OLD FRIENDS AND NEW BUTTERFLIES...

As you may have read, I've recently caved in to the masses and created my own Facebook page. Sure, others may be asking themselves... "What the fuck took you so long you freak?" Let me explain...

I refused to jump onto the bandwagon of Facebook and Twitter as I've always considered both of them a product of people who suffer from A.D.D. Facebook and Twitter have been on my not-to-do list for quite some time now but I never knew that I would walk with the lemmings and dive into one of the two.

Now that I've gotten used to the nuts and bolts of what Facebook has to offer, I realized that my true attraction to it all was the delicious option to search for old friends and acquaintances. On that note, I bring you to the reason why I blog today. Never in a million years did I think that I would cross paths with someone I went to elementary school with... the days of Lee Jeans and Adidas with taps. Her name is Missy and she was the one who tickled my funny bone and sparked a massive crush that I thought I had locked away in silence.

Back in the day, I kept to myself and chose the desk at the back of the class rather than the front. I used to pay attention to Missy's quirky yet tough character and giggle to myself when she spit out a curse word followed by a matching verb. Sure, Missy had her little group of female friends, but I noticed that she shined when she was amongst the boys in the class. Quick to fuck up any dude who might test her durability and stamina, Missy held her own while managing to remain the cutie pie she was... and still is.

Missy and I have spoken on the phone a few times and we've written Facebook mail to one another countless times. Getting to know her as an adult has been a pleasure. Call me crazy, but our conversations have been jocular and scintillating. I actually felt butterflies in my belly during one of our last chats. That NEVER happens to me. It's usually the other way around.

Missy is married and I'm currently a gay man, so nothing can really come into fruition as far as any future possible relationship. Although these "challenges" put a halt on our shacking up, I'm perfectly content with the innocent vulgarity floating around my perplexed mind.

Missy my sweetz... I'm glad I crossed paths with you again.
Besitos...

IS THAT YOUR TAMPON STRING BRITNEY?

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

Where am I mailing the detective?

So open the fucking door already!

Someone call Social Services!!

Almost as tasty as the Lebanese Lesbians...

This game give me vely big memory...

Also in Touch Twat...

I no longer have to walk to church for confession...

That way the government can't get a hold of it...

No wonder this parking lot is always empty...

Make sure you wipe up all the blood...

The mud crap tachos are scrumptious...

Now I'm officially depressed...

I get mine permed...

I like to get knocked on the kitchen table...

He is also wanted in 5 states...

Guys, be grateful...

And enjoy it I will... now that I have a TRAY...

BJORK: PAGAN POETRY

Look closely and you will see that the video shows Bjork having full-on sex with her boyfriend. This footage suits the song's premise as Bjork sings about her inner-most lust for her man, while obscenely comparing semen... to pearls. Complete with nipple-piercing and penetration, Bjork sings with honesty and candor. The little hairs on my neck stand up and I completely see it as a work of art. The song is dark and raw, which only enhances the lyrics... so turn up your volume and pay attention. This is the ultimate love song.

SPEAK, SEE AND HEAR ALL EVIL...

Last night was one of those nights where I got together with a couple of friends and had the time of my life. Never failing to disappoint me with their madness and tomfoolery, Denise and Theresa completed my Friday night.

My haggies decided to come by last night to visit their favorite Latino hunk and infuse their shenanigans onto me and my humble abode. Denise and Theresa play an integral part in keeping my sanity under a reasonable amount of control and their visits continuously serve as my anti-anxiety medication substitute.

Allow me to paint a picture of what transpired last night:

Denise arrived at my studio around 6:00 p.m. and immediately began to give me the run-down of what her day was like at work. Never one to hold back, my hag started professing the hatred she had for her job and how her office has become a circus. Foaming and fuming, Denise put her crazy face on and continued to explain how her boss is an insensitive cunt and she couldn't understand why he didn't offer her the Yankee tickets he was waving and offering to everyone but her. I immediately pictured her shanking him and catching the tickets as he dropped to the ground.

When Theresa arrived, Denise managed to calm down a bit because it was SHE who was now distracted by Theresa's story of the day. Theresa lives the life of two Hollywood Stars when it comes to juicy gossip and family drama. Just when you think you have something spicy to discuss, Theresa topples your shit by discussing bootleg movies, the police, robberies and insane baby-daddies. Hail to the Queen.

In between our luscious and delectable conversation, I found myself playing a game of UNO with Frick and Frack. Trying to keep track of whose turn it is when you're laughing hysterically and frequently getting poked and kicked, is taxing indeed. I'm not even going to mention the random on-the-floor pose Denise laid upon me last night. A mile from sexy, this pose had me tortured and confused. Also, and this happens around the same time of the night whenever we hang out, Dee and Tee begin to tag-team my ass into oblivion. By tag-teaming, I mean they cue one another with an evil wink or gesture and flick the ON switch to Goblin Mode. Slyly and slithery, they begin to extend a barrage of wacky attacks and distractions so I can loose all train of thought. This is a malicious diversion that leaves me disoriented, which then allows them to batter me with unlimited Draw 4's and Skips. I wouldn't be surprised if they're hiding the blueprint to their satanic plots in my very own closet. Damn them to hell.

I love you... my two twisted HAGGIES.
Maio and Sara love... wish you were there.

I FINALLY CAVED AND GOT ON FACEBOOK...

One of my friends told me I MUST get on Facebook. Who am I to not follow the directions of a good friend?

So, I did.

What started as a place for college students to connect, has blown up into a monster of "cool connections" for every age. Even old fogies like myself. But here's what I've noticed about Facebook. People write little comments constantly updating you on their every move and thought. Like blogging... but for people with A.D.D.

Susie is: about to take a dump, feeling constipated.
Debbie is: in the mood for a massage...anyone willing?
Sandy is: horrified that the string from my tampon was hanging out of my shorts...

and on and on...

People seem to be even more addicted to this phenomenon than blogging. It's crazy. This whole six degrees of separation is quite extraordinary. It's amazing to see how many people you can find if you just keep going through people's friends. And yet, it's all just a little scary. The amount of detail you learn about people on Facebook sometimes falls into the category of TMI (too much information).

So, what is this phenomenon all about? Are we all so desperate to find people from our past?
Is this the only way we can connect with people? Maybe it's comforting to know we can connect in a moment's notice in this great big world.

If you have any thoughts about this...I'd love to know.

Your Mom is: waiting for Eddie to drop some love on her page... he hasn't written in a while. Where's her Latin Lover?

LOST IN TRANSLATION...

Yeah, but it's a gas guzzurer...

With just a touch of pepper and assault...

Santa, don't look at me like that...

By the looks of his crotch... he's no threat.

HaHaHalitosis...

Pass the glavy please...

Slowly, walk away from the t-shirt...

And here I was looking for new sweat...

He'll be happy to show you the secret handshake...

I prayed to Chrast for a happy holiday this year...

Don't look...

Did it just ask me to have sex with it?

REST IN ETERNAL PEACE MY TITI...

I’m at a loss for words. How do I muster up a sentence describing what I feel at the core of my heart? My beautiful Aunt has passed away... but I believe she is looking down at us with great pride and happiness because once again, her family is together.

The Miriam I know and love would not want my family to stray away from what is supposed to be a strong bond held together with love and respect between us all. Life is staggeringly short and we must cherish the moments we have left here on this beautiful earth. Family is everything.

My Godmother and my friend, Aunt Miriam took time out of her life to ask me questions and listen to my answers. She once took me to Newark Airport because she knew I had an obsession with commercial airliners and enjoyed watching planes take off and land. That day was a memorable one. She asked me numerous questions about the planes’ functioning and was lovingly interested in what I had to say. Amazing.

My Aunt Miriam has lived the life of a hurricane, oddly accompanied by a soft breeze. She would hide when she felt somber and kept to herself until it passed. Sullen yet silly, she managed to take tragedy and turn it into quiet comedy. She was a comic in the company of family and lit up the room with love and affection in a household already filled with laughter. Every family suffers hardships, but our family always found time to celebrate amidst the grief and pain. As a child, I witnessed the sisterly bond of love between my mom and my aunts and only now understand how something of that magnitude is formed and molded through times of both happiness and sorrow.

I’m going to live my life to the capacity and purpose for which it was created. I’m going to continue to make my Aunt proud of me.

When I’m old and brittle and it’s my turn to leave this earth, I will meet you up in heaven by the beach near the tree, so we can watch the stars together. I love you forever Aunt Miriam.

SARA... YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN...

I know I'm about a month late, but my HAGGY'S PREGNANT!! Sara managed to wrap her legs around her husband's waist, and for all intents and purposes... got SEEDED.

Everyone in my circle are well aware that I am not parent material. I hear a child cry and I reach for the masking tape and a thick blanket. It's just not wired in me to be a parent. Now don't get me wrong. I do enjoy children. They're cute little midgets who seem to attract dirt and mayhem. I especially enjoy the children who go home with their mommies at the end of the day. Patience I do not have.

Anywho, I am honestly, and loyally ecstatic that Sara has a newly forming bun-in-the-oven. Sara is a wonderful mom who doesn't pinch or trip her existing child, so to my standards, that makes for parenting material. I'm not worried.

Congratulations to my #2 HAGGY (tied with hIgh) for giving this monumental, horrific undertaking another shot. I think you've inspired me to buy a fish.

Don't ever question my love for you SCALLYWAG. Besitos.