THE MAVERICK LIFE: May 2007

DON'T PISS HER OFF AT A YANKEE GAME...

It's no surprise that Denise stands up for what she believes in and refuses to bend to the abbhorent and deficient vermin who seem to follow her wherever she goes. Like moths to a flame, the inconsiderate seem to come a flockin' to her in massive droves, furthering her lack of patience to an alarmingly malignant level.

The story begins at the Magestic Yankee Stadium, you know, where the BEST BASEBALL TEAM in the world can call home. Denise, already at edge because of the new "no smoking" rule in the stands, witnessed two obnoxiously deficient azzholes crushing peanut shells in their hand and proceeded to drop the shells onto the hood of Denise's coworker. Collectively brushing it off as an accident, Denise and company continued to enjoy the Bronx Bombers do their thing. But, like an eagle visually stalking it's prey from a mile away, Denise witnessed these mother effers doing it again. This is the moment where she began to foam at the mouth...

Screaming like only an angry Puerto Rican/Peruvian can, Denise verbally reamed them two new azzholes. Demeaning them like only she can, my haggy had these dudes frozen in their skivies. Like bitches in Nikes, these guys stared straight ahead the whole entire time Denise stared them down with crazed eyes and swinging neck bone. She even called them LOUD and shit. How ironic. I love it.

This here post if for the love of my gay life and loyal wonder of the world. This here post is for the scolding I get regarding my large gaps in postings and lack of Denise-related entries. And finally, this here post is for the threat that Denise has officially made public to anyone else who intends on mentioning marriage to me in the comment area. That's no lie yo...

Lick it... Love to all... and most of all, love to you bishy face.

HEINOUS EXTREMITIES...

Heinous Hands

Jenna Jameson's hand has eerily elongated from those countless handjobs.

Nicole Richie's ZOMBIE CLUTCH.

This is how Star Jones gripped her steak before ravaging it with her incisors.

Heinous Noses

Never mind his PYRAMID-SHAPED nostrils... look at his FLORESCENT skin!! (Time to Vomit)

Adrien Brody's honker can smell a LIE from a mile away.

Owen Wilson's shnozz... from Kate Hudson's point of view...

Heinous Feet

Angela Basset's HOUND DOGS are hurtin'.

Katie Holmes' toes are afraid of the concrete like I'm afraid of CLOWNS.

FOR MOLLY... THIS IS WHY I LOVE AMERIE

LET'S CUDDLE AND KISS... BUT NO SEX OKAY?

I do not consider myself a conceited person or a narcissist by any means, but I find that wherever I go and whatever I do, I end up swarmed in a circle of ladies sweating my every move. I'm not exactly sure what it is that makes these women enjoy my presence, but I do know that I keep it real and interesting... and I'm gay.

I grew up in a household of women (three sisters and SMOTHER) so it's only equitable that I would find befriending a female elementary.

As for the ladies who gravitate towards my direction for some Latin sauce and intelligent conversation, they need look no further for that's why I'm here. All I ask is that you don't expect sexual comfort from me because although I may "look" straight, I'm strickly dickly.

I must say that although I have this pleasant nuisance buzzing about in the back of my psyche regarding the uncontrollable vixens at school, I must give props to Laura for standing out among the flock of salivating succubuses that lurk about. Laura has the ability to laugh and carry interesting conversation with me, without expecting any Latin booty in return. I'm not a fucking slut yo.

Love to all my ladies and their undying loyalty to me and everything I stand for. Love you to pieces. Besos.

WEDDING BELLS AND ONE LESS HAG...

My worst fears are realized. Sara's getting hitched. Not only is someone other than myself touching her, but now he's gotten her pregnant and is permanently severing whatever sexual oddities we've experienced together (and by we've... I mean her).

Sara originally intended to have a simple, quaint ceremony. A quiet gathering of a handful of family and friends. A quiescent, reserved event was the intention -- after all... she is being BOUND AND CONFINED in holy matrimony at City Hall. You go girl.

All was right as rain with the invitations until a handful of relatives and friends multiplied and reproduced into a small country...

How does something like this happen? You think you've planned meticulously well, only to realize that your stratagem has been toiled with... and you soon find yourself resembling Princess Diana with your mile-long veil trailing behind your sorry ass as you part through a sea of onlookers.

I'm not exactly sure as to why I'm distressed about the upgrade to Sara's guest list, but I can only assume that I'm displacing my anger and am instead fretting the fact that one of my haggies will now be limited as to how much love she can extend in my direction. Since it's ALL ABOUT ME, I fear that I won't receive a sufficient amount of pokes, pinches, unusually rough gropes, random ass probes and the usual battering I've grown accustomed to. I'm going to miss it all you dirty bish. How dare you. Don't look at me.

I hate you Matthew.

I do.

JAPANESE TO ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS...

It's that time again. A time where we collectively explore and dissect everything that is odd about Asian culture and the rugged process of Japanese to Engrish translations. As you may know, my haggy and I have a special disdain for everything yellow (me racist?) and suffice it to say, this little collection of Asian madness would be the icing on the um... yellow cake. Love it.