HAPPY NEW YEAR WITH A SPECIAL THANKS

2006 has come and gone, and it's been a crazy year indeed. We've seen Britney dump Kevin, Nicole Richie walk like the dead and Borat grace the silver screen with his scruffy looks and Neanderthal humor (time to make sexy). On the political front, we've seen Bush fuck things up as usual. No surprise there folks. We've also laid witness to one of the most hideous mud-slinging campaigns in human history. As if their lives depended on holding or winning a seat in Congress, Republicans and Democrats alike have stooped to new lows as if to etch and engrave their monstrous and callous reputations into the minds of the American public. Despite all the drama and throat-slicing, I managed to find peace and tranquility in the little circle of fellow bloggers, friends (you know who you are) and family. 2007 is going to be a trip. I love you all... my bitches.

As this year comes to a close, I must give honorable mention to Lindsay Lohan. Her face has been on the cover of numerous magazines across the globe as 2006 was a big year for Hohan and her shenanigans. Bitch fights with Paris (among others) and paramours a plenty, I absolutely fell madly in love with the little hooker this year. Sure, many of you are wondering why I'm even saying such a thing, so allow me to divulge the reasons why. Any female (star or otherwise) who repeatedly has me questioning my sexuality, or better yet, sexually arousing me when I consider myself 98% gay, well, then they have earned an honorable mention on my coveted blog. Love you bishy face.

MARKO BABY: You became my bro ever since the inception of my blog and I haven't looked back. Your site is full of dance music ranging from vintage to present selections. You spoil me with countless video of hot tracks and your Saunders clips keep me in hysterics. Last but not least you're a SWEETHEART. With all the credentials I'm looking for in a guy, I find myself gravitating towards you and your site every chance I get. Without even knowing me, you placed me on your blogs of note (which by the way stroked my manly ego beyond belief) and for that alone I'm thankful. You rock bro, and when I see you I'm going to grab you from behind and place a sexy wet kiss on the nape of your neck... just for shits and giggles of course.

WAT: My buddy... my fellow Latino. Where do I begin? Although I'm a fresh visitor to your blog, I feel I've come to know you in the short span of our written relationship. I have a thing for Latins you know, so it's only appropriate that I found you interesting and full of zest. Blogs come a dime-a-dozen, and I don't warm up to self-indulgent asses that clog the blogging scene out there, but your site had just the right amount of humor and intelligence that I've been searching for. I'm looking forward to someday meeting you, to see the man attached to the wonderful blog that is the EXISTENTIAL WASTELAND. Besos para ti.

M-FILER: When I came upon your blog, I realized that we immediately had two things in common... our loyal lust for everything Madonna and our similar views in politics. You grace me with your presence by dropping a comment or two and you show appreciation for my love of Hispanic men (Sammy was hot wasn't he?). Your cat is adorable (and you know that I usually dislike cats... but Bubbles rocks) and you have exquisite taste in home furnishing (your table set-up pics were lickable). For what it's worth, I'm genuinely happy that I crossed paths with you. Press on brotha.

STEWART STERNBURG: Stewart is a published writer and an educator. His short stories and overall writing skills keep me inspired to perfect the English language and do so with clarity and class. Sure, I curse frequently, but I take the best that Stewart has to offer and implement his fluidity with my insanity. Stewart buddy, I foremost respect you and your work, and I look forward to many more years of the seductive and flawless art that is your written word.

THIRD INSTALLMENT OF "JAPANESE TO ENGRISH" TRANSLATIONS...

My concern here is that CHERRY has forgotten to take her meds...

Who says you can't shit and get high at the same time?

My ass could use more sympathy...

I have plenty of BRACK friends...

This is why I use a brush...

And let's all make love to the shampoo...

I hope that you enjoyed this installment of Japanese to Engrish insanity and that you'll take the time out to appreciate the sane people around you, for it's just too much to swallow all the oddity in it's entirety. Come again.

SARAH SILVERMAN: JESUS IS MAGIC

Sarah Silverman. Where do I begin? Well, I can say without a doubt that alongside Margaret Cho, Ms. Silverman is handsdown one of the most stomach-cramping, honk-inducing comics to date. While some people lable her a racist and all around picture of imperfection, I like to call her "racially humorous" and edgy. Her bio is too long to list here, but do check out a little background on one of the most intriguing figures of our day. Not one to play by the rules, Sarah's sarcasm and dead-pan style is flawless (although the pre-requisite intelligent humor that is wit must run through your veins). AOL Music has a couple of her "songs" and stand up routines (albeit a bit sensored... but any fool would know what she's saying...) and I'm certain that those of you who already know her have an idea of what's in store for you. So, take a minute and check out this link to some of her hysterical, razorblade-like humor and decide for yourself.

SADDAM WILL MEET HIS END...

Saddam Hussein will be necking with his beloved 72 virgins sooner than later as he is scheduled for his hanging this weekend. I beg the media along with the Iraqi and American government to not make his execution public in any way. Despite him being a horror of a man, I really don't see how a world-wide display of his hanging would do any human being any good. Sure, family members of his murder victims would love to see this man's neck crack and unhinge right before their eyes (they have every right to witness his demise) but the public in general won't benefit... not even a smidgen. Besides, America has far more insidious troubles to worry about right here in our homeland. And by trouble I mean the bumbling fool that is our "leader." BUSH seems nocturnal and blood-sucking enough, why add more to the laundry list?

SHITS AND GIGGLES...

NOTHING LIKE A CIGARETTE BEFORE PLAY

There once was a time when kids would look forward to stepping out for some fun in the sun with their fellow peers, and at most, run into some trouble with the neighbor for hopping the fence to retrieve a lost ball. Today, kids are thrusted into an electronic age where they don't find it necessary to even step outside of their front door for entertainment. Computers and portable game players have replaced stickball and manhunt, making exercise a thing of the past. Like this picture suggests, there are no boundaries regarding what is appropriate and what is taboo. Smoke on little Sum Ting Wong, for life is too short to waste time on frivolous childsplay and festive tomfoolery.

SURFING WITH SILVER BALLS...

Here is the official teaser trailer for the soon-to-be released movie, Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer which was exclusively being shown to theater goers who went to see Night At The Museum. Enjoy bishes.

REMEMBERING BROKEBACK...

I'm taking a little time to remember a movie that completely moved me beyond words. Brokeback Mountain is a movie that I can somewhat identify with (mainly Ennis' character) in many aspects of my life. Never in my life have I witnessed such pure, uncategorized love before. It portrays the love that two human beings can share with one another, and the many emotions you traject and sustain whenever you've found someone who connects with your soul. Jack and Ennis represent a love that I aspire to ultimately attain, and I recognize that love in it's purest form can be tragic in it's own way. And so I take this opportunity to take a page from the past and remember a film that filled lots of holes in my life, holes that have had some kind of taste of what true love is... and I'm surely thankful.

WHAT THE FRICK HAPPENED TO NICOLE??

Can anyone please enlighten me as to what the fcuk happened to Nicole Kidman? I swear I must've been in a rather long coma to not notice or observe what she's been looking like as of late. Maybe it's just me, but isn't she looking quite chopped? By chopped, I mean busted. And by busted, I mean fugly. I'm well aware that Keith recently did some time at a clinic to sober up, but did Nicole take over in his place? Looking like she's ready for a nice hit of crack, Nicole is glistening like she's having withdrawls. Don't get me wrong. Nicole is usually an attractive pale pile of bones, but in this pic, she looks seriously damaged. Keith, what have you done... {pic source}

TUESDAY TUSH

THIS IS HOW I MOUNT MY BED TUSH...

I FORGOT TO TAN MY TUSH... UM... TUSH...

I FORGOT HOW TO WEAR MY ROBE TUSH...

IT'S TIME TO OIL IT UP TUSH...

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SIDE-PROFILE TUSH...

I'M HUNGRY AND I WANT SOMETHING TO EAT TUSH...

DARN IT, I'M ALL WET AGAIN TUSH...

UP AGAINST AN ORANGE WALL TUSH...

TATTOOED WITH HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK TUSH...

BEING THE MANLY MAN THAT I AM, I'M FOREVER INTERESTED IN THE BRILLIANTLY ASTOUNDING MAN-ASS. FOR THOSE WHO MAY FIND SUCH POSTS SHOCKING AND DISTURBING, THEN CLEARLY YOU'RE NOT GAY. ASS, ASS AND MORE ASS I SAY!! FEEL FREE TO LET ME IN ON WHICH ASS YOU FOUND INTERESTING AND PLEASING TO YOUR KINKY EYE. LOVE YOU BISHES.

WHY I LOOOOOVE SEAN PAUL...

BANG YOUR HEAD TO THIS MY BITCHES...

WHY I LOVE DAVID CHAPELLE

By the way my bitches, David Chapelle is completely stooooooned while introducing these fart-inducing clips. I have multiple cramps in my stomach from laughing so much. Enjoy.

JAMES BROWN... IS DEAD

The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, passed away this morning at the age of 73 after being hospitalized in Atlanta, GA due to a bout of pneumonia over the weekend. This somber news is terribly shocking, and it breaks my heart that James was taken away on Christmas day no less.

James Brown was a legend and had a tremendous influence in pretty much all the music playing on the radio today. From rap (yes rap) to Disco, funk and everything in between, James left his legacy of musical genius behind for everyone to appreciate... young and old alike.

Go on with yo bad self James. You'll be missed. R.I.P

ARNOLD GETS YOKED UP...

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fell and broke his leg on Saturday while skiing in Sun Valley, Idaho, with his family.The 59-year-old will undergo surgery to repair a broken femur when he returns to Los Angeles after Christmas. Earlier this year, the Governator collided with a car pulling out of a driveway while riding his motorcycle in Los Angeles and received 15 stitches in his lip (look both ways ARNIE BOY!). That's what happens when you talk caca and are a REPUBLICAN.

DOES THIS MEAN HE HAS A SILVER PENIS?

Sure, the first movie in the Fantastic Four saga was atrocious, but seeing some of the trailer to the sequel, let alone this high-res pic of Silver Surfer it managed to catch my attention enough to post about it. Check this out...

Here is what today's USA Today says about the character: With computer-generated imagery techniques similar to those used to create Gollum in The Lord of The Rings, the slippery Surfer, voiced by Doug Jones, "will look somewhere between gun metal and fluid metallics so you can see the body motion, the breathing, the muscle tone, the mood," says Marvel Studios CEO Avi Arad.

I wonder if his groin area remains a flat, Ken doll-esque non-bulge instead of a metallic penis bump. Hmmmm, we'll have to see to find out.

YES... I'M THANKFUL INDEED

Christmas can be really cheesy and over-emotional, what with the bombardment of countless family commercials and holiday events throughout your neighborhood, one can burst from overload. Don't get me wrong, I revel in the lights, the carols and the shopping rush especially here in New York City, but I can't help but look around at all the droids who are willing to spend their last dime on a gift for someone they most likely don't even know very well. What is this person's favorite color? What music do they like? Do they understand what makes you angry and what makes you smile? Chances are they don't, which leads me to the very reason I still tune in to A Charlie Brown Christmas, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer and my favorite Christmas special above all, A Christmas Story. All because of my family:

• My Mom isn't always the most understanding person, but she does the best she knows how. I cannot stress that enough. Like a roller coaster, her emotions rise and fall on an hourly basis but to my dismay, I've grown accustomed to her mania. With all her chinks and loose springs, I find it difficult to imagine life without her. After all, despite her foaming at the mouth on a regular basis, she does manage to utter the words "I love you" when there are parents who never say such words to their children...
• And now for my lovely sisters. Like snowflakes, neither of them resemble the other. As if that wasn't enough to swallow, their personalities vary from the extreme to the more subdued. For example, my eldest sister Maio (she was named after a Japanese artist) has always been rather blunt and straight to the point. It turns out that her daughter, my niece, doesn't fall far from the demanding tree. I'm grateful though that she's become a caring, selfless mom, as I would've never have guessed she would seamlessly mold into a parent with such unusual ease. Natalie, the second child, is my strength and support. Not only is she an exemplary Mom to my nephew the prodigy, but she also doubles as my personal counselor when I begin fantasizing about leaping off the nearest building to my impending demise. Ending with my youngest sister Lilly, I'm reminded of how the last child in the general family unit usually falls into the careless, daredevil-type category. Always up for a challenge of magnanimous proportions, Lilly keeps me worried and constantly chasing her with a safety net. As always, I love them all and am grateful for the box-full of luminary personage that lays before me.

Christmas to me is a time when you ponder about what life might have been like without those you hold dear to your heart. Without getting cheesy myself, I must say that I wouldn't change a thing. After all, it's my family who are responsible for molding me into the Latin hunk that I am today...

MERRY CHRISTMAS... err... AGAIN

TAYE DIGGS WANTS TYSON BECKFORD...

Taye Diggs reveals his inner metrosexual in a new-ish interview at Elle. The Q&A begins with an appreciation of Taye's bubble butt and ends with his shoe fetish. He also reveals his boy-crush:

• ELLE: If your life depended on sleeping with a man, who would you choose?
• TD: It would have to be a really put-together brother. So, Tyson Beckford.

First and foremost, it's refreshing to hear an actor answer such a question without hesitation. Secondly, Tyson mentioned that his choice was me, so I guess there's a threesome cumming.

OH GEEZ... CHRISTMAS IS HERE AGAIN

Holy shiznit, Christmas is right around the corner. Year after year I promise myself that I'll be prepared come the next Christmas holiday and to my fizzling calamity, I fall head first into a pile of confusion and mayhem. Tis the season to be broke as fuck, so this year I'll be handing out oodles of hugs and kisses, as family and friends should appreciate the fact that I'm still breathing and alive to do so (violin strings here).

• Denise... my eternal friend of lusciousness, is my Santa all year through as she spoils me with the utmost love and attention (even though I complain that she tunes me out here and there). Though I'm not able to splurge the way I would like to this year, everything will come in good time my dear haggy. If the porn career or my editorial dreams at SKANK MAGAZINE come through, you'll be showered with glossy opulence until you shit silver dollars my love. Until then, you'll have to hold your haggy horses and continue to welcome my pokes and sneers whilst my shady aspirations come into fruition. You're the QUEEN BEE honey, the enchilada of all hags, and you should wear that badge with honor and repletion. Love you slappa.

• Sara, my newly crowned hag, has certainly found a place in my heart. Miss thang has been holding her stripes with pride... although her rank was almost discarded the other night after another slip of the tongue. Despite her getting really angry with me simply because I had a different opinion than she, I still love her madly and look forward to many more Christmas' alongside her truck driver mouth. When I see you Sara, I'm gonna molest you. It's my job as your fag to make sure that all your bells and whistles are properly functioning, so get used to it. Love ya bish.
  

• Theresa. I miss you greatly and only hope that by the next holiday, things will return to normal so you can antagonize and berate me, the way you ever-so-creepily do. Where are you bishy?

• My dearest Margaret, who managed to move to fucking Yemen this year, completely and utterly vanished off the face of this mother Earth. I miss the insane conversations we've had and odd little moments we shared last year and the beginning of 2006. I swear you're a gay man in a woman's body. Love you more than Cheez-Whiz on Pita Bread.

• And Aury my sweetheart. You sorta ended this year with a bang up (a fucking foreigner slammed right into her) but you stand proud and remain full of life. No matter what happened to you physically, you still trample on the best of them with your beautiful eyes and splendiferous smile. I want to squeeze you until a little bit of poop shoots out of your booty. Merry Crica.

I end this blog with a special little note to Dewell, who had me on cloud nine until we decided to give our relationship a break so I can emotionally develop (LOL). I owe you my heart and my love when I'm fully able to hand it over. I promise pa. MERRY CHRISTMAS MY BITCHES.

A RAINBOW OF HUNKS

This guy is gorgeous. Because I'm feeling rather generous today, I decided on treating my hags and fellow gays to triple the fun. One picture of this cutie just wouldn't have been sufficient enough.

Now this guy is just a teaser. He knows exactly what he's doing and doesn't seem to care. Obviously he enjoys spending his leisure time lathering on the oil while showing off his pelvic region.

Never in my life have I seen such a smooth chest. Many people define masculinity as having a hairy chest or simply being covered in a layer of wispy fur in altogether. I define masculinity as anything that forces me to adjust my boxer briefs.

Occasionally I post pictures of men from my past, whether it's simply acquaintances whom I've lost contact with over time or brief flings from my sordid relationships of yore. This guy was someone I used to chat with a while back who lived in Wayne, New Jersey. His name is Sammy and I'll never forget our short yet wonderful friendship.

I'm not sure why I find this particular guy attractive as he's not my usual "type." Maybe it's the bow tie or possibly the sneaky little thumb in his speedo that does it for me. Regardless the mysterious attraction, I've noticed that his left pec seems larger than his right. Call me cooky but it's the slight imperfections in guys that I gravitate towards.



Ahhh, Mr. November. What can I say? You obviously enjoy grabbing the handlebar of that bike with the same fervor in which you enjoy grabbing your... um... nevermind. This is not the time nor place to be using pornographic analogies.



Puckering your lips to show your admiration and pride for your favorite baseball team has never looked more... well... sexy. A nice healthy pair of lips and a well-toned, non-faggy body keeps me constantly applying lip balm and doing those extra ten push-ups for competitive measure.



Javier (I used to call him Javey) was someone I met when I was invited to a party some time ago. I kept in touch with him via email and phone, but within the past three years, I've lost complete contact with him. Time to search for his phone number folks, for it's time to get laid.

Because I'm a freak, it was inevitable that I had to throw in a gratuitous ass pic. What good is a list of men without the obligatory ASS PHOTO? Not only does his cute ass match his cute face, he also looks hot with that black tank top. It's all about the ass bitches.

Barely wearing a speedo, this guy caught my attention simply for the fact that his hair is all messy yet he remains cute as hell. His itty bitty top lip hangs over his bottom lip in a delectable manner. Yummo.

It's no surprise that these guys are professional strippers. Professional strippers tend to have this trademark "come fuck me" look that apparently enables them to rake in the cash faster than Rosie O'Donnell can gorge on a rack of lamb. Sorry Rosie, I had to.

Last but definitely not least is a guy who can't seem to keep all the silly paint on the paintbrush. Instead, he finds it amusing to splish-splash his amazingly defined torso with sexy abandon. A little criss-cross here, a little criss-cross there, passing the time by marvelously peppering his abs and chest with paint is the ideal way to spend a quiet afternoon. Hot damn!!

And that my friends is a list of guys who happened to stand out and grip my undivided attention. Not just anyone qualifies to make it onto my lists, so these dudes ought to thank me in person. I'll be waiting with my neck tie and ankle socks (it's a gay thing people).


PS. Feel free to leave a comment sharing your interest in any of the above hunks. I'm curious to see who finds who attractive and delectable to the eye. Love you bitches!!

LIZA LIZA LIZA...

The normally hyper-eyelashed icon looked like she was ditching the cabaret stage for a skatepark when she showed up at LAX on Wednesday, sans makeup and showing off her skater gear. Don't you just want to lick her face? Hyper-eybrows is more like it.

FA RA RA RA RA... RA RA RA RA

Welcome to the finar frontier.

An equal opportunity tanner... (there goes the hate mail)

Have a cup of Joe with the man himself.

You gotta appreciate well hung meat.

Daily whippings 50% off.

Because everyone can use a nice trimming.

And by devour they mean just buy a backpack...



As you may know, I find the whole Asian to Engrish translation thing a real hoot, so it's inevitable that I would post a sequel in behalf of my yellow friends. Enjoy. I sure as hell did...