REPULSIVE ASS MYSTERIES...

Tara Reid's saggy crapper terrorizes nearby folk as botched up lipo and countless rendezvous with good 'ole Johnny Walker has left poor Tara resembling a jar of Playdoe. I can finger her thighs and mold her into a wombat you know. You're too young to look this battered Tara. Let us pray.

Uma's tail begins to fail as she obviously gained nothing in the ass area from Kill Bill. Black Mambas inherently lack in the ass department anyway (they're snakes dammit) so it's only fitting that she represents to the fullest. One question: what exactly is that little red strip covering?

Kimberly Stewart's ass is aghast as she tightens her cheek-less wonder for all to see (and throw up a little in their mouth) as she coyly turns towards the paparazzi for some camera fun. Listen bitch, that doesn't look cute in the least, so give it up and keep spending your daddy's money.

Looking like she was just released from intensive care, an opaque Kirsten Dunst shows the world what it's like to be the reigning queen of NO ASS AND ALL BONES. JLo's got nothing on this bish.

Nicole Richie's wiggle seems to have lost its jiggle ever since she's joined the "I REFUSE TO EAT ANYTHING WITH CALORIES" club. While I respect the bitch and try not to point an accusatory finger at her obvious fasting, I can't help but mention that she is the type of woman who looks skinny even when she's bent over in front of you. Now how about that double cheeseburger Ms. Richie? Leave them celery sticks alone yo...

Rose McGowan seriously needs to conjure up an ass spell. I said GOD DAMN. I'm sure everyone has seen McGowan's pale lack of ass when she strutted her non-stuff at the MTV Video Music Awards some years ago. Damn Paige, with orbing powers and all, you've managed to steer clear of orbing your ass into something plump and purty. Damn.

Ozzy Osbourne's arse ostracizes the unsuspecting crowd at a Black Sabbath concert in Europe. When everyone began to stare in horror, a hairy BLACK BAT shot out of his poop chute and flew circles around everyone's stunned face. Watch yo ass... I mean back.