YOU'RE NOT A PLAYER MATHEW...

Breakups aren't cute. Ask anyone who's been with a partner for more than a year and they'll tell you that when a relationship is severed, it can pierce your heart and leave you emotionally injured. This is not so with my haggy Sara...

Sara just recently endured the demise of her relationship of THREE YEARS. It came to a crashing halt when she discovered that her paramour was enjoying a slick new profile on MySpace, seeking another. To my perplexed surprise, I witnessed Sara literally shake it off with ease, almost unscathed by the news she just swallowed. Sara seemed metallic. In a furious swagger, Sara immediately cupped her cellphone and electronically pounded straight to her message options. Needless to say, she "re-recorded" a scathing little voice-mail that was fiercely directed to Mathew, as she was completely prepared for the MOTHER-EFFING CHEAT to call. I won't repeat the exact words of the message, but I will divulge to you in saying that there were lots of F's... and well... F's.

LET IT BE KNOWN THAT WHEN SOMEONE ATTEMPTS TO EMOTIONALLY BATTER ONE OF MY MAJESTIC HAGS, THEY BETTER RUN FOR SHELTER. My right hook can leave you yoked up. It's bad enough that I found it difficult to maintain my animalistic, jealous tendencies with the thought that Sara even had a boyfriend (I'm oddly heterosexual with my hags), but the icing on the proverbial cake was taken when this SLICK SON-OF-A-BITCH ruined a good thing. Sara my love... blowing up Mathew's spot is a complete privilege for me and I find it rather devilish to find so much joy in doing so.

This is MATHEW'S sickening little profile:

Smarter than your average bear, and cute to boot.

26-year-old in Newton, MA.
Seeking 18-30 year old women (more than one woman no less!)

Height: 6'2'' (not only is he a bastard, but he's a tall one)

Education: Associates Degree (more like a degree in CHEATING BITCH)

Body Type: Average (you'll be masturbating more now ASSHOLE)
Occupation:Restaurant Services (smooth way of saying HALF-ASS cook)
Hair Color: Light Brown (more like fuzz from hell)
Income: $50,000 (yeah, if you part-timed as a porn star)
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian (White/Caucasian CHEATER)
I Speak: English (fluent in BITCH)
Looks: Attractive (if you find the POLYGAMIST-type cute)
Religion: Christian (Christians have a conscience you loser)
Relationship Status: Never married (and never will be)
Smoking: Never (you'll need a cig after I'm done with you)
Children: No (how can you have kids when you are one?)
Drinking: Occasionally (you fucking lush)
Wants Children:Yes (how can you have them without a woman??)

Now that MATHEW is outed, I'm sure this will serve as some much-needed closure for Sara as the whole situation was an epic waste of her valuable time. Hopefully this little post will get out to many individuals; almost as a warning of what to steer clear of.

And oh yeah, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF MATHEW. If you have any questions you can come discuss it with me, as Sara is getting laid at the moment.