LAUGH UNTIL YOU HONK...

• I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."
• A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."
• A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
• A guy calls up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."
• I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.
• I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
• I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
• I bought a box of animal crackers and it said "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... dammit.