Monday, September 28, 2009




Thursday, September 17, 2009


Thus, climbing is allowed...

Specially made for those Dipsey-Doodle-type nails...

Seizure Susan Doll...

Right next to Triscuit falls...

Equal opportunity for your local Tranny...

No need to knock bitch...

I traded my inhibitions for prohibitions...


I've always wondered where the GRINCH lived...

Come on human... you know you want to...

BJ not guaranteed upon check in...

And it comes out as BROWN RICE...

Sunday, September 13, 2009


I wish MapQuest had an "avoid ghetto" routing option.

More often then not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever walked down the street and realized that you're going in the opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just doing a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to make sure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by switching directions on the sidewalk.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you were playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out and blow on it and somehow that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that without the help of a message board or F.A.Q's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for a SARCASM font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no fucking idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I think that everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone is laughing at the right parts, then making sure that I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Whenever someone says, "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

How many times is it appropriate to say "what?" before you just nod your head and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dickhead from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers!

While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it. Thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions at #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my God-damned neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you HOW the person died.

I find it hard to believe that there are actual people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever invention comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you're going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of WORD and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I didn't make any changes to.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. "I love this show but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?"

I hate when I just missed a call by the last ring (hello? hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and it goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Were you so offended that I didn't pick up that you are now playing coy?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my music folder, except when it's on shuffle. Then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my folder.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians. As a pedestrian I hate drivers. No matter what my mode of transportation... I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even if I knew your Social Security number, I wouldn't know what to do with it.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind does the speed limit.


I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009


Denise, I now know what you mean. I returned home last night after a hard days work and fell prey to one of the most insidious, calculating flying beasts imaginable. Ladies and gentlemen, I fell victim to the North American Cockroach. Never in my life have I felt such horror with the thought of having such a huge insect flapping about as if it paid the fucking rent and financially supported me:

It was an ordinary evening. I dropped my computer bag onto my couch and like I do every time I return home, I flipped on the light switch. As I carried on with my usual routine of getting on all fours and doing 3 sets of 20 push-ups (what did you think I was going to say?), I heard a light but certain SMACK near my window as if a bird suddenly lost its sight and crashed against the wall. I looked up to see what that odd noise was... and there before my horrified eyes was the single-most largest Cockroach I've ever seen. The noise I heard was the noise a 4-inch cockroach makes when it flies from one end of a room to the opposite wall and lands.

In my younger years I had a psychotic addiction to nature shows and had a particular interest in the shows that specialized in insects. I'm no stranger to watching a multivariate of insects dance about from the safety of my television screen. I've seen the worlds most exotically grotesque and vomit-inducing roaches with trepidation and intrigue, but I never covered my eyes and ran for the hills in fear. I'm a veteran when it comes to learning the science behind what makes these fascinatingly cringe-worthy insects tick, let alone the ins and outs of their breeding process to boot. In this instance though, no nature show and all the educational value I have accumulated throughout the years could have prepared me for the ambush that was about to unfold.

After I made full eye-to-eye contact with the brownish-amber, nuclear war-immune vermin of shiny death, I went into commando mode. First I took a deep breath (with caution as I didn't want to up my chances of it flying into my mouth) and began to seek the appropriate weapon that would allow me to kill it in a safe and comfortable distance... coupled with the least amount of SPLAT. A roll of Bounty was at the top of my list as it gave me proper leverage and would fully absorb the inevitable squirting that will unleash when I lay out my can of ass-whoopin'. I zeroed in on the small bat and thought of the many possible directions it might soar towards and prepared myself for the worst. Its antennae swirling in opposite circles as if it were scanning the area, and its rear-end wiggling as if it were going to give birth to a pod filled with baby demons, I found the perfect opportunity and struck it with the strength of a Greek God.

Instinctively, I jumped back and followed the roach as it dropped to the ground and onto its back. It just stood there... no movement whatsoever as if it passed on and gone to roach heaven. But with the power of 3 voodoo priestesses, it flipped over, faced my direction and flew towards me with all its might and swift velocity. I swung the roll of Bounty in my defense like a teen cheerleader swinging her baton. I managed to whack it mid-flight and it landed on the ground with a savory thump and just stood there again, staring at me. As a chimpanzee and a rat might learn from their mistakes at your local lab, I too learned that if I didn't do something really quick it would head straight for my nostrils with the sole intention of tearing up my brain. I approached the roach and it immediately took an about-face and tried to escape toward the kitchen... but I slammed it with my trusty Bounty roll until it became part of my linoleum. Because I didn't take my assumption of its death for granted, I waited to see if there was a glimmer of movement, or maybe even the chance of a little red eye lighting up as if it were the Terminator. This time though, it was truly dead.

Because of this terribly traumatizing incident, I've made peace with cowardice as I now fully respect my sister Maio and my hag Denise for reacting the way they do when they come upon a roach or an insect of microscopic proportions in which my naked eye simply cannot see. No matter what the size of the insect, I have a new-found respect for their domain (even though it was my fucking house) and their right to life (far away from me please). Suffice it to say, I will never be the same.

Editor's note: My house is spotless and this has been the only time I have come across a roach. It gets very humid in New York City during the summer and they can make their appearance in the cleanest of abodes. God help me.

Saturday, September 05, 2009



Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat
by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure
on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit
the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
You'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.

Eddie’s Last Thought: People are like Slinkies...not really
good for much but they bring a smile to your face when
you push them down the stairs.