TEN HONEST THINGS ABOUT ME...

When I was tagged by the angelic Allison over at La Dolce Vita to name 10 honest things about myself, my heart began to race. First, to be tagged by Allison, your are expected to tap into untouched territory and ooze pure honesty. Second, I have nothing to be ashamed of because I love myself inside and out. I will try to speak from the heart (and a little from my groin) so here goes:

1. As much as I've tried to make sense of my newly discovered heterosexual side, I still remain in an utter fog as to what exactly it is I'm experiencing. It used to be that one minute I was picturing a sweaty Latino hunk bending over to pick up a coin and then the next second, a thunderous flash of pretty vagina consumed my thoughts. Lately though, I've been stuck on just one side of the fence. I'm poking and prodding into new territory (no pun intended).

2. The last time I "smoked the Devil's lettuce" I had all intents and purposes on cleaning my bathroom but instead ended up dancing in front of the bathroom mirror whilst placing an immediate order to Domino's for a delivery.

3. No matter how gorgeous a person's appearance, I manage to always take a glance at their hands. I'm captivated and enthralled by a nice pair of clappers. You could have a face that can sell magazines, but if your hands are hurtin', you can wave bye-bye Gargoyle Hands... (those with askew, irregular hands can skip the waving and simply walk away).

4. I sometimes fantasize about writing a skit with the SNL cast here in NYC so as to have the opportunity to brainstorm with some of the craziest minds around. Marinating in untapped possibilities, I know I can concoct multiple 4-minute skits with genius ease and secure my work with some of the best. I only hope that if I do find myself writing amongst the elite, I won't creep them the fuck out with my laceration-inducing sharp wit. America is not ready for this...

5. I cannot stop thinking about someone whom shall remain nameless. This person is consuming my thoughts and is a pleasant, sadistic splinter in my mind. You know who you are my Bella, and I can't wait to be in your presence again. You are the blood flowing through my veins...

6. Never did I imagine that I would submit to the masses and become entranced by my cell phone. It's scary how much I depend on it. The other day a phone rang on television... low and behold, I ran for my cell phone like Michael Jackson ran for the sandbox.

7. Lady Gaga has finally won my homo/hetero heart. I no longer feel the irrepressible urge to back-slap the bitch directly in her Poker Face.

8. I bet some of you were offended by the ending of #6... (for those who were offended... I say BEAT IT)

9. When I found myself dancing ferociously in the bathroom as mentioned in #2, I was listening to Mistress Barbara ~ Dance Me To The End of Love.
(listen to it here)

10. I see myself having a son in the next 7 years. I shall call him LITTLE MAVERICK.

THE FISH THAT NEVER WAS AND A POSSUM...

So glad to be back... let's get started...

For those of you who actually pay an iota of attention, you may have noticed that I never mentioned the whole "fish" thing again ever since I wrote about purchasing one a few blogs back. Well, about two weeks ago I had really thought the whole thing through and realized that no matter how minuscule the pet, I would still have to deal with its inevitable death sooner or later...

I have a gargantuan issue with losing a loved one so I can imagine the same could be said about a pet fish. Go ahead, chuckle... I can hear you dammit. Laugh it up. All I know is that if my fish died, I would curl up into a sad little ball and cry my queer ass to sleep. With this, I hesitate in welcoming a little life into my home as it requires feelings and constant care. Sure, your average folk would say that owning a fish requires a minimal amount of attention, but to me, I would find myself consumed and incessantly worrying if my little NARCISSUS caught the clap...

As I finally close the tragic chapter in my life titled "The Fish That Never Was," I must give honorable mention to my haggy Denise. Her horrible run-in with a sinister, menacing POSSUM the other night was the perfect bookend to her previously horrifying brush with a creature of the same name. Denise made it her business to begin her meticulous plot in eradicating NOSFERATU once and for all as she contacted me several times to see if I can provide any tips on how "code elimination" could actually be accomplished. Poison, painful traps, fire or a wooden bat, Denise is currently ready for any proactive suggestions...

Before I go, I must give a special shout-out to Tiffany and Missy. These women inspired me to get back to my blog and take care of business. They actually look forward to what I've concocted in this convoluted brain of mine and for that alone I sincerely express my gratitude and love.

~Peace and Latin love to all of my readers ~

I'M OFFICIALLY A GAGA FAN NOW... LMAO

CHRIS DAUGHTRY'S COVER OF "POKER FACE"

AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS...

I'll give you a clue... that's not a marriage license they're holding...

There's a man in the tree... seriously...

She'll swallow your soul...

His sisters aren't so convinced...

There's plenty of room on the couch... WTF?

I have doubts...

I would've touched her VAGINA...

Beyond a reasonable point of casualness...

FATHER'S DAY ACTING CLASS SKIT...

Josh Pesin, a good friend of mine who I've written about in previous posts is a budding actor who scored an acting role in this humorous Father's Day skit that is gaining notoriety on YouTube. Josh plays Darren, a father who is sharpening up his reaction skills when given a pair of socks as his Father's Day gift. Sarcasm at its best. Congratulations Josh... and happy Dad's Day... for you deserve so much more than a pair of socks.

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND...

A nomination of words that should be considered and placed into our current Webster's Collegiate Dictionary:

(for Josh)

• Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

• Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

• Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

• Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

• Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

• Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

• Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)

• Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

• Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

• Glibido: All talk and no action.

• Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

• Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

• Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

• Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.