WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK...

When a person is born and raised in the city, they're not usually accustomed to the wonders of nature and the creatures who roam the forests and fields of untouched habitat. Naturally, when someone who is raised in a concrete jungle crosses paths with this mysterious animal world, mayhem can ensue.

Missy, a friend whom I mentioned in a previous post, found herself in a hostile, violating situation two weeks ago. She decided to stop and have a bite to eat by a local park to soak up the beautiful day... but had no inclination as to what awaited her as she embraced her mastication with salivary slurps of delight...

With the sound of sinister violins fiercely playing in the background, an ominous rat-like creature approached Missy with the appetite of a ravenous wombat with an intense stare. Startled and repulsed, Missy instinctively clutched her food and screeched in the appropriate manner. Without expressing a single flinch, the demonic, famished creature-of-the-night did not react despite the waving of Missy's arms and her numerous kicking gestures. The squirrel continued to approach her with a satanic agenda. With food in its sight and no intention on backing off until it secured itself a french fry, this squirrel maintained its ground and it INTIMIDATED. What could have ended in a fierce struggle between sharp claws and Gucci shades, ended up commencing in a peaceful parting... the fluffy-tailed wonder became distracted by another unsuspecting hapless victim...

(after Missy threatened it's family and suggested dialing 911 of course...)

With an equal amount of horror and repulsion, my haggy Denise had a similar story regarding crossing paths with an animal. Before I divulge into that madness, I must inform my readers that Denise tends to be horrified of anything that is not human. Insects in particular have managed to alter her being and send her into a wild frenzy filled with anxiety, timidity and terror. Many a times I found myself responding to Denise's gravely screeches only to find a phlegmatic, non-threatening ladybug. This time though... I must admit, my hag's ear-piercing reaction was warranted:

With her fear of non-urban animals in mind, Denise was driving in her car when suddenly the car ahead of her hit the brakes and skid to a sudden halt. As she gained her composure, she noticed a moving object crossing in front of the vehicle ahead of her and asked her boyfriend what just happened. Before Rodney could answer, my hag noticed what looked like an unusually large rat with a long, thick tail scurrying slowly and arrogantly, as if it could care less that it almost caused an accident. With a foreboding fright, Denise locked eyes with what she later learned was a POSSUM. She asked her boyfriend what it was (again) and kept asking why it was in Brooklyn. Her agitation and despair soon transitioned into the vomit-inducing nausea she later felt. She continued to explain that the creature hopped onto the sidewalk and walked up the front steps of an apartment. It might as well have turned around and gave her the finger...

Why couldn't all animals look like gerbils.
(Insert gay joke here)