NOW THIS IS HOW YOU SING BITCHES...

THE MOST AMAZING ROBOT I'VE EVER SEEN...

BIOS OF MY PEEPS AT THE GUILD...

I’ve wanted to create somewhat of a bio on my closest friends at my job (The Guild for Exceptional Children) and have finally compiled a list of coworkers whom are worth blogging about. I’ve been apprehensive about doing this in the past because I didn’t want to be accused of favoritism or bias towards anyone. Needless to say I decided on posting it regardless of the backlash I may receive when I get my ass back to work. I leave you with an additional note informing those mentioned that I chose names in random and posted them in that order. 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd or 4^th, it doesn’t matter... the order in which I mention my peeps is completely at random. Here goes:

BELLA

Have you ever been obsessed with someone to the point of pure exhaustion? Have you ever found yourself dreaming of a person and when you wake up, you’re utterly crushed at the realization that they are no longer near you because you’re now awake? Have you ever skipped meals because your stomach has done a complete 180 and ceased to function properly due to your consumed thoughts about a special someone? This is what I’m currently facing and it’s rather baffling to be experiencing it all at once. You’ve got me hypnotized Bella and I’m at your command. Bow down and lick your toes? Yes please…

Tiffany

Young at age but sincere at heart, Tiffany makes me want to regress and take a trip back to my carefree, youthful days. Her bubbly, exuberant personality is the reasoning behind my incessant texting, as I’ve never texted as much prior to this. Many of my coworkers probably aren’t aware of this, but Tiffany is a gamer. By gamer, I mean a trouncing, thumb-pounding gamer for only the elite of the bunch. Pushing the PS3 onto me like a pimp pushing tricks, Tiffany is insisting that I’m missing out if I choose to not purchase this $36,000 machine. I have to pay my rent, so Xbox it is... YO. Regardless of our video game battle, she knows how to make me laugh and constantly reminds me that not everything has to be ripped apart and analyzed for a better understanding. She reminds me to keep it simple. Thank you for that Tiffany love…

Irene

Oh where oh where does this homo begin? Irene is the Platinum Standard of what it means to be a coveted FAGHAG. Although Denise is my numero uno, Irene has poked and prodded her way amongst my fabulously vetted she-servants. Beyond a Type-A personality, Irene is giant in stature and equal in grace as her personality spares no expense in our social circle. When I hear Miss Thang coming down the steps towards my direction (and trust me, you can hear her), I feel a sudden tickle in my funny bone. Sex between her and I have to be prohibited because the world would otherwise implode. I owe my sanity to Irene for without her presence at the Guild, who then would press their breasts ever so gently into my face? I dread the thought…


Darcy

A honky-tonk soul to the core, Darcy is a blond, curly-haired country girl with a mean stomp to her cowgirl boots. At first glance, Darcy looks like an innocent homebody who wears her humbled heart on her sleeve, but in reality, she has the ability to verbally jab you or better yet, simply ignore you, all the while lacing the attack with an innocent smile to leave you utterly confused and exhaustively spent. A wonderful teacher and insatiable spark-plug, Darcy remains an enigma wrapped in a riddle…

Natasha

My Nubian Queen and irreverent lobby eye-candy, Natasha is not your ordinary teacher. Resembling the look of a younger Mary J. Blige coupled with the walk of Naomi Campbell; this school teacher is the definition of class and is an astute professional from head to toe. Mike, our custodian at the Guild, could be mistaken for a clansman yet he himself is enraptured by her regal persona…

Josh

This budding actor manages to hold down a full time position as a teacher while also managing to stay focused as a father and husband. During his off hours, you can find him in front of the camera doing bit parts in your latest films. Josh certainly lives life to its fullest and shares the same sarcastic, sadistic humor as me. Josh is currently filming a Martin Scorcese period film taking place in the 1920's. I wonder where all his hard work will take him in the world of film. I wish him the best in what he does as I look up to him as if he were my older brother…

TEN HONEST THINGS ABOUT ME...

When I was tagged by the angelic Allison over at La Dolce Vita to name 10 honest things about myself, my heart began to race. First, to be tagged by Allison, your are expected to tap into untouched territory and ooze pure honesty. Second, I have nothing to be ashamed of because I love myself inside and out. I will try to speak from the heart (and a little from my groin) so here goes:

1. As much as I've tried to make sense of my newly discovered heterosexual side, I still remain in an utter fog as to what exactly it is I'm experiencing. It used to be that one minute I was picturing a sweaty Latino hunk bending over to pick up a coin and then the next second, a thunderous flash of pretty vagina consumed my thoughts. Lately though, I've been stuck on just one side of the fence. I'm poking and prodding into new territory (no pun intended).

2. The last time I "smoked the Devil's lettuce" I had all intents and purposes on cleaning my bathroom but instead ended up dancing in front of the bathroom mirror whilst placing an immediate order to Domino's for a delivery.

3. No matter how gorgeous a person's appearance, I manage to always take a glance at their hands. I'm captivated and enthralled by a nice pair of clappers. You could have a face that can sell magazines, but if your hands are hurtin', you can wave bye-bye Gargoyle Hands... (those with askew, irregular hands can skip the waving and simply walk away).

4. I sometimes fantasize about writing a skit with the SNL cast here in NYC so as to have the opportunity to brainstorm with some of the craziest minds around. Marinating in untapped possibilities, I know I can concoct multiple 4-minute skits with genius ease and secure my work with some of the best. I only hope that if I do find myself writing amongst the elite, I won't creep them the fuck out with my laceration-inducing sharp wit. America is not ready for this...

5. I cannot stop thinking about someone whom shall remain nameless. This person is consuming my thoughts and is a pleasant, sadistic splinter in my mind. You know who you are my Bella, and I can't wait to be in your presence again. You are the blood flowing through my veins...

6. Never did I imagine that I would submit to the masses and become entranced by my cell phone. It's scary how much I depend on it. The other day a phone rang on television... low and behold, I ran for my cell phone like Michael Jackson ran for the sandbox.

7. Lady Gaga has finally won my homo/hetero heart. I no longer feel the irrepressible urge to back-slap the bitch directly in her Poker Face.

8. I bet some of you were offended by the ending of #6... (for those who were offended... I say BEAT IT)

9. When I found myself dancing ferociously in the bathroom as mentioned in #2, I was listening to Mistress Barbara ~ Dance Me To The End of Love.
(listen to it here)

10. I see myself having a son in the next 7 years. I shall call him LITTLE MAVERICK.

THE FISH THAT NEVER WAS AND A POSSUM...

So glad to be back... let's get started...

For those of you who actually pay an iota of attention, you may have noticed that I never mentioned the whole "fish" thing again ever since I wrote about purchasing one a few blogs back. Well, about two weeks ago I had really thought the whole thing through and realized that no matter how minuscule the pet, I would still have to deal with its inevitable death sooner or later...

I have a gargantuan issue with losing a loved one so I can imagine the same could be said about a pet fish. Go ahead, chuckle... I can hear you dammit. Laugh it up. All I know is that if my fish died, I would curl up into a sad little ball and cry my queer ass to sleep. With this, I hesitate in welcoming a little life into my home as it requires feelings and constant care. Sure, your average folk would say that owning a fish requires a minimal amount of attention, but to me, I would find myself consumed and incessantly worrying if my little NARCISSUS caught the clap...

As I finally close the tragic chapter in my life titled "The Fish That Never Was," I must give honorable mention to my haggy Denise. Her horrible run-in with a sinister, menacing POSSUM the other night was the perfect bookend to her previously horrifying brush with a creature of the same name. Denise made it her business to begin her meticulous plot in eradicating NOSFERATU once and for all as she contacted me several times to see if I can provide any tips on how "code elimination" could actually be accomplished. Poison, painful traps, fire or a wooden bat, Denise is currently ready for any proactive suggestions...

Before I go, I must give a special shout-out to Tiffany and Missy. These women inspired me to get back to my blog and take care of business. They actually look forward to what I've concocted in this convoluted brain of mine and for that alone I sincerely express my gratitude and love.

~Peace and Latin love to all of my readers ~

I'M OFFICIALLY A GAGA FAN NOW... LMAO

CHRIS DAUGHTRY'S COVER OF "POKER FACE"