Ever wanted to get to know me a little better? Already know me but care to know a little more? Well, I've recently decided to open up to those who give a damn and divulge some of the little things that make me tick and function in everyday life. My likes, my dislikes and even two of my fears will be discussed below and I hope you can come out of this blog feeling all warm and fuzzy (and a little horny) inside. Here goes...
MY AGE
By any means, I'm not a
geriatric walking into the sunset for his final time, but I must admit that I'm no longer the spring chicken I once was. The other night I rolled over in my bed and triggered the most excruciating
cramp in my leg which led me to fall off my bed. Needless to say the deathly, awkward drop did not help.
THE SIZE OF MY BED
My studio only allows for so much
furniture to begin with so I make it my business to accent my apartment with the bare essentials. As a big guy (
tall, not
fat you bitches) it is imperative that I have enough space to allow for an accident-free household. I have a full-size bed. I would fuck up my delicate shins and do the dance of death until I
collapse if it were otherwise.
CHORE I HATE WITH A PASSION
My studio is in an eight-family apartment building and the
garbage pails are accessed through a basement walkway that resembles a creepy, drippy,
stalactite cavern. Every time it is time to take out my garbage I wince in fear and disgust with the thought of walking through this cavernous wasteland.
ESSENTIAL START TO MY DAY
Because it first starts with infatuation,
coffee reels you in like a crackhead to his crillz. As you get to know it more and more, you begin to love the drink, the smell, the taste, the way it is made, the way it looks, where to drink it, how it all started and what it would feel like if I dipped my
penis into it. Oh, have I said too much?
MY FAVORITE COLOR
Don't ask me why I love the color
green. All I understand is that my eyes lock onto this vivid color, sending a message of euphoria to my brain, leading to my intense
gravitation towards the color.
FAVORITE JEWELRY TO WEAR
Let me make this clear. I'm far from your average
Guido or gangster rapper who finds it necessary to flaunt their
bling in place of their small penis. I on the other hand find that a nice
watch is the perfect compliment to the perfect gentlemen (or hot Latin hunk). Pictured above is the watch I have my eye on. Feel free to purchase this
Ed Hardy masterpiece for me out of the kindness of your heart.
KIDS
I truly love children. I really do. I even sometimes
imagine what it would be like to have a child of my own one day. After the
mushroom wears off, I suddenly remember that I'd rather die.
MY LIVING ARRANGEMENTS
As mentioned above, I live in a
studio apartment in Brooklyn New York. As a single man, it is truly unnecessary for me to have a large apartment as I am somewhat of a
minimalist. Plus, it serves as a reminder that I do not want children.
MY MOTHER'S NAME
My mother's name is
Evelyn. My mother is my
life. I love her with all of my heart and have learned to love her in a wiser capacity. My mom might as well have been a ninja because she
single-handedly raised four children and managed to raise intelligent, compassionate children in the process. I love you momma.
MY NICK-NAME
Yes, my nick-name was
Pito when I was a child. My mother used to constantly call me "
papito" which is an endearing Spanish term for "
my cute son." My mother then one day decided to shorten it up to
Pito.
(I could imagine saying the full
papito can get exhausting after a while...)
HAVE I EVER HAD AN OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAY?
I can only imagine that my
tonsils must have been the size of brass balls for my mom to allow surgery on her son. I do remember the luscious ice cream that the crazy nurses gave me every half hour after they ripped my swollen organs from my throat. I say
crazy because one of these
dumb bitches gave me a drink with a straw knowing damn well that I was unable to suck. Needless to say she received a wickedly venomous tongue-lashing from momma.
PET PEEVE
I can't even look at Glen (devil) Beck. I
detest him.
MY FAVORITE QUOTE
There is so much
truth in this quote.
AM I A RIGHTY OR A LEFTY?
I'm a righty. It's the
only time where I run with the sheep.
SIBLINGS
I have three sisters. Their names are
Maio,
Natalie and
Evelyn. They are all bat-shit crazy. Just kidding.
TIME TO MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS
In case you give two flying fucks, I wake up at
6:30 in the morning everyday during the week. My job is
7 minutes away from where I live. Don't hate, congratulate.
MY FAVORITE UNDERWEAR
I will always be a loyal and faithful fan of
Calvin Klein's underwear as I have been wearing them for most of my adult life. Something about the simplicity (and intelligent marketing techniques as seen above) keeps me
contained in a snug pair of Calvins.
VEGETABLE I DISLIKE
Iceberg lettuce is useless and I simply do not enjoy eating it. Most of the time, when I am served iceberg lettuce as a side or in a random salad, they serve me nothing but white vegetative chunks of
condensed water with no flavor.
REASON BEHIND RUNNING LATE
Actually, I take great pride in my excellent
punctuality. If I were late however, I guess I would chalk it up to my trying to perfect my hair. I've always been a stickler with my mane and I will not leave the house until every
hair is in place.
A YUMMY DISH I'VE GOTTEN COMPLIMENTS ON
If you're looking for that one dish that will have you savoring for seconds and thirds, then allow me to make my specialty:
Rice,
beans and
pork chops. Sure, your arteries will suddenly clog and you'll suffer a thrombosis, but you'll die with a pasted
smile on your face.
MY FAVORITE ANIMAL AT THE ZOO
I love
monkeys. They're like
retarded versions of us.
A LIVING PERSON I ADMIRE
His bank account is beyond numbers and he is a fucking genius.
Bill Gates puts his money where his mouth is and serves as one of the most giving, appreciative
philanthropists of our time.
MY FASHION INSPIRATION
Yes please...
Yes please...
Yes please...
LIVING PERSON I ADMIRE
Augusten Burroughs is someone whom I respect wholeheartedly. As an aspiring writer, Augusten has helped me refine and sharpen my writing skills with the flair and creativity I never knew I had
marinating in me.
MY GREATEST FEAR
Accidentally being
swallowed by a
whale shark. Just thinking about it makes me want to pass the fuck out.
TALENT I WISH I HAD
The
piano is probably the most beautiful instrument known to man. The chords and the keys scream
romanticism and
emotion and serves as a
vessel to create music which can touch you in places you never knew existed. I covet those who can flutter across the ivory keys with ease and wild abandon.
Love is a strange feeling that can be one of the most amazing in the world. Sometimes the emotions associated with love are blissful, and there are times where they could pierce you like a Katana to the heart. My friend and luscious hag Tiffany constantly reminds me of how freeing and yes, blissful, love can be. She constantly inspires me to seek for this enigmatic, ferociously tender thing called love...
I'm sure Courtney knows a little thing or two about Love...
I'm not going to preach about how gay love is far more compatible than heterosexual love.
With love comes everything underneath its umbrella. Underneath this umbrella lies a sticky, sweaty, sometimes clumsy... yet passionate, chafe-inducing bunny-sex regimen.
I've only felt it once and I am truly grateful and humbly content that I have not experienced it since. Oh how I fear you... Mr. Broken Heart.
Could I ever love someone to the capacity of marking up my body and soul with their likeness? If so, may this special person be the one who is holding my hand while I have the tattoo surgically removed because I finally realized that I was a bleeding heart, emo wack-job.
Love is not lying helplessly on the pelvis of a dead man. Love is unzipping his goth pants and slurping him down while erotically staring into his amber eyes. Women, take note.
There's no love like Crazy Love. Crazy Love allows you to love to the fullest, whether you rob banks together or ritually have sex at your local public library. Always live hard and love hard.
After all is said and done, I'd like to think that LoVe is something that should be reached for. If you can extend your hand far enough to grab a pinch of what true love is, than you've lived. I on the other hand am patiently waiting for someone to reach out and grab a pinch of my heart. I'm too fucking busy to start reaching and searching. There's not enough time in the day...
