PAULA ABDUL ON THE SAUCE? NEVER!!

"I've never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs. Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying or doing drugs that could have done that. There have been 100 million lies about me. I'm squeaky clean. I've worked my ass off my entire life. (But) being involved in the show causes people to question everything. I have never missed a live show [of American Idol]. Even when I had surgery on my hand (for an infection caused by a botched manicure in 2004), I left my hospital bed to go to the show."

Paula, Paula, Paula... we all know (90% of America) that you like the Jesus Juice more than the vagrant around the corner so stop telling the lies. You enjoy sipping the sauce like no other... and besides, how else are you going to wash down those pills? The sooner you admit your bouts of inebriation, the sooner you'll realize that everyone has their own vice. Chugalug my lovely lush... for without your slurred speach and befuddled gestures, the show would be rather boring indeed. BURP!!