Thursday, August 31, 2006


Taking a page out of the closeted fag handbook (I had 21 years experience) John Travolta remains on the "Down Low" despite being white. Rumor has been circulating for some time now as to whether or not Travolta likes pipi or tooty, but as this pic illustrates... he likes tall, blonde pipi. John was later seen inserting his Jumbo Jet into the blonde's airplane hangar. [source]


  • Occasionally I'll be posting random rants from close friends and acquaintances who've managed to experience something life-inspiring or life-threatening during their everyday travels. Here is such a story from my haggy's co-worker Aury, who I'm dying to get to know better. Major props to Aury for not taking shit on the N train, and simply for being an overall bad-ass...
I have to share my morning... So I get on the N train, but not before I am shoved by this little spec-of-a-woman who weighed less than one of my legs. She truly rammed me from the back and I swear that if she hadn't been so little, I would have given her a sopla-moco (snot-rocket in Spanish) and sent her ass back to the Ming Dynasty. After my nostrils returned from the flare-up and my eyes returned from the back of my head and the steam stopped coming out of my ears, I noticed a guy sitting half-on and half-off of his chair. So, knowing very well that he was getting off at Pacific Street, I stood in front of him. We get to Pacific, the doors open, he gets up, and don't you know this little mariconcita (a female bitch/homo) JUMPED OVER the girl next to me and ATTEMPTED to slide her skinny little ass into the seat. In the process, she stepped on my feet (I had on flip flops) with her wet and gooey shoes. At the time of the incident, lol, I was listening to Eminem's "Criminal." I swear it was like Eminem came out of my IPOD and told me to snuff the bitch, lol. I don't know what got into me, but I pinched her shirt (in the process I also pinched her) and just dragged her to the side and sat down. She then proceeded to grill me like she wanted to fight. She had to be like 50 years old -- you know, not too old to get snuffed, so I didn't feel so bad. So we began to stare each other down (I put my Ipod away and took off my earrings, and got into fighting mode thinking... "if this fucking China THINKS for one minute that I won't snuff her, she has something coming to her"). So I'm looking up, she's looking down and all of a sudden, SHE FUCKING KICKED ME. I looked at her in disbelief, and my first reaction was to laugh REALLY hard. I couldn't contain myself. She turned around, that little bacalao-smelling, orange bag carrying freak and acted like she taught me a lesson. Facing the possibility of jail time if I began to hit her, I snapped and decided to kick her back, but HARD. I caught her in the asscheek and was like "YO... WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU KICKING?!" She tried to talk back and I just flipped my noodle. I took my paper and rolled it up and pointed it at her and said... "touch me one more time and see if I won't hit you with this paper cabrona!" I stood up and looked down about 5 feet, lol, and proceeded to yell at this fucker. We argued all the way to Canal Street. When I reached my stop, I got up and looked back at her like... "yeah bitch, go ahead... TOUCH ME." I couldn't give a shit if the Chinese Mafia would have come out of nowhere -- I was ready. And she knew it.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


I had dimples when I was younger. Actually I had one dimple. Dimple or not... I can clearly announce that although I no longer have them on my face, I do have them on my ass now. Nice sexy dimples... where they belong. Mario Lopez is a sexy mutha effa. [source]
My body actually comes close to this perfection, but I'm working on my abs. Is it possible that I have some narcissistic disease that enables me to love myself? Nah. Amorously Kissing the mirror doesn't count right? I swear I only self-love three times a week (kissing the mirror you freaks). [source]
Mario has come a loooong way since playing Slater on Saved By The Bell. I can honestly confess that my love for him stretches back since then, but I do blush in the process of admitting it. Mario loves me. [source]
Looking extremely hot in this blue shirt/tie combo, Mario keeps me yearning to play sex games with his dimples. Oh... I can come up with lots of creative things, trust me... [source]

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


TUPLANK!!! For those who don't understand what I just wrote, it's Puerto Rican for "almost killing yourself/falling on your ass." Shout out to Aury for that magnificant word. Love ya bish!!
Someone must've been whispering near Nicole Richie, because homegirl almost went down. I love how Brody Jenner is just ignoring her ass. I'm sure she broke a bone or three...
Regaining her composure, Nicole realizes how extremely close she came to chipping her teeth on the hard brick below. Just imagine how chipping her chicklets could've affected her eating habbits. Not being able to chew properly would narrow her meals down to honey and water -- no more celery!! [source]


Nipples, nipples and more nipples. Lindsay Lohan lets her areolas hang out as she threatens the paparazzi with what looks like a toothpick. Is she outright making fun of Nicole Richie with that toothpick? Is Lindsay displaying what she looked like not too long ago with that toothpick? Regardless, my Lindso looks healthy again. I want to lick her belly button yo.
My Lindso erotically charges my loins beyond belief. Looking healthy and Pocahontas-like with her boots, Lindsay continues to challenge my sexual identity as I can't peel my eyes off her nipples... [source]

Monday, August 28, 2006


This is the video that officially had me hooked to my JLo. The dance beat alone had me grinding to begin with, but layered among the deep beats lies a definite latin undertone. Jennifer looks amazing in this video and I can't get enough of her cutely addictive smile. I love you Jen Jen. Puerto Rican Power!!

And this here is when you've just had a shot of Tequilla goodness or whatever your choice of poison is. Remixed to the point of orgasm, I rock this version when I feel like dancing with a hot guy. Lick it...

Saturday, August 26, 2006


Scientists downgraded Pluto's status after 76 years to dwarf planet, leaving just eight classical planets. Thousands of scientists and astronomers agreed at the International Astronomical Union General Assembly in the Czech capital Prague that Pluto, which has been called a planet since its discovery in 1930, would be put into a category of planets called "dwarf planets."At this point who really cares? I must say though that it'll be rather odd to drop the old reference term "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles." Oh the humanity. [source]


Janet Jackson will be on the cover of an upcoming issue of SMUT... I mean FHM magazine. Looking sassy with her nipple covered in white cloth, it's a wonder how this lady was carrying massive back-fat and a double chin last season. Congratz Miss Nasty.
Here, Janet displays how little newborn babies are born, albeit a bit overdressed for birth. Sporting what looks like a Christmas ornament on her belly, the gloved-one's lil' sis is feverishly working on selling some albums. The little engine that could... if I may say so myself.
Now... was that the boob that made it's debut appearance at the Super Bowl not too long ago? "Quite Possibly..." says the other boob. Covered breast or no covered breast, I think Janet deserves her props for getting back into remarkable shape so efficiently...
Yeah, it's obvious that Miss Jackson has more sexual experience now. Her Rhythm Nation days had her buttoned up to her neck as she frolicked around resembling a Black Panther/Service Woman. From Heifer to Ho, Janet takes a page out of the Marilyn Monroe handbook. [source]


I've always said it. Lindsay and my McDonna never looked more amazing than when they're sporting the whole brunette thing. As superficial as the tone of someone's hair color may be, I have no qualms about climbing onto a mountain top and telling everyone that shit like that tickles me beyond belief...

Blue on a white chick never looked so good. Here McDonna lounges slyly in what looks like a sauna of some sort. I think she looks cute here, as she's almost fully advertising her left breast in this pic. That's my girl...
Realizing that she's having brunch with a flippin' dog, Madonna cocks her head with contempt wondering where the blind hell she is. I must say though, the Queen looks ravishingly luscious and angelic... in a Prada sorta way.
Sprawled out on her lavender velvet sex-den of a bed, Miss Ciccone grasps her proverbial heart and sighs with sensuous flair... thinking of me. Although Madonna no longer dresses in such a manner, she remains controversial in many other aspects of her life -- so I'm not worried.
Madonna goes Sailor/Vixen woman as she puckers her lips thinking of me. This chick has been there and done that... literally. If Lindsay Lohan continues to reign supreme as our current lens whore, then maybe... almost maybe she'll have as many photos as Madonna. Bow down to the Queen. [source]

Friday, August 25, 2006


Let's just pray that Shannen's fresh new show is half as good as my beloved (and my haggy's beloved) Charmed was. Let's just pray that Pru gets along with her production staff, otherwise the bitch won't hesitate to drop kick anyone who looks at her wrongly. Let's just pray that Shannen takes all that aggressive energy and direct it towards concentrating on keeping her show running for more than one season. Will she ever top her amazing three year run on the majestic Charmed? Probably not. But it's swell to have hope. "Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty" will feature the star handling the messy task of dumping significant others and walking out on unbearable bosses. The premiere was on August 22 on the Oxygen Channel, so I have to wake up and watch upcoming episodes. Toodles. [source]


How dare you Pru. What will your sisters think? How are you supposed to maintain a big sisterly image by showing your fried eggs to the masses? You should be ashamed. A hooker in water... what would your ancestors think? Fooey. [source]
Looking classy and mature, Miss Doherty seems prepared to bury her unruly past and press on with her new show. Maybe this time she'll get along with her peers instead of pulling hair. I'm rooting for you bitch. Be nice. [source]

Here's Shannen looking voluptuous in a skin tight black dress -- ready to fling your ass across the room with her Telekinetic powers. She seems to be wrestling with what looks like an itchy crotch though... [source]
I have a history of making fun of Shannen's left eye and how it's symmetry is a wee bit off. It's no surprise that if you stare into this picture, you can clearly see that her left eye is epicly higher than her right. My superficiality never extended into something so odd, so I find it excruciating that I can't get passed her wacky peepers. All ocular teasing ceased though, as I was introduced to the magnanimous show that is Charmed. Nevermore did I utter a harsh word towards Pru again. Yes, I said Pru. She will always and forever remain Pru to me. My love for that show extended beyond Pru's eerie eye and it allowed me to see her for the symmetrical women she is INSIDE. So... I end my Pru Halliwell shout out here. [source]

Thursday, August 24, 2006


For those folks at the workplace who just don't get it, take a look. Really, take a look. My condolences go out to the hard-working individuals who are aware of the standard ethics code at the workplace. In every basket you have your sour apple, the chick (and I say chick because fat dudes tend to cover up more often) who's just a little too proud for their own good. It's not cute Latesha. Go home.


My balls began to twitch with glee as I came upon this promo poster for one of my favorite television shows out there... LOST. As I observed this odd teaser pic, I noticed that Sawyer's eyes, among others, look rather eerie and translucent. As I glimpsed even closer I noticed Henry Gale, the creepy dude who had me unwillingly mesmerized last season, is still around. To this moment I remain in a permanent fog as to what's really going on at the island. My friends have come up with a batch of theories (including myself) for the sole purpose of making sense of the erratic plot. Are they dead and in purgatory? Are they sitting directly in the center of the Bermuda Triangle? Hopefully Henry Gale will just kill them all and sail off into the sunset. Only time will tell bitches. Tune in on Wednesday, September 27th at 9/8c. [source]

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


Daniel Sunjata can be my personal Bulldog anytime he'd like. It's no surprise to my usual readers that I find this Rescue Me star quite erotically engulfing, so here's a trio of pics which display why I'm so enamored with this lusty latin. Enjoy. [source]
I could stare at this mutha effa all day you know. I must admit that suspenders never looked so good. Daniel draws his acting inspiration from endless sex-filled evenings spent with me, keeping him striving for a dominating roll on his popular series. [source]
I close my obsessive post on Daniel with a pic of him in his fireman garb. My Danny boy looks rather smoldering in this particular shot due to his soot-smeared face. His dimples and lips keep me coveting for a night of naked Twister and Margaritas. [source]


Joey Lawrence will no doubt be the most talked about (and by that I mean ripped a new asshole) when the new season of Dancing With The Stars begins this fall. I mean come on... this dude is screaming closet case. With his gay bald head, his gay torso, his gay arms and legs, and most of all, his screaming queen style of dress... this should be something to look forward too. I guess all those past "WHOA'S" from his old sitcom Blossom was a prelude to his steamy nights with muscular men. Go Joey... Go Joey... it's your birfday!! [source]


Normally I steer clear of directing targeted insults and scathing comments when it comes to my Drew baby, but the temptation is far too great to remain silent. Seen here, Drew takes time out of her busy schedule to sign some autographs... or at least it seems so. She's really writing, "I will never wear a pair of shoes that make me look this shabbily insane again..." 25o times. [source]


Now this particular story had me buckling from laughter. Supposedly, behind the scenes at the Teen Choice Awards, bystanders claim that Jessica Simpson aproached Britney Spears and made some odd conversation by asking Spears if she could kiss her belly. Spears immediately responded with a "no" ultimately insulting Simpson in the process. Now, you have to admit that people tend to welcome themselves to a free touch and poke to poor unsuspecting pregnant women across the globe -- which CAN be rather annoying. So in essence you can't blame the Pop Tart for declining. Jessica was later heard saying... "I'm lucky I didn't ask to kiss her ass..." [source]


This is the current issue of DNA Magazine (Australia's best-selling magazine for gay men). This coverboy represents what I find really attractive in a man's body. He's cute and all, but his body makes me howl. I aspire to retain such symmetry and hotness. His legs in particular... my gosh. [source]

Tuesday, August 22, 2006


Just a little reminder to all the folks who've been living underneath a rock. Everyone and their mother should be watching this masterpiece of a show. I'm not going to dive into a monologue reciting how luscious and eye-peeling this drama series is, but I will demand that you keep your schedules crystal clear on Tuesdays at 10pm on FX. If you don't... I will hunt you down and burn your eyelids. [source]


Hmmmmmmm... what do you think inspired Beyonce to write this song? Could it be the infamous alleged Jay-Z and Rihanna rendezvous drama? Singing with such fury, you can't help but picture miss thang putting all her rings on and pinning up her hair, ready for an all out girlfight. How many times do you think she spat on the camera lens as she sang her ass off. Don't mess with this bitch. She'll knock you the eff out.


Lotto. From the beginning, it taunted and played massive trickery with me, as if I was some naive puppet out for quick cash. The NY Lottery hasn't been very kind to me simply for the fact that the winning numbers dodge me like a hooker dodges her pimp. Now, my brother-in-law has been a player since I can remember. He too has been eerily mocked by this addictive little game, sending him into a frenzied battle to crush the odds and end up on top of this sick little tryst with the devil. Despite his "one number away" losses, he's managed to $ hit $ nicely along the way. Gazing at the joy money brings in general, I want some of that. Money has always been my bestest of friends and I can always use a laundry pile of some. This brings me to my point. If you do decide to dabble into the dinero den, then make sure you play $2 straight on separate tickets. Anything over $500 gets taxed, so keep them separate. Two winning tickets, same number, no tax on your money... more joy for you. Just think, all the future gambleholics reading this who decide to use this gem-of-a-tip, will have more money to get that next lotto fix. Play it bitches!! [source]


Time to get back to work...
Oh damn... It's been a while. I've taken some time off of my blogging routine recently due to some family turmoil and drama. During this hiatus, I didn't realize how many people actually read my blog as they've been asking me why I haven't written anything to date. From left to right, I continue to get bombarded from friends and aquaintances begging me to get back into it. I guess internal stress and family nonsense can in fact effect my usual joyous activities and routine in general. No fretting on this side of the fence though -- I find that my emotional armor has gotten thicker and can only stand up to whatever tries to shoot me down in the future. Now let's get back to the hilarity and ensuing mumbo jumbo. Lick it.


Angelina Jolie, an avid flier for some time now, is seen here hopping into her private mini plane as she embarks on a mission to fly over Jennifer Aniston's home to drop a school of dirty bombs. Angelina secretly packed a slew of luggage-sized bombs and a barrel of molatav cocktails destined to leave Jennifer's home in a shambles. Plans to get rid of Jen Jen have been in the works for Brad and Angelina for some time now, and test runs are being done as we speak. A blueprint to get rid of her altogether I guess. Bye Bye Jenny! That whore. [source]


Did he even do it? Is this demon responsible for the tragic death of little Jonbenet Ramsey? Mark Karr's confession to the brutal rape and murder of this little girl has me questioning everything. Sure, he gave evidence and accounts of the murder that weren't even released to the public, but I find it hard to believe that Patsy Ramsey (Jonbenet's mother) had nothing to do with her daughters ultimate demise. Be it as it may, the media will continue to sensationalize this man and claim he is the perpetrator, but I still have my doubts. Call it murderous intuition, but I don't believe this man is responsible for the crime. Myself and others still believe that if Patsy Ramsey had the insane ability to have her daughter compete in these horrid competitions with full-on makeup and swimsuits, then she's sick enough to be capable of setting up her own daughter's death. Poor, poor little Jonbenet. [source]

Monday, August 21, 2006


Britney Spears took some time off her Doritos munching and thong-wearing gallivants to introduce her mess-of-a-husband to a bunch of pre-teen airheads who don't know any better. Mr. and Mrs. Spears made an appearance at the Teen Choice Awards yesterday and I heard it was rather embarrassing to actually watch this fool jumping around on stage. By fool, I mean the scruffy and retarded Kevin Federline. Like Eminem, but without the talent, this white boy seriously thinks he's got what it takes to be another Off-White Thug. Kevin needs a slew of true friends in his little circle to save him from his own nonsense. A true friend won't hesitate to tell you if you look like an asshole without hair. Airheaded tweens across America were salivating, while everyone sixteen and over collectively vomited. Nuff said. [source]

Friday, August 11, 2006


As my loyal readers may have noticed, I've written about my #1 hag countless times, so it's only fair to introduce other hags with luscious potential. Now, when I say "potential" I'm talking about someone who continues to earn their right amongst the Fag-Hag world. I have an extended web of Hags you know -- despite my primary hag being Denise and all. Meet Sara. Sara is someone whom I've gotten rather close to recently and keeps me giddy on the regular. That's major in the fag-hag relationship altogether, as it's a Hag's duty to keep me inspired and ready to burst at all moments. Sara understands my gravitation towards geekness for example. She's a full-on geek herself. She's a geek with buckets of sexy -- as am I. Our recent closeness consists of me hopping on a regular schedule of cracking her toe knuckles, her mission to feverishly punch my upper thigh with disdain -- and peppered throughout all that insane nonsense, she'll completely batter me with her geography skills. Nevertheless I'm always up for a challenge, whether it's my mission to crack every one of her toes or naming the 50 Capitals of the United States. So here's to Sara. You're cute (ding!), you're crazy (ding!), you're sexily assertive (ding!), and best of all... you like me. Love you, hate Middle-Eastern Geography. Enough said.

Thursday, August 10, 2006


Michelle Rodriguez first wowed us with her gritty acting debut in the 2000 gem, "Girlfight." At a diminutive 5 feet 6 inches and a solid 115 pounds of feist, the Dominicana/Boricua actress proved she ain't no punk. The sultry ex-star of "Lost" has been pegged by the tabloids as a hip Hollywood thugess -- reports of her catfights with Chyna Phillips to her Hawaiian DUI, keeps her rep intact. Miss Rodriguez also recently did a short stint behind bars for her island drunk driving escapade. Now 26, Michelle was raised in Jersey City (although born in Texas) by her Jehova's Witness abuela. She now has her own production company and is currently working on an untitled film about two Latina girls caught up in the drug trade. Sorta like Thelma and Louise, but with a Spanish tip. This chicky is hot and makes no apologies when things don't go well in her personal life. Michelle reminds me of the old adage that "good girls may go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere..." [source]

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Way back in a previous post, I made a list of essential fag-hag rules and what qualifies a female on being a Haggy. Unwittingly I seem to have forgotten an imperative trait that demonstrates true fag-hag love and bondship. Now, it's no surprise that us gays appreciate good food. Food can be art. The art of preparing a scrumbtrulescent dish for said homo is drool inducing. To be as fortunate enough to have a haggy is joy in a bucket alone, but to have a haggy who cooks well while serving you overflowing delicacies a plenty -- well, that's just heaven in a handbasket. Denise knows how to take care of her homo. Literally as soon as I walk through her door, she'll ask me if I've eaten, with that caring hag-face I've come to love. Now, let's not get into her snack collection. Capping off what always is a knock out dinner, she whips up a cinnamon crescent roll, a couple of yodels, a handful of chips, and a large bottle of Vitamin Water... because we're health fanatics of course. Future fag-hags take note: THE FIRST WAY TO A HOMOS HEART IS THROUGH HIS RIPPED, SIX-PACK BELLY. Denise knows this. Catch up. [source]


Lindsay Lohan poses like a hot sugary muffin in an upcoming issue of Elle Magazine. Some may say that Lindsay is a lens whore. I personally think she hasn't taken enough photos. Her mug needs to be plastered over every billboard in Times Square. Proactiv has never worked better bitches...
Lindsay just has that face. The face of someone who knows they're hot. The face of someone who'd just done two strong lines of coke, with a Red Bull chaser. The face of a Hot Mess. Love her.
It's no surprise that Lindsay finds Kate Moss to be a huge inspiration regarding her style of dress, and she continues to exhibit her admiration by pulling off some of the most sexy and unconventional looks of today. Lindso is my part-time lover. Did I mention that?
My Lindso demands that you look at her shoulder bone while wearing her Mother's sequined 80's blouse. Why do I love Hohan with such gay passion? I'll never understand it. Allow me to be your Herbie Lindsay, and I'll allow you to ride all you want. Did I just say that? [source]

Thursday, August 03, 2006


The bond between an Uncle and his Nephew is a special one. It's synonymous with a father and son relationship. My nephew inherently resembles me, as my sister Natalie (his Mom) looks a lot like me also. Now it's no surprise that my nephew Eddie (yes... named after me) also inherited the elusive video game gene from his proud Uncle. His hand to eye coordination is sharper than a Hattori Hanzo Sword. My nephew's videogame skills completely eclipse mine at that age and I can't help but grin with pride. Today I will purchase a copy of Mortal Kombat Deception for his Xbox. Needless to say, my nephew's Happy Neurons are popping with delight. To witness such pure joy is indescribable. For that alone I'm satisfied. On the other token, I have no worries about his intellect being hindered as he pounds his controller with his fingertips. He's articulate, fiercely intelligent, attentive and possesses a wonderful sense of humor. I've witnessed many adults who lack those essential traits and I beam while my nephew wields it like a Katana. He's my Mini-me. Love you Spaghetti.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


As some of my loyal readers may have noticed, I haven't been publishing any material for about a week now, as I've been working in Pennsylvania doing camp duty for the mentally challenged individuals I take care of and whom I've come to love. Every year around this time, I pack up their clothing and belongings for a week-long getaway of insane proportions. I can't help but wonder how similar my experience in camp is with the hilarious movie pictured above: The Dream Team. In my group, you have the guy who can't understand why he's coupled with other people with mental disorders, as he's completely in denial that he's "one of them." He even denies his denial. This guy is ironically the one with the largest Psychotropic list of meds. Then you have the non-verbal obsessive one, who'll breakdown the game of baseball, using sign language and violent hand gestures. And don't ever touch his baseball glove unless you've earned it. I can go on with the rainbow of personality traits that were displayed during our little vacation, but I'm still trying to recover from our local Paintball excursion. My trip was a blast and I feel I've gained buckets of patience. Time to get back to blogging. I'm back bitches. [source]


For all those folks who continue to believe that our Ozone Layer isn't riddled with holes a la some Mafia movie -- may the sun place hefty cancerous boils upon your neck, chest and back. Record high temps have people clamoring for their nearest cooling stations for relief, while other New Yorkers find comfort from this blazing inferno in our local pools. Record usage of electricity and peppered blackouts within the Tri State area have me running to my nearest Green Peace office for enlightenment. My eyebrows and ass crack have never been more moist. I don't know about you guys, but I don't find a sweaty ass cute. [source]