Wednesday, September 09, 2009


Denise, I now know what you mean. I returned home last night after a hard days work and fell prey to one of the most insidious, calculating flying beasts imaginable. Ladies and gentlemen, I fell victim to the North American Cockroach. Never in my life have I felt such horror with the thought of having such a huge insect flapping about as if it paid the fucking rent and financially supported me:

It was an ordinary evening. I dropped my computer bag onto my couch and like I do every time I return home, I flipped on the light switch. As I carried on with my usual routine of getting on all fours and doing 3 sets of 20 push-ups (what did you think I was going to say?), I heard a light but certain SMACK near my window as if a bird suddenly lost its sight and crashed against the wall. I looked up to see what that odd noise was... and there before my horrified eyes was the single-most largest Cockroach I've ever seen. The noise I heard was the noise a 4-inch cockroach makes when it flies from one end of a room to the opposite wall and lands.

In my younger years I had a psychotic addiction to nature shows and had a particular interest in the shows that specialized in insects. I'm no stranger to watching a multivariate of insects dance about from the safety of my television screen. I've seen the worlds most exotically grotesque and vomit-inducing roaches with trepidation and intrigue, but I never covered my eyes and ran for the hills in fear. I'm a veteran when it comes to learning the science behind what makes these fascinatingly cringe-worthy insects tick, let alone the ins and outs of their breeding process to boot. In this instance though, no nature show and all the educational value I have accumulated throughout the years could have prepared me for the ambush that was about to unfold.

After I made full eye-to-eye contact with the brownish-amber, nuclear war-immune vermin of shiny death, I went into commando mode. First I took a deep breath (with caution as I didn't want to up my chances of it flying into my mouth) and began to seek the appropriate weapon that would allow me to kill it in a safe and comfortable distance... coupled with the least amount of SPLAT. A roll of Bounty was at the top of my list as it gave me proper leverage and would fully absorb the inevitable squirting that will unleash when I lay out my can of ass-whoopin'. I zeroed in on the small bat and thought of the many possible directions it might soar towards and prepared myself for the worst. Its antennae swirling in opposite circles as if it were scanning the area, and its rear-end wiggling as if it were going to give birth to a pod filled with baby demons, I found the perfect opportunity and struck it with the strength of a Greek God.

Instinctively, I jumped back and followed the roach as it dropped to the ground and onto its back. It just stood there... no movement whatsoever as if it passed on and gone to roach heaven. But with the power of 3 voodoo priestesses, it flipped over, faced my direction and flew towards me with all its might and swift velocity. I swung the roll of Bounty in my defense like a teen cheerleader swinging her baton. I managed to whack it mid-flight and it landed on the ground with a savory thump and just stood there again, staring at me. As a chimpanzee and a rat might learn from their mistakes at your local lab, I too learned that if I didn't do something really quick it would head straight for my nostrils with the sole intention of tearing up my brain. I approached the roach and it immediately took an about-face and tried to escape toward the kitchen... but I slammed it with my trusty Bounty roll until it became part of my linoleum. Because I didn't take my assumption of its death for granted, I waited to see if there was a glimmer of movement, or maybe even the chance of a little red eye lighting up as if it were the Terminator. This time though, it was truly dead.

Because of this terribly traumatizing incident, I've made peace with cowardice as I now fully respect my sister Maio and my hag Denise for reacting the way they do when they come upon a roach or an insect of microscopic proportions in which my naked eye simply cannot see. No matter what the size of the insect, I have a new-found respect for their domain (even though it was my fucking house) and their right to life (far away from me please). Suffice it to say, I will never be the same.

Editor's note: My house is spotless and this has been the only time I have come across a roach. It gets very humid in New York City during the summer and they can make their appearance in the cleanest of abodes. God help me.


Blogger Christopher said...

They FLY??!! Holy Crap!

6:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

now i know you are for
I love you anyway.


7:32 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Omg, bb, can I please tell you that I was laughing so hard at all your perfect descriptions. You are just wonderful, and your way of expressing yourself is amazing. You never, ever cease to make me smile or make me happy. Your posts are just beautifully written - you have quite the way of expressing yourself!
I just adore you. I probably say it way too much, but it doesn't make it any less real. You're a gem, my dear. I just think you're wonderful.

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my god ewww...I would tell Ruben to kill that, I liked when you said a can of ass-whoopin' and I thought about The Rock lol, I love your blogs that you be writing with crazy descriptions, finally a written blog and I'm happy=] love you my love

- Your biggest fan Tiffany

12:14 AM  
Blogger RG said...

You messed with a Brooklyn cockroach and lived to tell the tale! You really ARE butch!

When I was in the Coast Guard, stationed on Governor's Island, we regularly trapped huge-ass roaches all the time and then disposed of them. One time, we caught one, and then covered it in D-Con Roach Killing Foam and don't you know that nasty thing walked away, shaking off the foam and turned around and looked at the group of us like, "Pfssssst. Pussies. That' all you got. Bring it bitches."

10:01 AM  
Anonymous Josh said...

I'm patiently waiting for you to sell the rights to the movie version of this fascinating, if not unsettling story. You can play yourself and Steve Buscemi can play the Roach.

10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't understand why you went commando??? Why would you take your underwear off for a roach???? Lol


9:14 PM  
Blogger mkf said...

nicely told.

growing up in houston, we had these big waterbugs (everybody called 'em cockroaches, but they really weren't) that absolutely terrified my mother.

she'd see one crawling up a wall--this always seemed to happen when my dad wasn't around--grab her broom, close her eyes and take a mighty swing, miss completely, the thing would fly at her, she'd fling the broom aside and run shrieking through the house while my brother, sister and i collapsed in helpless laughter.

she never learned, the routine never varied and it never got old--in fact, i think i'll call and give her shit about it right now. thanks for bringing back the memory.

9:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's true no matter how clean you are they rear their ugly heads or asses whenever, wherever they feel like it. Apparently the roaches who've visited my domain were all male & apparently know I'm a single female cause the fights we get into until I kill the damn thing are unbelievable. Here's the trick smash it into a million pieces & then flush it down the toilet. Throwing it in the garbage only makes it more angry & it comes back to life, really I've seen it.
I know for sure the one's I've seen in my lifetime are males cause they haven't figured out yet you never mess with a crazy sicilian!
Just kidding you guys.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Eddie said...

Anonymous: Yep, they're evil, sinister creatures...

I would like for you to leave your name next time you comment because I have no clue who you are. Crazy Sicilian? Hmmm...

12:30 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

This was another great one! I haven't seen a creature from hell in a long time. Watch, I have just jinxed myself. I will be sleeping with one eye opened tonight.

8:37 PM  
Anonymous LOOLY said...

I've never been so captivated by a story before!!You poor thing!! When we were little, you were "THE BOY" of the house and we always nominated you to slay the bugs, but we never stopped to think that you might be just as scared as we were! You never showed fear, at least in front of your sisters. You probably would walk into the other room and collapse!!LMAO!!! It's funny, here in Jersey, we have every exotic bug you could think of in the suburbs except "caca-roaches"!! Love you my twin!!

11:34 PM  

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