MY HAG'S SPECIAL DAY...

Today is a special day. Today is my HAGGY'S birthday. My luscious and delicious wifey (without all the messy sex) turns 31 today. Now I know she's probably going to have my testicles on a silver platter when she reads this, but the possible ensuing abuse is worth it. This is a time to celebrate... a time to get together with our circle of wacky miscreants and throw all maturity to the wind...

Now, to be clear, it's technically not her actual birthday as Denise has been one of the fortunate and rare babies to be born on Leap Year. February 29th, which only comes once every four years is her true day. Next year she will actually turn a youthful 8 years old. Isn't that a bit boggling? Sometimes it's hard to keep up...

Tomorrow will be a day that I hope she'll remember for some time (we're actually going to celebrate it on the 1st).

Here's to my wonderful and amazingly fabulous Denise. You've made it another year despite getting harassed on the NYC Subway System... here's to surviving the wrath of my madness with complete ease and loving patience... and most of all... here's to stacking another 365 days of bitchiness to your belt. I love you... HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEE.

HEY BUDDY... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

I spoke to someone last night. I spoke to a blogger buddy. Now, I usually don't speak to many people through instant message because I'd much rather speak on the telephone, but this was special...

I won't mention who this person is, but I can tell you that I really enjoyed our conversation. Sure, some of the banter led to pure sexual lust, but even that I didn't mind. Let me explain something here folks. I'm an attractive guy who just recently came out of a roller-coaster relationship (albeit brief) and by all means I'm not searching for anyone at the moment... but when I came across this particular dude, I actually paused and felt a connection. Sure, you can call me a bitch and point your ridiculing finger at my chimerical and mushy reaction to him, but I really don't give two shits. He's a character (like myself... 420 baby!!).

Suffice it to say, the geological distance between us is gargantuan, and I'm not saying I'm going to hop on an airplane to show him personally how hot I really am (not ego... just insurmountable confidence I swear), but I will say that I'm looking forward to getting to know this dude a bit more. Are we soulmates? Are we headed towards a hot and steamy sexual interlude? Who knows. Either way it's worth the attempt.

When everything is said and done and I find that we ultimately end up as buddies, I'm cool with the notion of having come across someone who tickled my manly fancy and made me laugh. But let this be known, I too am a fucking nut and have lots to offer someone who's lucky enough to stumble across my path. Here's to a spanking new friendship to say the least. Wazzup pa, you know who you are...

HAVEN'T YOU HEARD? CRACK KILLS...

Crack kills indeed. It's amazing how the upper part of your ass can end up exposed while the slightest of breeze remains completely undetectable. Or is it? Could it just be a skeezy ploy to just bare your ass-mustache for all to see? Regardless, it's not always a pleasant site:

Serena Williams is looking diesel as she walks her dog... and her ass crack. I swear she's a man.

Seal reveals his upper ass as he completely mangles his baby. What the frick is this man doing?


Robbie Robbie Robbie. Haven't we've seen enough of your saggy arse? Three sets of 12 reps of squats are a man's best friend...



Sorry... as a Hispanic male, I'm not used to seeing itty bitty crack like this on a female. Jeez Paris, I know you feel the breeze girl.

With an ass crack as white as the moon, Mischa Barton should consider becoming an astronaut instead of the B-list actress that she really is...

Kirsten snacks on some CRACK-er Barrel cheese as she attempts to steal my Jakey. Honey, it's not your ass crack that he wants...

Lindsay frightens poor unsuspecting children as she struts her booty crack for all adolescent boys to see.

Kate Beckinsale displays her underworld as she attempts to discreetly pee for all paparazzi to snap. I'm turning to stone.

Jack Black should've flossed before he considered showing his ass cleavage. I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

Aren't you a little old to be showing your ass Fergie? Forty-year-old crack is not Fergilicious.

Cisco Adler shows some ass... as he gets some gas. Hey, at least he's not showing his balls.

EXAGGERATED MORNINGS...

I don't know about you folks, but when I wake up in the morning, I like to crack my window open, put on a black cap and take a rather large insufflation of the morning air. Nothing like it.

LOOKING TO THE FUTURE...

If I have myself a son one day, I shall name him CALVIN.

FOR MOLLY: BOWIE AND JAGGER SHRINE

These wonderfully androgynous Bowie and Jagger pics are dedicated to my luscious Molly Love. Hope you enjoy them as much as they boggled the shizz out of my brain...

Enjoy...

He's eerily alarming, hair-raising and unnerving, but doesn't David look like a sexy sandwich?

This apparatus has gotten on his last nerve. Bowie's chin is sweaty and he can no longer look to the left.

Marilyn Manson has got nothing on Bowie. He's the originator of the ambiguously gay prosthetic suit.


It's all about his bangs, his eyes and his lips. Hell, I almost received a boner staring at his pretty cheekbones.

I'm not sure who that mysterious man in the background is, but it definitely looks like something dirrrrty is about to go down. Hmmmmmmmmm...

Notice the eyeliner and strategically placed whisp of hair nesting on his cheekbone. Sure, it looks natural and poetic, but it's actually a devious plan of domination in the making...

THREE HOT MEN... AND A COUCH

I love this picture of these muscle heads. The one guy on the left looks like he is too large to even sit up. It's like he just fell over every time he tried to sit up. I don't know, I saw this on the internet and just found the photo to be hilarious. I want to seriously molest the one in the middle...

I WILL NEVER, EVER SURRENDER...

To all my devoted gay male readers:

If you consider yourself a true "TOP" you would never submit your virginal ass to reckless assplay and probing fingers. No, a true self-proclaimed TOP shall never surrender their booty to anyone. You hear that JULIO? It's just not going to happen papi chulo. Sorry... exit only...

BRITNEY STUPID? NEVER THAT...

Britney... you know what you're doing after all...

It's no surprise that Britney and Kevin Federline are in the beginning stages of an ensuing court battle for parental rights regarding their children and are both looking to do what they can to clinch full custody. Kevin, as of late, has been slick enough to realize that by laying low and remaining out of sight until his impending date, he is in turn playing it safe, and therefore, shuns any possible future Federline fuck-ups. Britney on the other hand, has been partying it up as if North Korea was planning to bomb the Americas by the end of the month...

Despite the bar-hopping and party-crashing, Britzo fully comprehends that her wonderful fling with cocaine, marijuana and booze (with a red-bull chaser) cannot be traced accurately unless a strand of her locks have been confiscated for testing. Her only concern would be the fact that a hair strand test can trace back as far a five years, thus damning her to the possibility of Kevin (and the court) alleging that the Britzo is unfit as a parent. And what about the bushel of mane Britney so strangely left behind at the Salon you ask? No worries. Even though Britney did in fact leave her hair behind for all to molest, it is mandatory that when receiving a hair test for drugs, the said person is obligated to enter the testing facility and have a certified doctor or official drug tester carefully snip a sample from your head... in person. Otherwise, anyone for that matter can claim that they possess a handful of Britney's hair, so all possible claims automatically become null and void...

Kudos to Britney for manifesting a plan that enabled her to party it up while simultaneously being fully prepared for her custody battle. God knows she has plenty of dinero to home-order a Urine Cleanse or Liquid Weed Away from the back of her High Times Magazine. Hey, it's just my little ole' theory...

NEW AMY WINEHOUSE: YOU KNOW I'M NO GOOD

FLIPPIN' THE BIRD... THAT'S MY WORD

Verne "Mini Me" Troyer gives a little finger to paps outside of a Beverly Hills restaurant, while riding on an assistant. Is your pipi that big Vernie baby?

Drew goes blue with a hearty FU. That's right baby love... you tell 'em!!

That finger belongs to your girlfriend Jodie. Isn't it time to stop flashing your dick?

Britney flips to paps as she cruises on her way to being a hot mess. I love you B!



Vivica digit dances in Miami. Yep, that's Pauly Shore.



Kirstie flips a fat finger just before Thanksgiving, 2004. Tell them to go to hell in a handbasket sista!

P!nk happily fingers the paparazzi while her hubby laughs in the process.

Avril Avril Avril. You're not even that important to be this cocky. Your name sounds like Advil for heavens sake. Get over yourself girly.

Bush Bush Bush. You're not even that important. You're only the President...

MY HEART IS BROKEN...

My heart is aching. I don't really know what to say. She's plastered over millions of blogs and continues to get ravaged by the media and by people who don't even know her. Sure, she's a public figure and with fame comes evil intrusiveness, but when someone is visibly showing signs of a breakdown for all the world to see... well... then there's a time to just fuck off. Britney shaving her head can be analyzed and put under a microscope until the homos come home, but not one living soul (except for Britney herself) can begin to say that they know her. What I do know is that she's a human being; a young woman who's finding herself despite the everyday distractions and media scrutiny that envelopes her daily life. After all, who knows if she's heading into a completely different direction regarding her music and style?

Her long-awaited album will be released at the end of the year. If I'm the only person on line purchasing her record, then so be it. With or without hair, I understand that even the most famous of stars can be brought to their breaking point... and no matter how much you want to portray the illusion of being thick-skinned, every human being has running blood underneath. To all the SADISTS who enjoy seeing a young woman suffering and in pain... take a good look at yourself... then seek help.

AUNT CAROL RETURNS...

INTRODUCING WANDA WISDOM...

I'm not going to divulge to you as to how much I'm in love with the divine, fagalicious wonder-of-a-site that is Wanda Wisdom. All you have to do is utilize the magic of your mouse and click here to see for yourself. You won't regret it (especially if you enjoy insanity on the whole). Love it...

J STATUS FEATURING RIHANNA & SHONTELLE: ROLL

The song is blazing and Rihanna is delicious. The whole song as a package is hot and I especially enjoyed Rihanna towards the ending of the video. She's absolutely gorgeous and her part added nicely to the song. Wicked...

DENISE... MY ONE AND ONLY SUPERHAG

If you've ever been a victim of theft, whether it's home theft or getting robbed out on the street, then you know how unnerving and horrible it is to experience such a terrible violation. Unfortunately, falling victim to such a heinous act was my hag's Asian neighbor... right in front of his own home...

Now allow me to explain to you Denise's luminary and dignitary fever to encompass what it is to be the ideal, trust-worthy neighbor. A week ago, Denise was spending quality time with her boyfriend when suddenly she overheard a quiet, yet anxious yelp from outside her front window. Without pause or trepidation, Denise leaped to her window to get a closer look at what in fact made the strange noise. To her horror, she witnessed her next door neighbor (let's call him Charlie Chan) being assaulted by a man who had him bent and crouched in defense mode. With blinding panic, Denise yelled to Rodney that the poor guy was in trouble and LOUDLY REQUESTED FOR THE WOODEN BAT as she ran towards her front door fully prepared for battle. Now, apparently the thief overheard Denise's cry of war and already had a 4 second head start in the run for his life. Denise threw open the front door and Rodney followed... both completely ready and eerily intrigued with the possibility of kicking someones ass. As they stepped out of their house, the thug had already crossed the street and began to flee down the block as if his feeble life depended on it. Superhag was ready to tear him up from toe to top...

After the police were called and Denise was assured that Charlie Chan was ok, she returned home heated... and left with the tortured feelings of aggressive and violent energy...

I must admit that when she told me the story the following day, I felt an overwhelming sense of pride and admiration for my haggy wonder. Selflessly sprinting towards a crime in progress with the intention of helping a stranger in need is commendable in my book, so bravo to my luscious haggy. I went online and have printed out an application for her to join the Secret Service. This country can use a female disputant in the Service. The crime rate will surely plummet. Love you bishy.

THEMED HUNKS: GUYS I STRAIGHT UP WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH...




BRONZED, SLIGHTLY HAIRY, NICE NIPPLES AND SLY MONA LISA SMIRK... THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

THIS DUDE HAS SEXY EARS AND LOOKS SUPER HOT IN THAT YELLOW TOWEL... THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

SURE, HE MIGHT CHOKE AND BEAT ME IN THE PROCESS... BUT THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

HE'S POOPED AND NEEDS A NAP... THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

FIRST HE ENJOYS A NICE SHAVE, THEN HE ENJOYS AN AFTERNOON LOVE SESSION WITH MOI... THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A CHISELED TORSO IN SOME TIME... THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

HE'S YOUNG AND LOOKS BARELY LEGAL, THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

FALLING TOWELS ARE A GOOD THING, THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

THE GUY LOOKS HOT SIMPLY BY LAYING AGAINST A BALLET BAR, THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

JUST LOOK AT HIS EYES... WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM??

HE LOOKS LIKE HE CAN SCREAM WELL... THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

HE'S NOT CONVENTIONALLY HOT, BUT I STILL CONSIDER WANTING TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

I WOULD BOX DOWN HIS ASS IN A MINUTE... THAT'S WHY ME, AND OTHER SANE HOMOSEXUALS (AND HAGGIES) COLLECTIVELY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

SURE... HE'S A LITTLE BLURRY... BUT I STILL RECOGNIZE THAT I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM...

HOW MANY GUYS CAN LAY DOWN LIKE THIS AND INSTANTLY MAKE YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM??

HE LOOKS OILED AND SOMBER... THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM... AND THEN SPOON HIM...