I'VE JUST SHAT MY PANTS...

I work a long, grueling day folks. Teaching kids the way of the world can be very taxing on the human psyche, so of course, at the end of the day I find myself nodding off into oblivion. While I try to stay awake by shaking off my ZZZZ's with a jolt of coffee, it doesn't always do the job. Before I know it, I'm slouched over with my mouth wide open in the LAND OF LA LA...

Naturally, these narcoleptic bouts do not discriminate, as I pass the fuck out when I visit my hag. This is not a good thing...

Like the Tyrant brute that she is, Denise is not as forgiving as the average human. Sleeping... or even blinking slowly in her presence seems to ironically awaken the Devil within her. Finesse goes the way of the Dodo when she realizes that I'm counting sheep. You see, if I fell asleep because I was completely and utterly exhausted, a sane human being would probably approach me and tap me on my shoulder to make me aware that I slipped into a snooze. This is not so with my haggy of devilish proportions...

With a maddening, thunderous clap, Denise sends me into a state of confusion and terror as I suddenly realize it was her who woke me from the dead. Perplexed and cross-eyed, it takes me about 4 seconds to piece together my befuddlement and regain full composure. How cruel...

Over time, Denise has found several ways to "mix up" her horrifying wakening tactics in the CHAMBER OF TORTURE that is her computer room. Sometimes she decides to stomp her feet, and sometimes she attempts a full-on scolding at the top of her voice. Neither bodes well when I'm in my fragile REM state...

This here post is for the SCREAM/POUNDING ON THE DESK that was ever-so-kindly directed my way last night. I'm still a bit unnerved and jittery and I haven't fully recovered since last night's debacle. Oh the horror...

DIE YOU MASOCHIST...

I love you.

JUSTIN AND MADONNA MIND FUCK...

Just contemplating these two collaborating with one another had me giddy with the thought of the endless possibilities of what they can come up with as a dynamic duo... or trio... if you count the Gorilla in The Myst himself, Timbaland.

Justin's latest album, at least in my non-humble opinion, was fucking banging. I rarely listened to his music during his solo debut and didn't find his shit to be worth a dime and a nickel (except for that one where he's stalking the Britney look-alike in the video. You see? I told you I didn't pay much attention. I can't even remember the name yo). Honkey boy wasn't impressing me at the least so I just forgot about the bone head and didn't even look forward to his follow-up.

Flipping the dial on my radio one day I came across a hot track named Sexy Back and wondered who the flip sang the damn song. I was banging my head to the beat and felt something I haven't felt in a loooong time... INTEREST...

As for Madonna, It's no surprise to my loyalists that I covet the bitch. I savor everything this whore does and always will. And there you have my match made in heaven...

Here is what Justin had to say regarding the direction and sound of the five tracks they've recorded together:

“Some of the dance stuff hasn’t the in-your-face energy of Hung Up but it’s got this mellow R’n'B thing on top of dance accompaniment which Timbaland is doing the beats for. It’s all still in demo phases and I don’t know if it’ll be an album but four or five songs will make really good records.”

I'm CUMMING in my pants.

HOLLYWOOD EATS TOO YOU KNOW...

Kelly Clarkson practices her full-blown deep throat in preparation for her next boyfriend. Slurp it bitch...

Now why the frick would we want to see this bish in pictures, much less eating? Desperate paparazzi...

Diane Sawyer opens her trap wide enough to keep a Basketball Player satisfied. Diane likes them dark you know...

Kelis is tearing up that chicken like she would tear up a vagina. I'm convinced she's a big 'ole dyke on a ninja bike. Nas is blind. One question... where's your milkshake Kelis?

It's been said that Nicole Richie only eats on the 17th of every month, and yes folks, this picture was taken on the 17th of this month...

Michael Clark Duncan eats his luscious salad in the attempt to eat healthy. He also eats small babies...

IT'S A MAN BABY...

I've always been a little intimidated and perplexed by the Williams sisters. While Venus is truly hard to look at, what with her mono-brow and scary braids to boot, it's Serena that has me questioning everything that's conventional about a woman's body. While tennis is without a doubt a grueling, physical sport that can surely tone your body, Serena on the other hand must be sipping some STEROID COLA because this chick looks like a fucking MAN. Is she really a man? What is going on here? I'm sure she has a MANGINA folks. Take a look for yourself.. .

Here, Serena keeps busy applying the suntan lotion (what for?) whilst her MAN-BOOB slowly creeps out from down below her MANKINI. It's a man baby...

Why is Serena gay? I'll tell you why. Serena's gay because that's what you call two men who frolic in the beach water together. It's a man baby...

Okay, although I'm convinced it's a man, I do feel somewhat thrown off with this clear shot of Serena's gargantuan ass. Sure, there are plenty of dudes with chunky posteriors, but this takes the TRANNY CAKE. Even I almost got a woody, and that scares the shizz out of me. It's a man baby...

NOW THIS IS HOW YOU DANCE BITCHES...

AMY'S EMOTIONS TAKE OVER... LOVE IT

TIME FOR A BREAK... HOW 'BOUT SOME CRILLZ?

Drugs are a bitch. They grab a hold of your soul and choke-hold your entire being... your entity. As if that's not enough, drugs sometimes make you do silly things for all the world to see. Here is a little compilation I'd like to call DRUGGYWOOD. Enjoy bitches...

After shaving her noggin and acting a fool, Britney Spears finally remained in rehab for some much needed sobering up. You know she still thinks of those massive coke lines on occasion...

Robin Williams, after years of remaining sober, fell off the wagon and dove head first into his Jesus Juice. Like all comics who suck, they find solice in the Alcohol Gods...


Also known as "The Girl Who Loves The SMACK", Nicole Richie isn't innocent in the world of drug use. Nicole used to (and still does somewhat) chase the dragon like an Ethiopian chases a pancake...


Robert Downey Jr... ENOUGH SAID.


Leif Garrett is before my time. I know the dude was and is a major druggie but do I really care? Either way, he reminds me of this guy I know named ERIC. You know what I'm talking about Denise...


Eddie Van Halen, a regular at drug treatment facilities, has reached his pique. Not only is he the master of the lead guitar, but he's also quite familiar with the crack pipe and booze.


AND FINALLY...

Look at Colin's eyes. I mean come on... the guy is swooshing down the ALPS in this pic.

IT'S OFFICIAL... RIHANNA IS MY NEW HAG

Pay close attention to the wicked swing of her umbrella towards the end of the video. Simply hot. I'm in lurve...

CAN WE REALLY BE THAT MEAN??

I will not jump on the bandwagon and submit to all the ranting and raving that the media and public have displayed since Paris was jailed.. and un-jailed. I will not find joy in watching someone crying in fear because she was sent back to prison. I will not make ravaging comments on someone whom I don't even know personally. Like vultures, the media feeds on the sadness and emotional demise of the rich and lost. They're human and feel just like you and I. I will not yield to the onslaught of demeaning and hateful things that people have said about her, solely based on what the tabloids have crafted and molded into their own sorry reality of her. How gullible are we to take that garbage as credible information?

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FUCK THAT... THE BITCH DESERVES IT...

RIHANNA: UMBRELLA FEATURING JAY-Z

Now this is how you make a fucking video. The focus throughout the entire video is on her, spotlighting every one of her moves and gestures. Also, the video is a perfectly synchronized marriage between sound and eye, as the beat bumping in the background becomes the soundtrack to their infidelity. This bitch is good. Jay-Z is cheating on Beyonce with this chick. She's soooo worth the risk of getting caught. Sing it Rihanna... you dirty little bitch...