MY HOLLYWOOD SEXUALLY SUSPECT LIST

Wilmer Valderrama begins my infamous list simply because no straight guy would canoodle with one of the biggest fag-hags in gay history...Lindsay Lohan. Wilmer was so gaylicious on That 70's Show, with tight polyester pants to boot. Now he's hiding his homoness behind meaningless sexual romps with countless young females unaware of his true identity. An identity consisting of a happy sexual life with me...

Jesse Metcalfe is another dude whom I wouldn't mind spending a sleepless night with. Only a homosexual (or bisexual) has the patience and expertise to carve out a pair of eyebrows like this. Oh yeah, that under-the-lip hair patch is gay too.

Alejandro Sanz...what can I say? You find him on my list for the simple fact that he stood in for a video with Shakira and showed little to no interest in her gyrating hips and latin rump sugar. Any dude who can manage to glove his body against Shakira's without batting an eye has to be suspect. Alejandro probably prefers gyrating men and pipi sugar.

My Jakey makes an appearance on this list for personal reasons. I can't explain what it is that has me captivated to his goofy looks -- for it wasn't Brokeback Mountain that attracted me to him. That movie only capped my obsession with him. My attraction to Jake came about when I saw his movie Bubble Boy believe it or not. Never being one to herd with the flock, my love for Jake has existed since I can remember. Why do I think he's gay? He's just too perfect I guess.

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