DENISE CAN HANDLE THE JOB...

People all across America fantasize daily as to what is the perfect job. Whatever you do, from Engineer to Office Assistant, almost everyone can agree that they've daydreamed about working somewhere other than where they currently are. Denise (yes, my main hag) has been mentioning that she's had it with her job and would like to finagle her way out of her employ, but unfortunately is not quite clear as to which direction she wants to turn career-wise. As one of her dearest and loyal friends, I've come up with a few suggestions that I hope might clear up her foggy situation. Here are the fields I find most intriguing, and I'm sure parallel alongside her personality:

• Subway Monitor: I can't speak of other Subway Systems, but NYC is sorely lacking in people who are designated monitors. These monitors enable the Subway System to run efficiently while keeping "vermon and hostiles" at bay. Denise would be the perfect candidate on handling such tasks as directing Asians to an alternate route of travel (like their native bicycles). She also would be exceptional at kindly punching her way through a web of idiots who have no clue as how to travel among the civilized.
• Personal Homosexual Chef Services: This particular career entails preparing countless culinary delights and desserts for gay folk like myself. With credentials that consist of serving salivatory sustenance for moi on the regular, I find her more than qualified.
• Human TIVO Manual: Not just anyone can functionally operate a TIVO remote. Heck, there are some who find it difficult to even pause a scene (like myself), but when you can rock multiple season passes while deleting older series' in the process, who needs a booklet when you've got DENIVO.
• Visine Squirter: Hay Fever and eye allergies are always a nuisance and sometimes it can be a bit disorienting to self-administer a couple of drops in each of your eyes. No worries though, as my haggy wonder has the know-how and tenacity to handle such ocular omens. With one phone call, Denise will arrive, and right from your front door can project the necessary amount of eye drops to the effected eyes. With perplexing precision, she can squeeze the tube of Visine and not only apply to your eye area, but she can also apply an unknown amount to your neck, chest, lips and hair. With all those body parts covered in glistening goop, you'll never find yourself irritated again.