:00

Love is a strange feeling that can be one of the most amazing in the world. Sometimes the emotions associated with love are blissful, and there are times where they could pierce you like a Katana to the heart. My friend and luscious hag Tiffany constantly reminds me of how freeing and yes, blissful, love can be. She constantly inspires me to seek for this enigmatic, ferociously tender thing called love...

I'm sure Courtney knows a little thing or two about Love...

I'm not going to preach about how gay love is far more compatible than heterosexual love.

With love comes everything underneath its umbrella. Underneath this umbrella lies a sticky, sweaty, sometimes clumsy... yet passionate, chafe-inducing bunny-sex regimen.

I've only felt it once and I am truly grateful and humbly content that I have not experienced it since. Oh how I fear you... Mr. Broken Heart.

Could I ever love someone to the capacity of marking up my body and soul with their likeness? If so, may this special person be the one who is holding my hand while I have the tattoo surgically removed because I finally realized that I was a bleeding heart, emo wack-job.

Love is not lying helplessly on the pelvis of a dead man. Love is unzipping his goth pants and slurping him down while erotically staring into his amber eyes. Women, take note.

There's no love like Crazy Love. Crazy Love allows you to love to the fullest, whether you rob banks together or ritually have sex at your local public library. Always live hard and love hard.

After all is said and done, I'd like to think that LoVe is something that should be reached for. If you can extend your hand far enough to grab a pinch of what true love is, than you've lived. I on the other hand am patiently waiting for someone to reach out and grab a pinch of my heart. I'm too fucking busy to start reaching and searching. There's not enough time in the day...

CARE TO KNOW A LITTLE MORE ABOUT ME?

2010-04-10T20:24:00.065-04:00

Ever wanted to get to know me a little better? Already know me but care to know a little more? Well, I've recently decided to open up to those who give a damn and divulge some of the little things that make me tick and function in everyday life. My likes, my dislikes and even two of my fears will be discussed below and I hope you can come out of this blog feeling all warm and fuzzy (and a little horny) inside. Here goes...

MY AGE

By any means, I'm not a geriatric walking into the sunset for his final time, but I must admit that I'm no longer the spring chicken I once was. The other night I rolled over in my bed and triggered the most excruciating cramp in my leg which led me to fall off my bed. Needless to say the deathly, awkward drop did not help.

THE SIZE OF MY BED

My studio only allows for so much furniture to begin with so I make it my business to accent my apartment with the bare essentials. As a big guy (tall, not fat you bitches) it is imperative that I have enough space to allow for an accident-free household. I have a full-size bed. I would fuck up my delicate shins and do the dance of death until I collapse if it were otherwise.

CHORE I HATE WITH A PASSION

My studio is in an eight-family apartment building and the garbage pails are accessed through a basement walkway that resembles a creepy, drippy, stalactite cavern. Every time it is time to take out my garbage I wince in fear and disgust with the thought of walking through this cavernous wasteland.

ESSENTIAL START TO MY DAY

Because it first starts with infatuation, coffee reels you in like a crackhead to his crillz. As you get to know it more and more, you begin to love the drink, the smell, the taste, the way it is made, the way it looks, where to drink it, how it all started and what it would feel like if I dipped my penis into it. Oh, have I said too much?

MY FAVORITE COLOR

Don't ask me why I love the color green. All I understand is that my eyes lock onto this vivid color, sending a message of euphoria to my brain, leading to my intense gravitation towards the color.

FAVORITE JEWELRY TO WEAR

Let me make this clear. I'm far from your average Guido or gangster rapper who finds it necessary to flaunt their bling in place of their small penis. I on the other hand find that a nice watch is the perfect compliment to the perfect gentlemen (or hot Latin hunk). Pictured above is the watch I have my eye on. Feel free to purchase this Ed Hardy masterpiece for me out of the kindness of your heart.

KIDS

I truly love children. I really do. I even sometimes imagine what it would be like to have a child of my own one day. After the mushroom wears off, I suddenly remember that I'd rather die.

MY LIVING ARRANGEMENTS

As mentioned above, I live in a studio apartment in Brooklyn New York. As a single man, it is truly unnecessary for me to have a large apartment as I am somewhat of a minimalist. Plus, it serves as a reminder that I do not want children.

MY MOTHER'S NAME

My mother's name is Evelyn. My mother is my life. I love her with all of my heart and have learned to love her in a wiser capacity. My mom might as well have been a ninja because she single-handedly raised four children and managed to raise intelligent, compassionate children in the process. I love you momma.

MY NICK-NAME

Yes, my nick-name was Pito when I was a child. My mother used to constantly call me "papito" which is an endearing Spanish term for "my cute son." My mother then one day decided to shorten it up to Pito.
(I could imagine saying the full papito can get exhausting after a while...)

HAVE I EVER HAD AN OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAY?

I can only imagine that my tonsils must have been the size of brass balls for my mom to allow surgery on her son. I do remember the luscious ice cream that the crazy nurses gave me every half hour after they ripped my swollen organs from my throat. I say crazy because one of these dumb bitches gave me a drink with a straw knowing damn well that I was unable to suck. Needless to say she received a wickedly venomous tongue-lashing from momma.

PET PEEVE

I can't even look at Glen (devil) Beck. I detest him.

MY FAVORITE QUOTE

There is so much truth in this quote.

AM I A RIGHTY OR A LEFTY?

I'm a righty. It's the only time where I run with the sheep.

SIBLINGS

I have three sisters. Their names are Maio, Natalie and Evelyn. They are all bat-shit crazy. Just kidding.

TIME TO MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS

In case you give two flying fucks, I wake up at 6:30 in the morning everyday during the week. My job is 7 minutes away from where I live. Don't hate, congratulate.

MY FAVORITE UNDERWEAR

I will always be a loyal and faithful fan of Calvin Klein's underwear as I have been wearing them for most of my adult life. Something about the simplicity (and intelligent marketing techniques as seen above) keeps me contained in a snug pair of Calvins.

VEGETABLE I DISLIKE

Iceberg lettuce is useless and I simply do not enjoy eating it. Most of the time, when I am served iceberg lettuce as a side or in a random salad, they serve me nothing but white vegetative chunks of condensed water with no flavor.

REASON BEHIND RUNNING LATE

Actually, I take great pride in my excellent punctuality. If I were late however, I guess I would chalk it up to my trying to perfect my hair. I've always been a stickler with my mane and I will not leave the house until every hair is in place.

A YUMMY DISH I'VE GOTTEN COMPLIMENTS ON

If you're looking for that one dish that will have you savoring for seconds and thirds, then allow me to make my specialty: Rice, beans and pork chops. Sure, your arteries will suddenly clog and you'll suffer a thrombosis, but you'll die with a pasted smile on your face.

MY FAVORITE ANIMAL AT THE ZOO

I love monkeys. They're like retarded versions of us.

A LIVING PERSON I ADMIRE

His bank account is beyond numbers and he is a fucking genius. Bill Gates puts his money where his mouth is and serves as one of the most giving, appreciative philanthropists of our time.

MY FASHION INSPIRATION

Yes please...

Yes please...

LIVING PERSON I ADMIRE

Augusten Burroughs is someone whom I respect wholeheartedly. As an aspiring writer, Augusten has helped me refine and sharpen my writing skills with the flair and creativity I never knew I had marinating in me.

MY GREATEST FEAR

Accidentally being swallowed by a whale shark. Just thinking about it makes me want to pass the fuck out.

TALENT I WISH I HAD

The piano is probably the most beautiful instrument known to man. The chords and the keys scream romanticism and emotion and serves as a vessel to create music which can touch you in places you never knew existed. I covet those who can flutter across the ivory keys with ease and wild abandon.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY HAGGY...

2010-03-06T19:09:00.016-05:00

My Haggy Denise just recently had a birthday and I hadn’t had the opportunity to dedicate a fabulous birthday blog to her. You see, Denise is a leap year baby and as everyone knows, she can only truly celebrate her birthday once ever four years. Born into a world with an eclectic few, she was carved and prepared by Mother Nature to become the ultimate of all hags and rein Queen of the Hagrem. I got over the guilt of not being able to blog about her special day quite quickly because I knew that as long as I produced and posted one before the end of the year, she can’t fully complain. Nevertheless, I dedicate this splendiferous birthday wish to my one and only haggy… Denise.

Denise and I clashed horns on the first day we met when we were playing with a ball and taking turns hitting it over the fence. I bounced the ball into the front property of her house and I kindly asked her if she could throw it back. With the ferocity of a rabid hound, Denise replied NO!! (insert growl here). She continued to batter me by stating she didn’t have to throw anything to me and proceeded to ask me (in a sarcastic tone) why she should throw it back. That was the beginning of a long-lasting, sadomasochistic, passive-aggressive bond that we continue to hold today.

Denise's father had recently passed away and during this tragic time, I witnessed a softer, vulnerable side of a woman whose skin is usually thicker than anyone I know. This vulnerability reminded me that despite a person's outer strength, a personal loss can remind you of how valuable your family and friends truly are. I hold my friendship with Denise in the highest esteem and cherish every moment we spend honking like mules because the chipped paint on my bathroom radiator resembles a tiny old man. Yes, we're insane...

When Denise comes to my studio, mayhem and madness ensue. She gravitates towards physically abusing me and religiously leaves her mark with 7-inch scratches that refuse to heal as if I was scratched by a venomous werewolf. The day after her swift attacks, I go to work with a short-sleeved shirt and my coworkers inquire about my savage scratches. When I nonchalantly reply that the scratches are a result of my Haggy's visit over the weekend, they collectively pause and give me a look of pity and concern. I simply chalk it up to their being jealous.

~Happy Birthday Denise~

THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF BEAUTY...

2010-02-09T20:46:00.008-05:00

I’m never one to brag or boast (ahem), but I have the sudden urge to talk about the trials and tribulations of being ATTRACTIVE. Some say it’s a gift, while some say it’s a curse of twisted proportions. The latter statement suggests the list of obsessive psychos who swarm around me like flies to a warm pile of shit. I am quite frankly exhausted with the obsessive stalking that comes packaged with being majestically handsome…

Although I surely enjoy the company of various individuals, I really do feel a tickle in the core of my stomach whenever I’m in the presence of other folk whom are as narcissistic as I. Mingling and fondling the pretty have always been a mental and sexual prerequisite of mine so it’s no surprise that I am always spotted with a plethora of drop-dead gorgeous hags and fine heterosexual men who secretly and coyly flirt with me.

Now, I do have a healthy grip on my ego and I’d like to think that I don’t wave my blessings in the face of a boar, but I do prefer telling the truth – the truth being I am eons away from resembling Quasimodo. With this in mind, individuals who become familiar with the reality that I’m a hoot to be around, coupled with my irresistible Latin stare (insert googly-eyes here) and come-fuck-me swagger, tend to get caught up in a schizoid embolism of “he’s mine and I must have him near me at all times.” While I’m oddly flattered by it all, it can simply become annoying and quite disturbing...

Cell phones ringing at all hours of the night and psychotic texts that chime in one after another occasionally have me questioning my sanity. Despite all this, I have a bevy of close friends who can completely sympathize with the dark side of being omnipotent. One such friend is my lusciously delicious hag Irene. This woman has had a lifetime of stalkers and copes with it with the dynamic efficiency of a seasoned Madam. One cannot blame her as she is the definition of what a Greek Goddess should look like.

Irene’s breasts are as supple as a melon(s) and I find it rather daunting that I fantasize resting my weary head in between her boobs of wonder (hence the pic above). It’s always extremely amusing how Irene and I tirelessly share stories of stalking incidents and marriage proposals. Irene is in fact the INSPIRATION behind this blog and the sole inspiration behind my acquiring a thicker skin that is impervious to peeping toms and misguided individuals who think they actually have a chance with us.

YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF SPOILED BRATS...

2010-01-17T21:22:00.021-05:00

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how difficult things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning… uphill… barefoot… BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda...

Check this out you fucking freaks...

I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it! But now that I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia. And I hate to say it, but you kids today have no clue how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to trek to the damn library and look it up ourselves... in the card catalog no less!! There was no email!! We had to actually write someone a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and place it in the mailbox, where it would take a week (and what felt like a month) to get there!

Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3′ s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and the tape would come undone... cause that’s how we rolled, dig?

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it! There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your friends. OH MY GOD!!! Imagine the horror...
Then there’s TEXTING. You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

We didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances...

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids.’ Your main character was a little square (yes, I said square) and you actually had to use your imagination!! There were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen… forever! You could never win and the game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!! Okay... so we did have remotes, but they only had like 4 damn buttons. There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get to see cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

We also didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

FINALLY SEEING SOME PROGRESS...

2009-12-30T00:10:00.004-05:00

Alex Freyre and Jose Maria di Bello were wed on Monday in Tierra del Fuego, Argentina, but it was no easy task. One month prior, a Buenos Aires court claimed that it would not recognize their marriage.

"As a couple, we dreamed of marrying for a long time," said Freyre.

Although a court decided that a ban on same-sex marriage was illegal, it is up to the local and state governments to decide for themselves. And that is why the pair married on the very Southern tip of Argentina - a very liberal governor welcomed the union.

Argentina's National Institute Against Xenophobia and Racism (INADI) helped find the friendly location where the couple could marry.

"This is the purpose of INADI, to safeguard the rights of citizens who do not fully enjoy these rights," said the institute's president, Claudio Morgado.

Latin America tends to strongly identify with the Catholic Church, yet has been paying more attention to gay rights. Uruguay just legalized same-sex adoption, Mexico City has legalized same-sex marriage and Brazil, Colombia and Ecuador are addressing same-sex civil unions.

"The law should treat each person with equal respect in relation to each person's singularities without the need to understand or regulate them," said Judge Gabriela Seijas in her ruling to lift the ban on gay marriage in Buenos Aires.

It's about time! I can't stop staring at the two Latin hunks above.

LOST IN TRANSLATION VS. AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS...

2009-12-23T19:42:00.010-05:00

Yep, that is the recipe for a Screwdriver alright...

The little bitch finally found something to smile about...

I’m sick of these passive-aggressive Quit Campaigns…

Retirement has never looked so delicious...

Technically challenged...

Even in gray, this gentleman refuses to blend into the background...

Don't say it, don't spray it...

Ahh... remember the times when a little cocaine was just plain hilarious...

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY LUSCIOUS...

2009-12-10T20:10:00.006-05:00

Turning 21 is something to celebrate indeed. Today my Luscious Tiffany reached this monumental age and I have to say, not only did she look exquisitely ravishing today, but she also seemed to have risen a couple of notches in maturity and demeanor. Turning 21 is a time to reflect on the transition from mere underage frivolity to full-fledged adult. I've compiled 21 suggestions that I want to pass on to my Tiff Tiff in light of her reaching this marvelous age and I wish her the best birthday imaginable...

1. Learn to forgive. Hurtful things are going to happen to you. Learn to let it go. Carrying a grudge is like trying to climb Mount Everest with a boulder in your backpack. It weighs you down and holds you back.

2. Say "I love you" and say "I'm sorry." These really are the magic words. Learn when to say them, say them often, and mean it when you say them.

3. Open your eyes every morning like you are opening them for the first time. Look closely at the world around you and find your place in it.

4. Never stop learning. Whenever you can, turn off the television and pick up a book. Take a class. Learn another language. Try something new. Travel. Explore the world around you. Exercise your mind.

5. Use what you've learned. You came into this world as helpless as any creature could be. But, by now, you should have most of the tools you'll need to survive and thrive. Make good use of them.

6. Lose your ego. You won't miss it.

7. Ask questions and question the answers. Search for the answers and when you think you've found them, look again.

8. Just listen. Listen to music, to the birds and to the voices of people all around you. Listen to what they say and to what they aren't saying. Listen to the little voice inside you.

9. Never lose your self respect. It's the one thing you can take with you.

10. Hold a baby. Even if you never have one of your own, hold a baby in your arms now and then. Cradle them. Breathe the scent of a newborn. Think about the people who held you...

11. Practice gratitude. Look around you and count your blessings... and count them again.

12. Mind your manners. Make the world a kinder, gentler, place. And for heaven's sake chew with your mouth closed.

13. Learn the value of hard work. You don't have to be rich or famous or powerful. You don't have to play sports or be a movie star. Just do what you love and do it well.

14. Make friends but choose them carefully. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. Avoid those who want to drag you down.

15. Take a leap of faith. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

16. Give until it hurts. Spend time with those you love. Give a little back to those who need it more than you do.

17. Learn the difference between fashion and style. Fashion is what looks good at the moment. Style is what fits you forever.

18. Try something new. Don't be afraid of change. Break out of a rut. When you get too comfortable, stretch a little to see what happens.

19. Hold onto tradition. Hold onto your history by keeping at least one tradition alive. Cook your family's Vietnamese recipes. Your culture is your essence -- embrace it.

20. Reach out to touch someone. Hold a hand. Give a kiss. Hug someone who needs it.

21. Never forget. Remember that you are loved with a love that knows no bounds. Count on that.

SLOWLY BUT SURELY WE'RE GETTING THERE...

2009-11-27T19:04:00.007-05:00

In January, when President Barack Obama took the oath of office, our financial system was on the verge of collapse, and the GDP rate was negative 6.3%. Presently, our financial system is relatively stable and the GDP rate is positive 2.8%.

Sure, more needs to be done and perhaps some things could have been done better. But let's not forget the accomplishments:

~Stem cell order reversed~
~SCHIP passed and signed into law~
~Ledbetter bill passed and signed into law~
~Hate crime legislation covering gays signed into law~
~Major Green energy initiatives started~
~EPA rules revised to address Climate Change~
~Executive order signed to protect large areas from drilling~
~Car emission standards revised~

~National Science Foundation funding boosted~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Stimulus bill passed... and is already helping to revive the economy~
~Financial system reform plan implemented~
~Regulations on the way~
~Gitmo closing ordered~
~Torture banned~
~Iraq troop withdrawal ordered~
~Afghanistan approach under review~
~Direct negotiations with Iran started~
~Negotiations with Syria in progress~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Disarmament talks with Russia re-started~
~Travel restrictions for Cuba lifted~
~Energy/Climate Change legislation passed the House; soon to be passed by Senate~
~Student loan market overhaul approved by U.S. House~
~Health Care legislation underway~

~~~~~

And I'm sure that I missed many more...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the naysayers... the proof is in the pudding.

AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS...

2009-11-17T21:49:00.026-05:00

Well, what else is she supposed to lean on?

Welcome to the Carnival...

Susan would have had no idea of the tension in the room if it weren't for the burning sensation on either side of her head...

Why do the people of Oklahoma always luck out?

The Pacifist...

This is what happens when your baby-sitter is a 14-year-old crack head...

On second thought... how about a jigsaw puzzle?

Grandpa can't see a GOD DAMNED thing...

Looks like SOMEBODY crashed this mustache party...

Drinking a glass a day will NOT help you do this...

Answering the age old question... can one get too tan?

A pony isn't looking so crazy anymore... isn't it mom..?

Among portrait photographers, this is referred to as the EXORCIST...

THE UNBEARABLE LIKENESS THAT IS LOVE...

2009-11-15T14:40:00.014-05:00

Going back hundreds of years, people have searched for the meaning of LOVE. But even the great Philosophers, with their profound definitions, could never fully touch its true essence. To the best of my knowledge, love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a strong sense of affection and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure ("I love this sandwich") to intense interpersonal attraction ("I love my significant other"). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define...

Writing about my thoughts on love has been on my mind ever since I created this blog. I never really shared my take on love and the wonderment of all its intricacies as I have always been profoundly horrified of truly giving my all to someone. Seeking for some guidance and enlightenment on this matter of the heart, I approached the ones who can convey their thoughts with the least amount of bullshit and baggage... CHILDREN. What do little kids know about love you ask? You'd be surprised that despite their young, innocent minds, kids already have a simple yet deep grasp of what this enigmatic 4-letter-word means to them:

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs..."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay..."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss but they look happy and sometimes they dance in the kitchen while kissing..."

"Love is when you hold hands and sit next to each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay..."

"If you want somebody to love you, then just be yourself. Some people try to act like somebody else, somebody the boy likes better. I think the boy isn't being very good if he does this to you and you should just find another boy..."

And my favorite thus far...

"You have to fall in love to get married. Then when you're married, you just sit around and read books together..."

What is love if not costly? Real love demands sacrifice that can't be found in self-centeredness. You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. Sacrificial love requires that we give what we value most: our hearts, minds, souls and strength. Real love does not always follow our natural inclinations. Some say it's mysterious, magical, complex, difficult, imaginary, thought-provoking, inspirational, intuitional, joyous, immeasurable, ecstasy or simply undefinable.

Despite having my reasonable issues and difficulties with fully understanding love, I do know that love is a universal experience. Yet, every individual occurrence - while perhaps bound by a common thread - seems absolutely unique. To everyone, it expresses itself differently. To describe love is very difficult, for the same reason that words cannot fully describe the flavor of an orange. You have to taste the fruit to know its flavor...

I believe that love can only go as far as the capacity of one's mind. Love is loving someone without expecting anything in return; no judgments, no restrictions, no limitations and no expectations. I don't think I will ever fully understand the scope of it all but I do wish that someday I will learn to allow it into my life...

TWILIGHT OBSSESSED...

2009-10-22T16:35:00.015-04:00

My appetence for Twilight brings out the romance and enchantment in me in ways I've never known. I sometimes surprise myself with what's hidden deep within...

I hope I am fortunate enough to experience such a concupiscent, captivating love for someone. Only time will tell... for I am ready.

Love is pure and beautiful... such like music. Playing with your soul like the keys on a piano... I hear the music. I am just patiently awaiting the pianist of my heart...

"Before you my life was a moonless night. Very dark but there were still stars, points of light and reason, and then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire, there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore, and there was no more reason for anything..."
.
.
.

PEACHES: SERPENTINE (I LuRve ThIs SoNg)

2009-10-11T20:13:00.000-04:00

MY TOP TEN FEARS IN LIFE...

2009-10-02T20:35:00.013-04:00

1. I have a horrible fear of getting my fingers either forcefully slammed or pinched by a door, window or any apparatus that might do major digit damage.

2. I cringe at the thought of being struck by a vehicle. I was once hit by a car 23 years ago while I was working as a delivery boy for a pizzeria. Although the car was only going about 25 miles per hour, I felt like I was struck by a train.

3. Because of my recent cringe-worthy incident with the varmint that is the COCKROACH, I have now acquired a mild TICK whenever anybody speaks of a roach.

4. I have a terrible fear of getting kicked in the nuts. I was "accidentally" kicked in my bits and pieces years ago and until this day, my voice has been at a steady SOPRANO.

5. Nuclear war has always been another fear of mine because the simple thought of radiation and its cute, blistering effects drives me into paranoid madness. I don't want to die. I am too exquisitely handsome to blister and burn.

6. I have a deeply-driven fear of children. I don't mean being around them, for I have a career working among them. I'm referring to being a parent to one of THEM. Makes me want to shiver.

7. I have a deep, incurable fear of unkempt feet. If I find myself attracted to a particular person but they have a pair of aberrant, atrocious hooves, all of the upper eye candy that previously caught my attention seems to vanish right before my tortured eyes.

8. I have a fear of developing a lethal blockage... in my PENIS.

9. I have a fear of going completely and utterly BALD.

10. And last but definitely not least... I FEAR CHINESE FOLK.
(I kid of course... or not)

GOD OF WAR 3... WATCH UNTIL THE END!!

2009-09-28T15:09:00.001-04:00

FUCKING AMAZING!!

INTRODUCING: LA COACHA... I LOVE THIS BISH

2009-09-28T13:20:00.000-04:00

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

2009-09-17T21:24:00.018-04:00

Thus, climbing is allowed...

Specially made for those Dipsey-Doodle-type nails...

Seizure Susan Doll...

Right next to Triscuit falls...

Equal opportunity for your local Tranny...

No need to knock bitch...

I traded my inhibitions for prohibitions...

I'm SCARED...

I've always wondered where the GRINCH lived...

Come on human... you know you want to...

BJ not guaranteed upon check in...

And it comes out as BROWN RICE...

RANDOM THOUGHTS...

2009-09-13T17:24:00.008-04:00

I wish MapQuest had an "avoid ghetto" routing option.

More often then not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever walked down the street and realized that you're going in the opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just doing a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to make sure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by switching directions on the sidewalk.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you were playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out and blow on it and somehow that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that without the help of a message board or F.A.Q's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for a SARCASM font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no fucking idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I think that everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone is laughing at the right parts, then making sure that I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Whenever someone says, "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

How many times is it appropriate to say "what?" before you just nod your head and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dickhead from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers!

While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it. Thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions at #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my God-damned neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you HOW the person died.

I find it hard to believe that there are actual people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever invention comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you're going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of WORD and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I didn't make any changes to.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. "I love this show but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?"

I hate when I just missed a call by the last ring (hello? hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and it goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Were you so offended that I didn't pick up that you are now playing coy?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my music folder, except when it's on shuffle. Then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my folder.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians. As a pedestrian I hate drivers. No matter what my mode of transportation... I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even if I knew your Social Security number, I wouldn't know what to do with it.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind does the speed limit.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

THE NIGHT THE COCKROACH ATTACKED...

2009-09-09T16:47:00.018-04:00

Denise, I now know what you mean. I returned home last night after a hard days work and fell prey to one of the most insidious, calculating flying beasts imaginable. Ladies and gentlemen, I fell victim to the North American Cockroach. Never in my life have I felt such horror with the thought of having such a huge insect flapping about as if it paid the fucking rent and financially supported me:

It was an ordinary evening. I dropped my computer bag onto my couch and like I do every time I return home, I flipped on the light switch. As I carried on with my usual routine of getting on all fours and doing 3 sets of 20 push-ups (what did you think I was going to say?), I heard a light but certain SMACK near my window as if a bird suddenly lost its sight and crashed against the wall. I looked up to see what that odd noise was... and there before my horrified eyes was the single-most largest Cockroach I've ever seen. The noise I heard was the noise a 4-inch cockroach makes when it flies from one end of a room to the opposite wall and lands.

In my younger years I had a psychotic addiction to nature shows and had a particular interest in the shows that specialized in insects. I'm no stranger to watching a multivariate of insects dance about from the safety of my television screen. I've seen the worlds most exotically grotesque and vomit-inducing roaches with trepidation and intrigue, but I never covered my eyes and ran for the hills in fear. I'm a veteran when it comes to learning the science behind what makes these fascinatingly cringe-worthy insects tick, let alone the ins and outs of their breeding process to boot. In this instance though, no nature show and all the educational value I have accumulated throughout the years could have prepared me for the ambush that was about to unfold.

After I made full eye-to-eye contact with the brownish-amber, nuclear war-immune vermin of shiny death, I went into commando mode. First I took a deep breath (with caution as I didn't want to up my chances of it flying into my mouth) and began to seek the appropriate weapon that would allow me to kill it in a safe and comfortable distance... coupled with the least amount of SPLAT. A roll of Bounty was at the top of my list as it gave me proper leverage and would fully absorb the inevitable squirting that will unleash when I lay out my can of ass-whoopin'. I zeroed in on the small bat and thought of the many possible directions it might soar towards and prepared myself for the worst. Its antennae swirling in opposite circles as if it were scanning the area, and its rear-end wiggling as if it were going to give birth to a pod filled with baby demons, I found the perfect opportunity and struck it with the strength of a Greek God.

Instinctively, I jumped back and followed the roach as it dropped to the ground and onto its back. It just stood there... no movement whatsoever as if it passed on and gone to roach heaven. But with the power of 3 voodoo priestesses, it flipped over, faced my direction and flew towards me with all its might and swift velocity. I swung the roll of Bounty in my defense like a teen cheerleader swinging her baton. I managed to whack it mid-flight and it landed on the ground with a savory thump and just stood there again, staring at me. As a chimpanzee and a rat might learn from their mistakes at your local lab, I too learned that if I didn't do something really quick it would head straight for my nostrils with the sole intention of tearing up my brain. I approached the roach and it immediately took an about-face and tried to escape toward the kitchen... but I slammed it with my trusty Bounty roll until it became part of my linoleum. Because I didn't take my assumption of its death for granted, I waited to see if there was a glimmer of movement, or maybe even the chance of a little red eye lighting up as if it were the Terminator. This time though, it was truly dead.

Because of this terribly traumatizing incident, I've made peace with cowardice as I now fully respect my sister Maio and my hag Denise for reacting the way they do when they come upon a roach or an insect of microscopic proportions in which my naked eye simply cannot see. No matter what the size of the insect, I have a new-found respect for their domain (even though it was my fucking house) and their right to life (far away from me please). Suffice it to say, I will never be the same.

Editor's note: My house is spotless and this has been the only time I have come across a roach. It gets very humid in New York City during the summer and they can make their appearance in the cleanest of abodes. God help me.

RULES FOR HAPPY LIVING...

2009-09-05T14:42:00.004-04:00

A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR HAPPY LIVING:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat
by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure
on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit
the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
You'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.

Eddie’s Last Thought: People are like Slinkies...not really
good for much but they bring a smile to your face when
you push them down the stairs.

FACEBOOK AND RELATIONSHIPS...

2009-08-30T13:30:00.001-04:00

AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS...

2009-08-20T19:25:00.019-04:00

SUPERSTAR (some people are just meant to shine)

Why shout it from the rooftops when you can shout it directly in their face...

Well, at least he was wearing a seat belt...

There is no aphrodisiac quite like denim...

Somebody didn't earn his cow...

The real shocker was what mom and dad did when they arrived at the honeymoon trailer...

The Smith family went home that night perplexed as to why the elephant decided to hug its sister in the middle of a safari ride... how adorable are they?

He considered the earrings, but he thought it would look too matchy-matchy...

Clearly displaying a complete lack of focus, it's no wonder mom and dad haven't noticed that they've given birth to two Latinas...

Imagine growing up and never even knowing what a crumb looks like...

Everybody needs a groupie...

WHY I LOVE MARGARET CHO...

2009-08-09T17:12:00.001-04:00

AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS...

2009-08-02T20:02:00.017-04:00

Sometimes you just need a little push... thanks dad.

THE PINCHER...

No matter what you do, you will always be in trouble with these two...

Someone seems to be throwing a little tantrum...

Looks like dad packed plenty of SPF O...

Little Timmy manages to jump at the opportunity to COP A FEEL...

A holiday pic that quite frankly, scares the BEJESUS out of me...

Mindy's sexy yet patriotic bikini should not be a distraction to what's really going on...

Busy dancing like a rock star, Debbie just couldn't boogie her way to the bathroom in time...

And this my dear children is what you call "TESTING THE GOODS"

NOW THIS IS HOW YOU SING BITCHES...

2009-07-24T19:23:00.003-04:00

THE MOST AMAZING ROBOT I'VE EVER SEEN...

2009-07-23T20:03:00.001-04:00

BIOS OF MY PEEPS AT THE GUILD...

2009-07-19T20:53:00.018-04:00

I’ve wanted to create somewhat of a bio on my closest friends at my job (The Guild for Exceptional Children) and have finally compiled a list of coworkers whom are worth blogging about. I’ve been apprehensive about doing this in the past because I didn’t want to be accused of favoritism or bias towards anyone. Needless to say I decided on posting it regardless of the backlash I may receive when I get my ass back to work. I leave you with an additional note informing those mentioned that I chose names in random and posted them in that order. 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd or 4^th, it doesn’t matter... the order in which I mention my peeps is completely at random. Here goes:

BELLA

Have you ever been obsessed with someone to the point of pure exhaustion? Have you ever found yourself dreaming of a person and when you wake up, you’re utterly crushed at the realization that they are no longer near you because you’re now awake? Have you ever skipped meals because your stomach has done a complete 180 and ceased to function properly due to your consumed thoughts about a special someone? This is what I’m currently facing and it’s rather baffling to be experiencing it all at once. You’ve got me hypnotized Bella and I’m at your command. Bow down and lick your toes? Yes please…

Tiffany

Young at age but sincere at heart, Tiffany makes me want to regress and take a trip back to my carefree, youthful days. Her bubbly, exuberant personality is the reasoning behind my incessant texting, as I’ve never texted as much prior to this. Many of my coworkers probably aren’t aware of this, but Tiffany is a gamer. By gamer, I mean a trouncing, thumb-pounding gamer for only the elite of the bunch. Pushing the PS3 onto me like a pimp pushing tricks, Tiffany is insisting that I’m missing out if I choose to not purchase this $36,000 machine. I have to pay my rent, so Xbox it is... YO. Regardless of our video game battle, she knows how to make me laugh and constantly reminds me that not everything has to be ripped apart and analyzed for a better understanding. She reminds me to keep it simple. Thank you for that Tiffany love…

Irene

Oh where oh where does this homo begin? Irene is the Platinum Standard of what it means to be a coveted FAGHAG. Although Denise is my numero uno, Irene has poked and prodded her way amongst my fabulously vetted she-servants. Beyond a Type-A personality, Irene is giant in stature and equal in grace as her personality spares no expense in our social circle. When I hear Miss Thang coming down the steps towards my direction (and trust me, you can hear her), I feel a sudden tickle in my funny bone. Sex between her and I have to be prohibited because the world would otherwise implode. I owe my sanity to Irene for without her presence at the Guild, who then would press their breasts ever so gently into my face? I dread the thought…

Darcy

A honky-tonk soul to the core, Darcy is a blond, curly-haired country girl with a mean stomp to her cowgirl boots. At first glance, Darcy looks like an innocent homebody who wears her humbled heart on her sleeve, but in reality, she has the ability to verbally jab you or better yet, simply ignore you, all the while lacing the attack with an innocent smile to leave you utterly confused and exhaustively spent. A wonderful teacher and insatiable spark-plug, Darcy remains an enigma wrapped in a riddle…

Natasha

My Nubian Queen and irreverent lobby eye-candy, Natasha is not your ordinary teacher. Resembling the look of a younger Mary J. Blige coupled with the walk of Naomi Campbell; this school teacher is the definition of class and is an astute professional from head to toe. Mike, our custodian at the Guild, could be mistaken for a clansman yet he himself is enraptured by her regal persona…

Josh

This budding actor manages to hold down a full time position as a teacher while also managing to stay focused as a father and husband. During his off hours, you can find him in front of the camera doing bit parts in your latest films. Josh certainly lives life to its fullest and shares the same sarcastic, sadistic humor as me. Josh is currently filming a Martin Scorcese period film taking place in the 1920's. I wonder where all his hard work will take him in the world of film. I wish him the best in what he does as I look up to him as if he were my older brother…

TEN HONEST THINGS ABOUT ME...

2009-07-11T19:12:00.030-04:00

When I was tagged by the angelic Allison over at La Dolce Vita to name 10 honest things about myself, my heart began to race. First, to be tagged by Allison, your are expected to tap into untouched territory and ooze pure honesty. Second, I have nothing to be ashamed of because I love myself inside and out. I will try to speak from the heart (and a little from my groin) so here goes:

1. As much as I've tried to make sense of my newly discovered heterosexual side, I still remain in an utter fog as to what exactly it is I'm experiencing. It used to be that one minute I was picturing a sweaty Latino hunk bending over to pick up a coin and then the next second, a thunderous flash of pretty vagina consumed my thoughts. Lately though, I've been stuck on just one side of the fence. I'm poking and prodding into new territory (no pun intended).

2. The last time I "smoked the Devil's lettuce" I had all intents and purposes on cleaning my bathroom but instead ended up dancing in front of the bathroom mirror whilst placing an immediate order to Domino's for a delivery.

3. No matter how gorgeous a person's appearance, I manage to always take a glance at their hands. I'm captivated and enthralled by a nice pair of clappers. You could have a face that can sell magazines, but if your hands are hurtin', you can wave bye-bye Gargoyle Hands... (those with askew, irregular hands can skip the waving and simply walk away).

4. I sometimes fantasize about writing a skit with the SNL cast here in NYC so as to have the opportunity to brainstorm with some of the craziest minds around. Marinating in untapped possibilities, I know I can concoct multiple 4-minute skits with genius ease and secure my work with some of the best. I only hope that if I do find myself writing amongst the elite, I won't creep them the fuck out with my laceration-inducing sharp wit. America is not ready for this...

5. I cannot stop thinking about someone whom shall remain nameless. This person is consuming my thoughts and is a pleasant, sadistic splinter in my mind. You know who you are my Bella, and I can't wait to be in your presence again. You are the blood flowing through my veins...

6. Never did I imagine that I would submit to the masses and become entranced by my cell phone. It's scary how much I depend on it. The other day a phone rang on television... low and behold, I ran for my cell phone like Michael Jackson ran for the sandbox.

7. Lady Gaga has finally won my homo/hetero heart. I no longer feel the irrepressible urge to back-slap the bitch directly in her Poker Face.

8. I bet some of you were offended by the ending of #6... (for those who were offended... I say BEAT IT)

9. When I found myself dancing ferociously in the bathroom as mentioned in #2, I was listening to Mistress Barbara ~ Dance Me To The End of Love.
(listen to it here)

10. I see myself having a son in the next 7 years. I shall call him LITTLE MAVERICK.

THE FISH THAT NEVER WAS AND A POSSUM...

2009-07-10T20:45:00.015-04:00

So glad to be back... let's get started...

For those of you who actually pay an iota of attention, you may have noticed that I never mentioned the whole "fish" thing again ever since I wrote about purchasing one a few blogs back. Well, about two weeks ago I had really thought the whole thing through and realized that no matter how minuscule the pet, I would still have to deal with its inevitable death sooner or later...

I have a gargantuan issue with losing a loved one so I can imagine the same could be said about a pet fish. Go ahead, chuckle... I can hear you dammit. Laugh it up. All I know is that if my fish died, I would curl up into a sad little ball and cry my queer ass to sleep. With this, I hesitate in welcoming a little life into my home as it requires feelings and constant care. Sure, your average folk would say that owning a fish requires a minimal amount of attention, but to me, I would find myself consumed and incessantly worrying if my little NARCISSUS caught the clap...

As I finally close the tragic chapter in my life titled "The Fish That Never Was," I must give honorable mention to my haggy Denise. Her horrible run-in with a sinister, menacing POSSUM the other night was the perfect bookend to her previously horrifying brush with a creature of the same name. Denise made it her business to begin her meticulous plot in eradicating NOSFERATU once and for all as she contacted me several times to see if I can provide any tips on how "code elimination" could actually be accomplished. Poison, painful traps, fire or a wooden bat, Denise is currently ready for any proactive suggestions...

Before I go, I must give a special shout-out to Tiffany and Missy. These women inspired me to get back to my blog and take care of business. They actually look forward to what I've concocted in this convoluted brain of mine and for that alone I sincerely express my gratitude and love.

~Peace and Latin love to all of my readers ~

I'M OFFICIALLY A GAGA FAN NOW... LMAO

2009-07-09T15:27:00.001-04:00

CHRIS DAUGHTRY'S COVER OF "POKER FACE"

2009-07-03T14:06:00.000-04:00

AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS...

2009-06-29T18:25:00.011-04:00

I'll give you a clue... that's not a marriage license they're holding...

There's a man in the tree... seriously...

She'll swallow your soul...

His sisters aren't so convinced...

There's plenty of room on the couch... WTF?

I have doubts...

I would've touched her VAGINA...

Beyond a reasonable point of casualness...

FATHER'S DAY ACTING CLASS SKIT...

2009-06-19T21:19:00.006-04:00

Josh Pesin, a good friend of mine who I've written about in previous posts is a budding actor who scored an acting role in this humorous Father's Day skit that is gaining notoriety on YouTube. Josh plays Darren, a father who is sharpening up his reaction skills when given a pair of socks as his Father's Day gift. Sarcasm at its best. Congratulations Josh... and happy Dad's Day... for you deserve so much more than a pair of socks.

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND...

2009-06-10T20:51:00.004-04:00

A nomination of words that should be considered and placed into our current Webster's Collegiate Dictionary:

(for Josh)

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

I'M ENAMORED WITH IT ALL... (NEW MOON)

2009-06-06T23:05:00.005-04:00

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

2009-06-06T14:29:00.012-04:00

The Society of Manners said it's rude to point Mr. Can...

There's a 13 drink minimum...

When you're stinky from the Leukorrhoea...

Reading this... I suddenly have many GUESTIONS...

She was TASTEY...

Quick... grab a towel...

I'm personally booking the HORROR special...

The last time I ordered the chicken, it was also unruly...

I'd rather have some Devil with my chocolate...

I WANT TO GROW YOUNG...

2009-05-27T16:39:00.000-04:00

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and you get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home and feel better everyday.

You then get kicked out for being too healthy, and enjoy your retirement and
collect your pension.
Then you begin your career and you buy a mansion on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally
promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions -
central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK...

2009-05-23T15:24:00.024-04:00

When a person is born and raised in the city, they're not usually accustomed to the wonders of nature and the creatures who roam the forests and fields of untouched habitat. Naturally, when someone who is raised in a concrete jungle crosses paths with this mysterious animal world, mayhem can ensue.

Missy, a friend whom I mentioned in a previous post, found herself in a hostile, violating situation two weeks ago. She decided to stop and have a bite to eat by a local park to soak up the beautiful day... but had no inclination as to what awaited her as she embraced her mastication with salivary slurps of delight...

With the sound of sinister violins fiercely playing in the background, an ominous rat-like creature approached Missy with the appetite of a ravenous wombat with an intense stare. Startled and repulsed, Missy instinctively clutched her food and screeched in the appropriate manner. Without expressing a single flinch, the demonic, famished creature-of-the-night did not react despite the waving of Missy's arms and her numerous kicking gestures. The squirrel continued to approach her with a satanic agenda. With food in its sight and no intention on backing off until it secured itself a french fry, this squirrel maintained its ground and it INTIMIDATED. What could have ended in a fierce struggle between sharp claws and Gucci shades, ended up commencing in a peaceful parting... the fluffy-tailed wonder became distracted by another unsuspecting hapless victim...

(after Missy threatened it's family and suggested dialing 911 of course...)

With an equal amount of horror and repulsion, my haggy Denise had a similar story regarding crossing paths with an animal. Before I divulge into that madness, I must inform my readers that Denise tends to be horrified of anything that is not human. Insects in particular have managed to alter her being and send her into a wild frenzy filled with anxiety, timidity and terror. Many a times I found myself responding to Denise's gravely screeches only to find a phlegmatic, non-threatening ladybug. This time though... I must admit, my hag's ear-piercing reaction was warranted:

With her fear of non-urban animals in mind, Denise was driving in her car when suddenly the car ahead of her hit the brakes and skid to a sudden halt. As she gained her composure, she noticed a moving object crossing in front of the vehicle ahead of her and asked her boyfriend what just happened. Before Rodney could answer, my hag noticed what looked like an unusually large rat with a long, thick tail scurrying slowly and arrogantly, as if it could care less that it almost caused an accident. With a foreboding fright, Denise locked eyes with what she later learned was a POSSUM. She asked her boyfriend what it was (again) and kept asking why it was in Brooklyn. Her agitation and despair soon transitioned into the vomit-inducing nausea she later felt. She continued to explain that the creature hopped onto the sidewalk and walked up the front steps of an apartment. It might as well have turned around and gave her the finger...

Why couldn't all animals look like gerbils.
(Insert gay joke here)

A FISH CALLED... UM... I'M NOT SURE...

2009-05-16T21:52:00.009-04:00

I consider the responsibility of raising a child the equivalent to climbing Mt. Everest with a flat-clawed hammer and a wind breaker. The task of raising a human being not only horrifies me, it also sends my X and Y chromosomes into a panic in which my sperm set up shop and refuse to exit my testes. Now, the last thing I want to do is repulse any of my readers. I truly don't mean to sound like an ogre. I just cannot fathom the thought of raising a child without the sudden urge of suicide crossing my mind.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been contemplating the thought of raising something which would be far less taxing on my psyche in general. Something that won't cause my neighbors to call Social Services on me regarding my parenting techniques. Ladies, gentlemen and trannies, I've been thinking about raising a fish. Now I'm sure some of you may be thinking, "I thought the last thing a gay man would want is to be near fish..." but I assure you, I never did mind the thought. Fish are quiet (no annoying crying when they are hungry), they don't require the annoying word some people like to call attention (I have push-ups to do dammit), and most of all... fish don't poop in the form of mud slides (microscopic worm-like poop I can handle). I guess the only comparison a fish might have with a possessed little child is the fact that they require a name. Here is where I'm a bit stumped and am asking for your help. I've come up with an exquisite list of contenders and I have to narrow it down to one. These are the names I'm considering:

1. Scallywag
2. Fishyface
3. Liverlips
4. Narcissus
5. Wanda
6. Harmonica Sunbeam
7. Gill
8. Mascara
9. Edward (as in Twilight)
10. Fishy Pussy

Now... I must mention that last winner was the brainstorm of my haggy Denise. Never one to disappoint with her assistance from hell, I've listed it as possible choice #10. My sister Natalie suggested that I not only get a fish, but that I get it a partner in crime. "The fish will become lonely" she said. I guess she's right. My only fear is that they will become mortal enemies and just simply not get along:

For what it's worth, I'm going to take a dive (pun intended) into the parenting waters with the notion of raising a life in the safety of a tank. Encased in glass, this little creature doesn't have to worry about getting run over by a truck because I somehow forgot to hold its hand. This little creature doesn't have to worry about the times I've forgotten to feed it because I decided to text incessantly with a friend, telling them how proud of a parent I am (fish can eat left-over residue from their pebbled rug). Most of all, this little creature doesn't have to worry about me giving it a swift back-slap when it acts a fool. I can handle the noise of little bubbles. After all, I'm not mean...

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

2009-05-10T21:24:00.015-04:00

Right back at ya sexy face...

Why thank you... thank you very much...

The lesser-known cousin...

Don't be a mobile moron...

Be a Lastaman...

You've been getting chubby around the fingers again...

Pillaging at its finest...

Mickey and his damned messages...

Keep your dog hydrated and he will return the favor...

I remember when I came out to my mom and told her that I was unbalanced...

OLD FRIENDS AND NEW BUTTERFLIES...

2009-04-29T21:29:00.013-04:00

As you may have read, I've recently caved in to the masses and created my own Facebook page. Sure, others may be asking themselves... "What the fuck took you so long you freak?" Let me explain...

I refused to jump onto the bandwagon of Facebook and Twitter as I've always considered both of them a product of people who suffer from A.D.D. Facebook and Twitter have been on my not-to-do list for quite some time now but I never knew that I would walk with the lemmings and dive into one of the two.

Now that I've gotten used to the nuts and bolts of what Facebook has to offer, I realized that my true attraction to it all was the delicious option to search for old friends and acquaintances. On that note, I bring you to the reason why I blog today. Never in a million years did I think that I would cross paths with someone I went to elementary school with... the days of Lee Jeans and Adidas with taps. Her name is Missy and she was the one who tickled my funny bone and sparked a massive crush that I thought I had locked away in silence.

Back in the day, I kept to myself and chose the desk at the back of the class rather than the front. I used to pay attention to Missy's quirky yet tough character and giggle to myself when she spit out a curse word followed by a matching verb. Sure, Missy had her little group of female friends, but I noticed that she shined when she was amongst the boys in the class. Quick to fuck up any dude who might test her durability and stamina, Missy held her own while managing to remain the cutie pie she was... and still is.

Missy and I have spoken on the phone a few times and we've written Facebook mail to one another countless times. Getting to know her as an adult has been a pleasure. Call me crazy, but our conversations have been jocular and scintillating. I actually felt butterflies in my belly during one of our last chats. That NEVER happens to me. It's usually the other way around.

Missy is married and I'm currently a gay man, so nothing can really come into fruition as far as any future possible relationship. Although these "challenges" put a halt on our shacking up, I'm perfectly content with the innocent vulgarity floating around my perplexed mind.

Missy my sweetz... I'm glad I crossed paths with you again.
Besitos...

IS THAT YOUR TAMPON STRING BRITNEY?

2009-04-26T18:32:00.001-04:00

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

2009-04-21T21:25:00.022-04:00

Where am I mailing the detective?

So open the fucking door already!

Someone call Social Services!!

Almost as tasty as the Lebanese Lesbians...

This game give me vely big memory...

Also in Touch Twat...

I no longer have to walk to church for confession...

That way the government can't get a hold of it...

No wonder this parking lot is always empty...

Make sure you wipe up all the blood...

The mud crap tachos are scrumptious...

Now I'm officially depressed...

I get mine permed...

I like to get knocked on the kitchen table...

He is also wanted in 5 states...

Guys, be grateful...

And enjoy it I will... now that I have a TRAY...

BJORK: PAGAN POETRY

2009-04-19T19:25:00.014-04:00

Look closely and you will see that the video shows Bjork having full-on sex with her boyfriend. This footage suits the song's premise as Bjork sings about her inner-most lust for her man, while obscenely comparing semen... to pearls. Complete with nipple-piercing and penetration, Bjork sings with honesty and candor. The little hairs on my neck stand up and I completely see it as a work of art. The song is dark and raw, which only enhances the lyrics... so turn up your volume and pay attention. This is the ultimate love song.

SPEAK, SEE AND HEAR ALL EVIL...

2009-04-18T17:48:00.038-04:00

Last night was one of those nights where I got together with a couple of friends and had the time of my life. Never failing to disappoint me with their madness and tomfoolery, Denise and Theresa completed my Friday night.

My haggies decided to come by last night to visit their favorite Latino hunk and infuse their shenanigans onto me and my humble abode. Denise and Theresa play an integral part in keeping my sanity under a reasonable amount of control and their visits continuously serve as my anti-anxiety medication substitute.

Allow me to paint a picture of what transpired last night:

Denise arrived at my studio around 6:00 p.m. and immediately began to give me the run-down of what her day was like at work. Never one to hold back, my hag started professing the hatred she had for her job and how her office has become a circus. Foaming and fuming, Denise put her crazy face on and continued to explain how her boss is an insensitive cunt and she couldn't understand why he didn't offer her the Yankee tickets he was waving and offering to everyone but her. I immediately pictured her shanking him and catching the tickets as he dropped to the ground.

When Theresa arrived, Denise managed to calm down a bit because it was SHE who was now distracted by Theresa's story of the day. Theresa lives the life of two Hollywood Stars when it comes to juicy gossip and family drama. Just when you think you have something spicy to discuss, Theresa topples your shit by discussing bootleg movies, the police, robberies and insane baby-daddies. Hail to the Queen.

In between our luscious and delectable conversation, I found myself playing a game of UNO with Frick and Frack. Trying to keep track of whose turn it is when you're laughing hysterically and frequently getting poked and kicked, is taxing indeed. I'm not even going to mention the random on-the-floor pose Denise laid upon me last night. A mile from sexy, this pose had me tortured and confused. Also, and this happens around the same time of the night whenever we hang out, Dee and Tee begin to tag-team my ass into oblivion. By tag-teaming, I mean they cue one another with an evil wink or gesture and flick the ON switch to Goblin Mode. Slyly and slithery, they begin to extend a barrage of wacky attacks and distractions so I can loose all train of thought. This is a malicious diversion that leaves me disoriented, which then allows them to batter me with unlimited Draw 4's and Skips. I wouldn't be surprised if they're hiding the blueprint to their satanic plots in my very own closet. Damn them to hell.

I love you... my two twisted HAGGIES.
Maio and Sara love... wish you were there.

I FINALLY CAVED AND GOT ON FACEBOOK...

2009-04-14T12:53:00.006-04:00

One of my friends told me I MUST get on Facebook. Who am I to not follow the directions of a good friend?

So, I did.

What started as a place for college students to connect, has blown up into a monster of "cool connections" for every age. Even old fogies like myself. But here's what I've noticed about Facebook. People write little comments constantly updating you on their every move and thought. Like blogging... but for people with A.D.D.

Susie is: about to take a dump, feeling constipated.
Debbie is: in the mood for a massage...anyone willing?
Sandy is: horrified that the string from my tampon was hanging out of my shorts...

and on and on...

People seem to be even more addicted to this phenomenon than blogging. It's crazy. This whole six degrees of separation is quite extraordinary. It's amazing to see how many people you can find if you just keep going through people's friends. And yet, it's all just a little scary. The amount of detail you learn about people on Facebook sometimes falls into the category of TMI (too much information).

So, what is this phenomenon all about? Are we all so desperate to find people from our past?
Is this the only way we can connect with people? Maybe it's comforting to know we can connect in a moment's notice in this great big world.

If you have any thoughts about this...I'd love to know.

Your Mom is: waiting for Eddie to drop some love on her page... he hasn't written in a while. Where's her Latin Lover?

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

2009-04-08T21:04:00.018-04:00

Yeah, but it's a gas guzzurer...

With just a touch of pepper and assault...

Santa, don't look at me like that...

By the looks of his crotch... he's no threat.

HaHaHalitosis...

Pass the glavy please...

Slowly, walk away from the t-shirt...

And here I was looking for new sweat...

He'll be happy to show you the secret handshake...

I prayed to Chrast for a happy holiday this year...

Don't look...

Did it just ask me to have sex with it?

REST IN ETERNAL PEACE MY TITI...

2009-04-06T14:27:00.010-04:00

I’m at a loss for words. How do I muster up a sentence describing what I feel at the core of my heart? My beautiful Aunt has passed away... but I believe she is looking down at us with great pride and happiness because once again, her family is together.

The Miriam I know and love would not want my family to stray away from what is supposed to be a strong bond held together with love and respect between us all. Life is staggeringly short and we must cherish the moments we have left here on this beautiful earth. Family is everything.

My Godmother and my friend, Aunt Miriam took time out of her life to ask me questions and listen to my answers. She once took me to Newark Airport because she knew I had an obsession with commercial airliners and enjoyed watching planes take off and land. That day was a memorable one. She asked me numerous questions about the planes’ functioning and was lovingly interested in what I had to say. Amazing.

My Aunt Miriam has lived the life of a hurricane, oddly accompanied by a soft breeze. She would hide when she felt somber and kept to herself until it passed. Sullen yet silly, she managed to take tragedy and turn it into quiet comedy. She was a comic in the company of family and lit up the room with love and affection in a household already filled with laughter. Every family suffers hardships, but our family always found time to celebrate amidst the grief and pain. As a child, I witnessed the sisterly bond of love between my mom and my aunts and only now understand how something of that magnitude is formed and molded through times of both happiness and sorrow.

I’m going to live my life to the capacity and purpose for which it was created. I’m going to continue to make my Aunt proud of me.

When I’m old and brittle and it’s my turn to leave this earth, I will meet you up in heaven by the beach near the tree, so we can watch the stars together. I love you forever Aunt Miriam.

SARA... YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN...

2009-04-01T20:00:00.005-04:00

I know I'm about a month late, but my HAGGY'S PREGNANT!! Sara managed to wrap her legs around her husband's waist, and for all intents and purposes... got SEEDED.

Everyone in my circle are well aware that I am not parent material. I hear a child cry and I reach for the masking tape and a thick blanket. It's just not wired in me to be a parent. Now don't get me wrong. I do enjoy children. They're cute little midgets who seem to attract dirt and mayhem. I especially enjoy the children who go home with their mommies at the end of the day. Patience I do not have.

Anywho, I am honestly, and loyally ecstatic that Sara has a newly forming bun-in-the-oven. Sara is a wonderful mom who doesn't pinch or trip her existing child, so to my standards, that makes for parenting material. I'm not worried.

Congratulations to my #2 HAGGY (tied with hIgh) for giving this monumental, horrific undertaking another shot. I think you've inspired me to buy a fish.

Don't ever question my love for you SCALLYWAG. Besitos.

HOW HIGH AM I?

2009-03-31T19:34:00.010-04:00

Sure, it's a little blurry. Sometimes pictures come out that way. But look at them. Look at the voluptuous shape of those ripe... um... I need to get a grip. I'm not supposed to be feeling this way. I just can't help myself when breasts like these are thrust into my field of vision. It's disorientating and my only cure would be to squeeze them with wild abandon. Better yet, I would also fully enjoy resting my head in between them.

The beautiful boobs that lay before you are those of my #2 hag... hIgh... with a capital I. Let me tell you a little something about hIgh. She is a layered, sharp-as-a-tack, Amazonian fox. Our interludes and general conversation would make a porn star blush. hIgh knows who she is and will verbally trounce you if you attempt to challenge her wit (only I can converse with her on that special level). We just simply GET EACH OTHER. I love her for that.

hIgh my Greek Goddess, I confess my undying loyalty and lust for you and someday, maybe someday, you'll take a glance down at my crotch and realize my penis is fully penetrated in your vagina. I love you, my self-proclaimed "gay man trapped in a woman's body..."

Slurp...

(I must apologize to my virginal readers. Today's post was inspired from my crotch)

THIS IS WHY I LOVE ME SOME JIMMY FALLON...

2009-03-28T15:49:00.010-04:00

I LOVE JIMMY BECAUSE HE MADE STICK-UP-HER-ASS MARTHA STEWART LAUGH...
(SHE EVEN GAVE HIM A CANNABIS PLANT AT THE END)

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

2009-03-26T20:40:00.019-04:00

Tastes like chicken...

Unless you are certified at frolic...

We fight you long time...

Please moan for cream and sugar...

I graduated from the BJ American School, suma cum loudly! (Thanks RG)

I was lost after tradition E...

Finally: fashion for the blind...

D-Titty for larger spaces...

Did the cat just ask me to kill myself?

Come back in 1 week...

Because mine isn't so great...

And Beavis is on the floor...

And the ! is like a baseball bat.

Do you feel insane? Yes, I feel fucking insane.

WHEN FRIENDS ARE ACTORS...

2009-03-24T14:58:00.013-04:00

A fellow co-worker and budding actor, my pal Josh Pesin took on a role in the upcoming Angelina Jolie flick "SALT" which is currently being filmed here in New York City. Never one to turn down a project, Josh has made his appearance in countless Hollywood films such as War of the Worlds and Revolutionary Road, along with television series' such as Law and Order and The Sopranos.

In this photo, Josh is accompanied by his fellow S.W.A.T. team members as they take a much-needed break from filming (and protecting) to pose for a photo. Josh will be prominently spotlighted in a scene where a funeral procession of the dead President of Russia is slowly making its way down Park Avenue as a BBC news reporter begins discussing the heightened security of the funeral. Josh states that he, along with a bunch of other S.W.A.T. team members (replete with rifles in hand), will be the heightened security that the main camera is focusing on as the reporter speaks.

I must admit, compared with his buddies, Josh portrays a member of NY's finest with a stern focus and believability. With an expanding resume that also includes 30 Rock and Fringe, Josh continues to work his way up into the arduous and abstruse world of showbiz. It's rather difficult not to be jealous of a man who was quite literally in arms-reach of one of the most stunning and talented actresses of our time.

Bravo to you Mr. Josh Pesin... for hard work (and a boat-load of tenacity) always pays off at the end.

WHY DO YOU REALLY HATE HIM...?

2009-03-23T11:57:00.014-04:00

Make no mistake about it: Alex Rodriguez's spread in the current issue of Details makes him look like a total narcissist. The photographer, Steven Klein, is an extremely creative force who enjoys pushing the comfort levels of both his subject and those who observe his work.

Why do people, guys in particular, hate A-Rod? Well, you can hate him because he lied, because he cheated or because he's not Derek Jeter. Most men, particularly the insecure ones, hate him because he reminds them of their own perceived shortcomings, and so to make themselves feel better, they call him the one word they have relied on to strip a man of his worth for decades: gay.

In fact, the whole story has way more to do with us than it does him. A-Rod is beautiful, but that's hardly a reason to hate him. Now you can hate him because he flaunts it. It's curious how technology makes it possible for anyone on the planet to pull up A-Rod's photo spread, and yet when it comes to discussing it, we're trapped on some sort of medieval hamster wheel:

"He's on the DL"
"That's supergay"
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, Could this be the gayest pose of all?"

I'm not going to lie -- I do find some of the quips to be pretty funny. The thing is, the pictures aren't really "gay" at all. They're just Alex staring at himself next to a tire in an abandoned building. That's not gay; that's just high fashion.

Clearly, you don't have to be a gay male to be good looking or say, "Alex Rodriguez is a good-looking guy", but you do have to be secure in who you are and who you are not. Obviously that's a tall order, considering that when many straight males talk about the appearance of another male in a positive way, he usually has to follow that up by punching a dude in the arm or adding a disclaimer such as, "My girl likes him, so I guess he's good looking." Look, being gay simply means you're attracted to the same gender -- that's it. It doesn't mean you have this burning desire to put on a dress, kiss yourself in the mirror or lie on a dirty mattress.

Trust me, I know...

WHEN I SEE MARCY I JIZZ IN MY PANTS...

2009-03-22T09:42:00.001-04:00

WHY DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY...

2009-03-20T18:50:00.016-04:00

How do you tell someone that you constantly and obsessively think about them? How do you tell someone that together, you would make the hottest couple ever? How do you tell someone that you absolutely lust over the inner-core of who they are? How do you tell someone that you get flushed and nervous whenever they're in your presence? How do you tell someone that you want to grab them from behind and kiss them sensually on the neck? How do you tell someone that you want to embrace them and stare into their eyes? How do you tell someone that you have been the object of lust for many, yet it is you who now lusts after someone?

How do you tell him that you never felt this strongly about any human being before?

You don't.

Not if you're gay and he's... straight.

I feel like shit. I need a hug.

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

2009-03-17T17:57:00.030-04:00

OOPS... how did he get in here?

Complete with Pentium 4 processors...

From the makers of Asslis...

The best chocolate I ever TRINED...

No DRONKING either...

I will be on the lookout...

It's mostly for the Sea Lions...

Guess where it goes...

Savor it... it's your last one.

The Bad Room... where all the naughtiness takes place...

I'll have a well-behaved omelet please...

Hannibal Lechter's Delight...

I know it's somewhere...

LABELS... WHO NEEDS STINKING LABELS?

2009-03-13T21:07:00.035-04:00

Sexuality is something that should never be labeled. Naturally you have people who categorize themselves as heterosexual, and you have people who categorize themselves as homosexual. Within these two sexual preferences sits a gray, leveled middle. In the center of the Kinsey Scale lies what is considered the bisexual (I would be a number 5). Bisexuality allows one to be attracted to both sexes. In between these sexual categories lies those who might consider themselves neither one or the other. We are the forgotten, unpopular crew who don't necessarily have a clear-cut definition as to what may define our most inner desires.

Speaking for myself, I find that I am certifiably aware I am attracted to men. Some may call that homosexual... but here is where things get a bit blurred. You see, I occasionally find myself languishing over women. To be a bit more clear, I thrive and swoon when I'm in the company of gorgeous, voluptuous women despite considering myself a "gay" man.

You might be asking yourself, "Is this poor guy just a confused bastard?" Well let me answer that with a thunderous NO. I feel that I am too intelligent and varied to be limited to one category or title. Me stymie my sexual potential? I think not.

It takes a very special kind of woman to test my sexual desires and have me walking the fence of ambiguity. I work with one such woman and I'm perplexed and intrigued by my unabashed gravitation towards her. Let's call her MARCY shall we?

Marcy is someone whom I speak to regularly and our conversations are unlike any other. Sure, I have countless stimulating conversations which leave me out of breath and quite aroused, but Marcy is someone who regularly tests the circuits of my libido.

BUZZ BUZZ

Whatever the name or category one might conjure up regarding someone like myself, I wonder if what I feel should even be studied or examined at all. Shouldn't embracing my feelings be enough? What is the need for labels anyway? I find these labels extremely limiting and claustrophobic if you ask me...

Women are gorgeous, soft, layered and intelligent. I enjoy touching and squeezing them. I love kissing them whilst grabbing a boob or two. They offer substance and are emotionally available at the drop of a dime. Ok my bad, most women are. Nevertheless, I enjoy being surrounded by the most attractive ladies (and I don't mean strictly outer-shell). Beauty has an obvious meaning in my attraction to someone as it is honestly the first quality that catches my eye. But as you and I know well, substance is key. It could be their little gestures that may come off as a bit corky... or maybe it's their coquettish reactions to my advances that have me sitting giddy. With me, my main attraction to a lady manifests itself in the little things. Little things mean the world to me.

Now don't get me wrong. Although I do find myself occasionally attracted to women, my most prominent lust lies with men. I'm secure in the fact that I have a raw, natural attraction to the male species and have known this since I was a child. When I'm near an attractive man, my zipper bursts in excitement. I "came out" to close friends and family when I was 21 and until I had my first experience with a man, I had no clue what I was missing. Before my sexual rebirth, nothing felt quite right. The essence of my identity was extremely blurred and missing in a sea of confusion.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm satisfied with the occasional hiccups within my sexual desires. With age comes limitless possibilities in the realm of attraction and I ponder what may unfold if I continue to explore what I thought I once disliked.

THANK YOU TO ALL THE MARCYS OUT THERE FOR FUELING MY CONTINUED EXPLORATION OF THE EVER-INTRIGUING SEXUAL GRAY AREA.

BESITOS

GETTING TO KNOW ME...

2009-03-10T20:41:00.037-04:00

I believe part of the whole aura of blogging is the fact that you can express yourself creatively and also have the chance to network and build cyber-relationships with your blogging buddies.

As I clearly don't have any issues with expressing my creative talents, I do feel that I can always improve on my cyber-pal relations. A contributing factor in acquiring visitors and retaining their attention is to share a snippet of who you are with your friends.

I've included some of the things I find stimulating enough to mention.
Get to know me a little will ya...

Music

Music has been with us as long as we can collectively remember. Musical instruments have been found dating back tens of thousands of years. I feel that if I just so happened to be a bird, my love of music will have me squawking to the beat with feathery abandon. It's in my soul, and that's far beyond the limits of a human/animal body.

HUMOR

Without humor peppered in every aspect of my life, I would buckle forward and curl up into a fetus position while popping Paxil after Paxil. I absolutely need humor to saturate my life. It's what makes me the life of the party dammit.

VIDEO GAMES

Since my very first Donkey Kong Jr. hand-held video game, I've been completely magnetized with the progression in technology and the limitless possibilities that this genre can accomplish. Just when the masses were ready to dismiss Nintendo, the Godly ones that be clapped their omnipotent hands and created the Wii. Don't fuck with Nintendo. They're veterans dammit.

FAMILY

Now that I've got your undivided attention, I should mention that my family is not in fact a terrorist organization. I just utilized a little shock strategy to retain your interest in my shennanigans. Oh yeah, my family is great. They're non-violent too.

BACON DOUBLE-CHEESEBURGER

All you vegans and veggies out there... CLOSE YOUR EYES!! Ok... phew. That was close. Anywho... I covet the bacon cheeseburger. Don't get me wrong now, I do enjoy my healthy food. I just felt it necessary to include that I'm a VIGILANT, CARNIVOROUS BEAST when it comes to food. I love me some MEAT. Coming from a gay man, I can see how that might provoke you to have yourself a little chuckle on my behalf.

DUDES

As a good-looking fellow myself (so I've been told) I must say that my tastes are rather exquisite. There isn't really one particular thing I look for in a guy, it's just that special something in their eyes. Oh, who am I kidding? The first pic doesn't even show the poor guy's head. Oh never mind. Enough with the gayness.

LINDSAY LOHAN

Sure, the bish is a hot mess, but don't you understand that is why I'm intrigued by this freckled freak? The woman is gorgeous and although she hasn't made a successful movie in years, she's managed to remain in the public eye. Why do photogs continue to hunt her down for that shot? Because she's interesting and has that special something... um... around her nose. Wipe your nose Lindsay. You're getting messy.

CORNY SUNSETS

By all means I am not a romantic. Not by a loooong shot. But I must admit that I do find myself mesmerized by the ocular wonder that is the sunset. I guess it's more scientific fascination than wanting to hold someone's hand.

DARK ART

I have a whole collection. Ask me about it one day...

MY HERITAGE

First and foremost I am a proud American. I was born and raised here and will always have the utmost respect and pride for the soil beneath my feet. That being said, I am second-generation American - my heritage being of Puerto Rican descent. A true blue American with Latin roots, I now pay more attention to what it means to be culturally aware. My American half braids itself to my Latin half, which are intertwined with great appreciation for both. Besides, Latins do it best.

I kid.

And that is a small part of what makes my life tick.
I tag WAT, MOLLY, MIMI, PRINCESSA and ALLISON.

MARGARET CHO IS MY HAG... BOW DOWN

2009-03-08T20:44:00.001-04:00

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

2009-03-06T20:31:00.031-05:00

Welcome to another fascinating installment of my dericious Lost in Translation posts. I came upon a basket-full of insane Japanese goodness from half-a-world away. Hope you enjoy the captions...

Read Carefurry and have a laugh will ya?

We would've tied for 2nd if it wasn't for that muffin incident...

Written twice in case you didn't get it the first time...

Where do I begin?

Starbucks is mere foreplay...

Be careful what you pick up...

Bareback...

Pastries with a vengeance...

No RIFF-RAFF or TOMFOOLERY either...

This product is most popular with women... (don't hate ladies)

Many have collected fucked up t-shirts too...

I'm enjoying myself as I write this... (groan)

And what about the Latin Hustle??

Filled with KOO-TEES...

Elmo's TB has been flaring up again...

Brain... cannot... compute...

Bipolar Belinda...

ME LIKE KITTENS??

2009-03-05T20:36:00.003-05:00

Take a listen to the adorable sounds this beautiful baby kitten makes. I've never heard/seen anything like it. It stands!!

THE MAN BEHIND THE MAVERICK...

2009-03-04T19:48:00.004-05:00

MEET BARRAMUNDI: THE TRANSEXUAL FISH

2009-03-01T18:28:00.001-05:00

The Barramundi fish are a salt and freshwater sport fish, targeted by many (tranny!). They have large silver scales which may become darker or lighter depending on their environment (tranny!).

Barramundi are mainly a summertime fish, but can be caught all year round and may be found frolicking in the mud (tranny!).

Highly prized by anglers for their good fighting abilities (tranny!), they are growing in popularity as a catch-and-release fish (tranny!).

When hooked on a lure, the Barramundi will often clear itself from the water several times throughout the battle and make long, powerful runs. This is what makes it such a popular target and it is believed that when you have caught one, it can become addictive (tranny!).

The species is sequentially hermaphoditic, most individuals maturing as males and then turning to female after maturity (tranny!).

This was a lesson in Eddie's School of Scientific Study.

Disclaimer: These comparisons have no malice intent towards any Transexual reader. It's sole purpose is to blow up your Tranny skirt.

RIHANNA BACK TOGETHER WITH CHRIS...

2009-02-28T02:00:00.016-05:00

A MAN WHO LAYS HIS HANDS ON A WOMAN IS NOT A MAN. IF THINGS GET HEATED BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN... THE MAN IS SUPPOSED TO WALK AWAY. A WOMAN'S BODY IS BUILT DIFFERENTLY THAN A MAN. WHEN A MAN STRIKES A WOMAN'S BODY OR FACE, IT DOES DAMAGE.

NO MATTER WHAT THE MEDIA CONJURES UP REGARDING WHAT TRANSPIRED THAT TRAGIC NIGHT, WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT SHE WAS STRUCK MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE FACE WITH BLUNT FORCE BY AN ENRAGED INDIVIDUAL. NO ONE WAS IN THE CAR THE NIGHT CHRIS BROWN LOST COMPLETE SANITY AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE ONE HE'S SUPPOSED TO CHERISH AND RESPECT.

THE MOST TRAGIC THING OF IT ALL IS THE DISTURBING FACT THAT SHE TOOK HIM BACK. LET ME REPEAT - SHE TOOK HIM BACK. HERE WE HAVE ONE OF THE MOST GORGEOUS, TALENTED YOUNG WOMEN IN THE INDUSTRY... BUT SADLY, THIS STARLET HAS ZERO SELF-WORTH. CHRIS BROWN NEEDS TO GO TO JAIL AND GET STRUCK IN THE FACE MULTIPLE TIMES BY HIS BIG, BROODING CELL MATE. MAYBE ONLY THEN HE WILL BEGIN TO THINK TWICE ABOUT EVER CONSIDERING HURTING ANOTHER WOMAN.

RIHANNA... WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE ARE YOU GIVING THE YOUNG WOMEN OUT THERE WHO ADMIRE EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR? LISTEN TO YOUR FAMILY. LOVE THYSELF A LITTLE MORE. WAKE UP LITTLE GIRL.

KILL BILL: THE MOST EXQUISITE SCENE EVER

2009-02-27T18:31:00.001-05:00

YOU MUST WATCH UNTIL THE END...
BLACK MAMBA VS. COPPERHEAD
ENJOY BITCHES