Saturday, May 23, 2009


When a person is born and raised in the city, they're not usually accustomed to the wonders of nature and the creatures who roam the forests and fields of untouched habitat. Naturally, when someone who is raised in a concrete jungle crosses paths with this mysterious animal world, mayhem can ensue.

Missy, a friend whom I mentioned in a previous post, found herself in a hostile, violating situation two weeks ago. She decided to stop and have a bite to eat by a local park to soak up the beautiful day... but had no inclination as to what awaited her as she embraced her mastication with salivary slurps of delight...

With the sound of sinister violins fiercely playing in the background, an ominous rat-like creature approached Missy with the appetite of a ravenous wombat with an intense stare. Startled and repulsed, Missy instinctively clutched her food and screeched in the appropriate manner. Without expressing a single flinch, the demonic, famished creature-of-the-night did not react despite the waving of Missy's arms and her numerous kicking gestures. The squirrel continued to approach her with a satanic agenda. With food in its sight and no intention on backing off until it secured itself a french fry, this squirrel maintained its ground and it INTIMIDATED. What could have ended in a fierce struggle between sharp claws and Gucci shades, ended up commencing in a peaceful parting... the fluffy-tailed wonder became distracted by another unsuspecting hapless victim...

(after Missy threatened it's family and suggested dialing 911 of course...)

With an equal amount of horror and repulsion, my haggy Denise had a similar story regarding crossing paths with an animal. Before I divulge into that madness, I must inform my readers that Denise tends to be horrified of anything that is not human. Insects in particular have managed to alter her being and send her into a wild frenzy filled with anxiety, timidity and terror. Many a times I found myself responding to Denise's gravely screeches only to find a phlegmatic, non-threatening ladybug. This time though... I must admit, my hag's ear-piercing reaction was warranted:

With her fear of non-urban animals in mind, Denise was driving in her car when suddenly the car ahead of her hit the brakes and skid to a sudden halt. As she gained her composure, she noticed a moving object crossing in front of the vehicle ahead of her and asked her boyfriend what just happened. Before Rodney could answer, my hag noticed what looked like an unusually large rat with a long, thick tail scurrying slowly and arrogantly, as if it could care less that it almost caused an accident. With a foreboding fright, Denise locked eyes with what she later learned was a POSSUM. She asked her boyfriend what it was (again) and kept asking why it was in Brooklyn. Her agitation and despair soon transitioned into the vomit-inducing nausea she later felt. She continued to explain that the creature hopped onto the sidewalk and walked up the front steps of an apartment. It might as well have turned around and gave her the finger...

Why couldn't all animals look like gerbils.
(Insert gay joke here)


Blogger Mimi said...

I'm a southern girl and as many gross and weird looking creatures we have here in Tx they still freak me out!

I live a little outside the hustle and bustle of my city and I see possums, skunks, squirrels, and of course our state animal armadillos everyday. I even see possums in my backyard [EWW] so I know how these girls feel I freak out whenever I see these rodents

P. S. I gave into temptation and I know have a twitter :)


9:12 PM  
Blogger RG said...

Oh you big city folks and your fear of animals other than homo sapiens!

Although I live in Boston there are several parks by my house and we have skunks and possums and even a coyote or two running through our backyards. (seriously - coyotes)

Two summers ago we had a rabid raccoon in the middle of the street and the city had to come out and kill it.

But a squirrel? Well it IS New York City...

When the city was going through the Big Dig, they upset a whole lot of rats' nests and the neighborhoods close to the harbor had a big infestation problem. And these weren't ordinary rats either - they were Belgian Wharf Rats - about the size of a skunk. Nasty little buggers - they chew on telephone poles to keep their teeth sharp.

9:37 AM  
Blogger RAD said...

Yikes!! I have gotten used to throwing out rats and mice ---due to my cat...but I am still afraid of ALOT of critters!!

12:11 PM  
Blogger RAD said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG one morning I got up early to get on a flight and a big old possum was in the backyard in Brooklyn(at Lisa's, so you know the size of that yard). Anyway ANdre was up so I amde him scare it away so I wouldn't miss my flight. I was terrified.


12:25 PM  
Blogger molly said...

ugh i can fully relate to this (fantastically-written, i must add) post! sometimes an animal dares enter the vicinity of my person and i am forced to scream, flail and pray to get it to leave.
i like eating animals and i like wearing animals...yeah, now what, PETA?

3:37 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

Omg, reading this gave me the chillssss. You wrote this absolutely beautifully. As much as I support animal rights, that doesn't mean that when I see a possum in the road I don't inwardly screammm.
And I swear, a possum is the most heinous animal alive - gross.
Seriously bb, you right so, so well.
Enjoy your day - hopefullyyy you're doing something amazing!

6:19 PM  
Blogger Allison said...

So bb, I just HAD to write back to the darling comment you left on my blog. Could you seriously be any sweeter?!
I haven't read Naked by David Sedaris, but I do like him a lottt. I'll have to pick it up :)
I seriously just adore you too much for words. Never change, you're absolute perfection my dear!

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Josh said...

Latin Lover, if you remember my special Facebook list, one of those items mentioned me being attacked by an owl back in 1999 in Yellowstone National Park. I honestly was the one who instigated the attack by hooting at the owl while it was minding it's own business sitting on the utility pole. We should all use this story as a precautionary tale not to speak to animals in their own language since we may be unintentionally cursing them out. When I hooted at it, it may have translated as, "Hey asshole with the big freakin' eyes and no neck, you look like a fucking lame idiot sitting on that pole!" Moral of the story: respect nature from afar and keep your mouth shut, or deal with the consequences.

BTW, Allison is cute.

10:30 AM  

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