Saturday, May 16, 2009


I consider the responsibility of raising a child the equivalent to climbing Mt. Everest with a flat-clawed hammer and a wind breaker. The task of raising a human being not only horrifies me, it also sends my X and Y chromosomes into a panic in which my sperm set up shop and refuse to exit my testes. Now, the last thing I want to do is repulse any of my readers. I truly don't mean to sound like an ogre. I just cannot fathom the thought of raising a child without the sudden urge of suicide crossing my mind.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been contemplating the thought of raising something which would be far less taxing on my psyche in general. Something that won't cause my neighbors to call Social Services on me regarding my parenting techniques. Ladies, gentlemen and trannies, I've been thinking about raising a fish. Now I'm sure some of you may be thinking, "I thought the last thing a gay man would want is to be near fish..." but I assure you, I never did mind the thought. Fish are quiet (no annoying crying when they are hungry), they don't require the annoying word some people like to call attention (I have push-ups to do dammit), and most of all... fish don't poop in the form of mud slides (microscopic worm-like poop I can handle). I guess the only comparison a fish might have with a possessed little child is the fact that they require a name. Here is where I'm a bit stumped and am asking for your help. I've come up with an exquisite list of contenders and I have to narrow it down to one. These are the names I'm considering:

1. Scallywag
2. Fishyface
3. Liverlips
4. Narcissus
5. Wanda
6. Harmonica Sunbeam
7. Gill
8. Mascara
9. Edward (as in Twilight)
10. Fishy Pussy

Now... I must mention that last winner was the brainstorm of my haggy Denise. Never one to disappoint with her assistance from hell, I've listed it as possible choice #10. My sister Natalie suggested that I not only get a fish, but that I get it a partner in crime. "The fish will become lonely" she said. I guess she's right. My only fear is that they will become mortal enemies and just simply not get along:

For what it's worth, I'm going to take a dive (pun intended) into the parenting waters with the notion of raising a life in the safety of a tank. Encased in glass, this little creature doesn't have to worry about getting run over by a truck because I somehow forgot to hold its hand. This little creature doesn't have to worry about the times I've forgotten to feed it because I decided to text incessantly with a friend, telling them how proud of a parent I am (fish can eat left-over residue from their pebbled rug). Most of all, this little creature doesn't have to worry about me giving it a swift back-slap when it acts a fool. I can handle the noise of little bubbles. After all, I'm not mean...


Blogger Princessa lil mexico said...

Congrats on the major change. You will make a wonderful fish papi! I think taking a step smaller is a great way to perhaps take a major step into fatherhood. E.I Cat, dog, a child.

Congrats papi

11:39 PM  
Blogger said...

I love it!
I like Mascara for a name. :)
I'm not sure on the partner fish though... I had two fish, a black goldfish and a regular goldfish [Fred and Holly Golightly respectively] and Holly killed Fred 1, at which point we got Fred 2, then Fred 2 went... and then... Holly met the porcelain cemetary a short time later... but we did have most of them for about 3 or 4 years.
Good luck! :D

2:51 AM  
Blogger RG said...

How about Sweety Swishy Fishington?

8:22 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

I like Gill. It's masculine and easy to remember. Perhaps you can add a #11 to your list. Aquafina!If it's a trannie of course.

11:16 AM  
Blogger myblackfriendsays said...

Tough choices, but I like scallywag and wanda best (:

12:55 PM  
Blogger myblackfriendsays said...

Oh, I also agree that a fish friend is in order.

12:55 PM  
Blogger mkf said...

ah, the fish--the bic disposable lighter of pets. i think you've made a wise choice.

2:23 PM  
Blogger RG said...

So, I have to ask, is this like a dry-run (no pun intended) for actually thawing out your heart? Maybe the next step would be a mammal? ;)

2:48 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

I agree as much I like children, definitely not for me! [at least in my 20s] but congrats on your new pet I have to go with the name Gill, but you know if I were to get another pet besides my tiny pet cat I would name them Bonnie and Clyde. Hmm I also love the name Maverick for a fish :)


9:00 PM  
Blogger molly said...

i like the names narcissus, and mascara!
looove that you got a fish, eddie, so badass! can we see a picture soon?

10:46 PM  
Blogger WAT said...

Well, you certainly make excellent points against having and raising children. I often wonder if I will ever reach a point of wanting one of those things, but I never seem to get there. As I get older, I sometimes do feel a fatherly instinct come over me and how nice it would be to have a little tyke or two, but the money, responsibility, and time involved would be a great sacrifice, and I am frankly too selfish still. Besides, I think of the world they would come into, and it sucks so majorly really!

Now a fishy, that is just way too cool and so much easier for sure.

1:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your post compelled me to get a fish for Isabella. She named her's fishy.


3:25 PM  
Blogger this wheel's on fire said...

okay, okay, i love you :)

9:02 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Omg, you are my favorite person ever. Seriously, the way you relate owning a fish to having a child makes me laugh, you are toooo cute, bb! As someone who is a nanny/babysitter, the idea of having my own children makes me want to die inside a little, so I can completely relate and think you are 0% ogre like.
I like the name Narcissus! But maybe because I love mythology. Be careful about getting two fish - make sure they won't gobble each other up!
Good luck and be sureee to keep me updated as to what you end up doing :)

1:22 AM  
Anonymous LOOLY said...

Ooooh!!! Fishees! Yay for you big bro!!Nats right, you need two so as to avoid loneliness and possibly eventual madness! All your names are deelicious, especially Liverlips!!If you do go with two though, may I suggest Ly-Ly and Pito? LOL!!!!Who knows...maybe after time you will upgrade to a family of Sea Monkeys!! Just think of all the fun, torturous things you can do to them! and the best part would be knowing no one can hear their tiny little screams!

3:30 PM  

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