SEEING RED...

Every woman in the world can tell you that having her PERIOD is no walk in the park. As the name suggests, a woman's everyday schedule can be slowed to a halt like the dot at the end of this sentence when afflicted. I unfortunately grew up in a house full of women and in turn, layed witness to this monthly terror in all it's malignant spirit. I innocently thought I've seen it all (the rage, the dirty looks, the mocking and taunting of how I had it easy as a male) but to my astoundment, my haggy has transcended all that is bloody and crampy. By some strange miracle, I've managed to dodge any oncoming venom when Denise is at her gloomiest. Like a Puerto Rican ninja, I parry from left to right when her contact-covered eyes seem to be piercing through my soul with misdirected wrath. I swear she seems to get her period around the first of the month (like a welfare check) so I can only prepare for the worst and hope that I survive to make it through the end of the month. Like a schizophrenic eccentric, the PERIOD has seen many nicknames and developed nicknames throughout time, so I'll name a select few in honor of my haggy... or any other female who's bound and determined to spread their bloody path of violence my way:

• Being drafted
• Being female
• Being girly
• Being touched by a Goddess (more like Satan himself)
• Big Red
• Bleedies
• Bleeding Uterus Syndrome (B.U.S.)
• Bloody beast
• Bloody Mary
• Can't go swimming
• Cherry topping
• Chasing waterfalls
• Closed for maintenance
• Code red
• Crimson Curse (not to be confused with Crimson Room Dee)
• Dracula's tea bag
• Earning your red wings
• Hating life
• My pussy cat has a nose bleed (no, not Cheech)
• My Periodical
• Santa Claus
• Too wet to plow
• And my personal favorite... "The wound of Eve that never heals..."

In closing, I hope that every female who reads this will garner a bit of sympathy towards the innocent folk who don't enjoy being chastised while having dirty socks thrown at their face. Love ya haggy...