Sunday, September 13, 2009


I wish MapQuest had an "avoid ghetto" routing option.

More often then not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever walked down the street and realized that you're going in the opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just doing a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to make sure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by switching directions on the sidewalk.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you were playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out and blow on it and somehow that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that without the help of a message board or F.A.Q's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for a SARCASM font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no fucking idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I think that everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone is laughing at the right parts, then making sure that I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Whenever someone says, "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

How many times is it appropriate to say "what?" before you just nod your head and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dickhead from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers!

While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it. Thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions at #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my God-damned neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you HOW the person died.

I find it hard to believe that there are actual people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever invention comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you're going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of WORD and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I didn't make any changes to.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. "I love this show but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?"

I hate when I just missed a call by the last ring (hello? hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and it goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Were you so offended that I didn't pick up that you are now playing coy?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my music folder, except when it's on shuffle. Then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my folder.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians. As a pedestrian I hate drivers. No matter what my mode of transportation... I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even if I knew your Social Security number, I wouldn't know what to do with it.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind does the speed limit.


I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


Blogger Allison said...

Omg, these are so, so true. I read like half of them to my roommate and we just laughed...especially about the Nintendo cartridge one, or the fine line between boredom and hunger. That describes me to a t! Also, the red light texting thing =) Actually, all of these. These all put the biggest smile on my face, my dear.
And, omg, to your comment on one of my posts...may I please tell you how my boyfriend lives in Wayne too! So funny...
I just adore you my dear...I'm sure you bring a tonnnn of life into your apartment, and hello, you're living in Brooklyn. That kicks my sweet little apartments ass.
I love ya, my dear. You are just too sweet for words.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous LOOLY said...

These are fabulous!!! I remember you " AUDIENCE CONDUCTING" when you wanted me to see Kill Bill! I was very unaware that you actually watch to see if everyone is laughing at the appropriate scenes! I know that if I didn't laugh, or laugh enough, at a scene you think is funny, you'll rewind to make sure that I "get it"!!You'll give me that "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU BITCH?WHY ARENT YOU LAUGHING LOOK!!!" BTW, no one is better than you! You are the bestist, most funniest brother in the whole wide web! And no, Im not using the SARCASM font !

11:15 PM  
Blogger said...

hahahaah! I love and agree with all of these!
I especially agree with the cyclists comment. You're wakling and its like, get on the road asshole, then you're driving and its arghh get off the road, I don't want to have to wait and avoid your slow ass.
Love it.

11:37 PM  
Blogger RG said...

I enjoyed your observations greatly today!

How about when you're on the highway driving and the person in front of you isn't really driving slow, they're just not DRIVING FAST ENOUGH!

I always feel stupid when I happen to start choking on an ice cube, get all panicky and then realize, "Oh wait. It's ice it will melt."

I always feel stupid running around looking for my keys when they're in my hand. Same thing applies to eyeglass that are on top of your head.

8:52 AM  
Blogger myblackfriendsays said...

so many of these made me lol. I actually like lol, I only type it when that is in fact what I have just done.

8:50 PM  
Blogger said...

lol! Joe's my boyfriend... so there is not weird 'taking the pants off my brother' thing going on. hahaha. How awkward if it was? *shudder*
And I'm guessing he was feeling pretty bad for their to be no sexual comments. :)

10:15 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

What can I say other than "loved them all."

6:05 PM  

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