I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING...

MY HOHAN IS BACK...

I love her. I love her like I love men. Lindsay Lohan has captured my attention and those who have read this blog before surely understands the magnitude of my gay crush for this woman/girl. Hohan is a hot mess, a hot mess that awakens the inner heterosexual buried deep within my spleen. Lindsay Lohan is fresh out of rehab and is ready to get back to business again. Move over whores (except for Britney) she's back...

Blow that kiss sweetheart, for I will jump off the nearest building to catch it.

I always thought that Hohan's tooty should be framed. Well this is just convenient ain't it?

Is Hohan having a wardrobe malfunction? Nah, she's just a harlot who wants to tease me.

Red Bull Bitches? Not only is it a refreshing drink, but it also goes swimmingly with an 8-ball of coke.

Half woman, half freckles, my Hohan is having what looks like a Red Bull-induced orgasm.

ESCAPE DENISE... I MEAN ESCAPE THE ROOM

My main hag and I have a schedule. An itinerary of sorts you can say. Denise and I like things in order and our normal routine is a reflection of that. Playing online games is paramount in our never-ending quest for shits and giggles and remains a staple among the countless other activities that we collectively embrace...

During the gaps between our visits, Denise ensures me that she'll select newly added Point and Click games that she will personally filter through to make sure that they're at least translated into English. This is imperative due to the fact that many Point and Click/Escape The Room games are foreign... and by foreign, I mean the evil and annoyingly frustrating Japanese games. Have any of you seen some of these Japanese games? Some are extremely odd... and yes, even borderline creepy. Now don't mistake my frustration for racism, as I normally don't mind sitting near one of them people on the Subway, but when you're combing through a parade of non-English games created my mathematical masterminds, it charges that little nerve above my eyelid.

Occasionally Denise and I stumble upon a gem-of-a-game; a game that tickles our genitals and keeps us wonderfully perplexed with joy and enthusiasm. But that is where the fun takes a sharp dive into the abyss. Ever so often (usually 10 minutes into a game) Denise begins to refuse any input I may suggest. Not only will she ignore some of my comments as if I'm not even in the room, but she'll outright tell me that I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. Here's an example: "Hey Dee, you missed the key on the table, that's why you couldn't get that chest open..." She'll follow with: " That wasn't a key you pussyface, that was a salt shaker..."

Suffice it to say we do come across a memorable game now and then (1 out of 136) and when we do, we'll show our gratitude by cackling, and then sighing in unison. Creepy games aren't even considered on the play list if it's passed a certain hour (7:00pm is the cut-off) as Denise will sever my head if I even asked to play one. Our last encounter with a horror game left us both reaching for the adrenaline pills. Rotting hands reaching out of a decrepit fireplace or flashes of horrific skulls don't mix well with Denise, as I will receive the brunt of her wrath in the form of inanimate objects being chucked at my direction. It's not pretty when she's scared shitless...

If I ever come up missing, all you would have to do is trace the history on Dee's computer and uncover the time of the last horror game played. That would solve the mystery of my disappearance and surely reveal my time of death... you know... for medical records and shit.

MICHAEL BUBLE: YOU DON'T KNOW ME

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO BISH?

I've been officially TAGGED by one of the coolest, most ravishing blogger chicks I know. The mission: NAME THE TOP 7 SONGS I'M CURRENTLY LISTENING TO. This is for my shiny new blogger friend... THE BOOB LADY

1. AMY WINEHOUSE: In my bed

2. BJORK: Violently Happy

3. ESTHERO: Breathe from another

4. NELLY FURTADO: Say it right

5. MOBB DEEP ft. Lil' Kim: Quiet Storm

6. AMY WINEHOUSE: Back to black

7. DEEE-LITE: What is love

Like a schizophrenic on crack, my list is scattered and besprinkled with lots of female artists. Besides Mobb Deep, the guys have been rather disappointing lately. I officially pass this TAG onto: WAT; Marko; M-filer; This boy here; Molly; Christopher; Alex Richards; Erika; and PeeWee.

GOD BLESS IT'S LITTLE ETHNIC SOUL...

Do any of my readers recall a post I did a while back mentioning my haggy Sara and how she had made an announcement that I couldn't... well... announce? Well fortunately, the gag order has been lifted and I'm pleased to announce that my luscious Sara is PREGNANT.

Now, according to this spectacular sonogram photo, there seems to be a glaring and unmistakable error. You see, Sara is Caucasian and her paramour and pre-requisite sperm donator (sorry Mathew) is also Caucasian. As much as you might assume that's the problem, it isn't (I swear I'm not racist). As I surveyed and canvassed the photo, I couldn't help but notice that the baby was in fact... BLACK. Sure, it resembles the shape of a peanut, as do most babies into seven weeks of gestation, but how do you explain the whole black thing? Surely I'm befuddled...

Regardless of the cross-pollination and questionable conception, I'm intoxicated with the thought of babysitting the little tyke and am fully prepared to embrace his or her countless character traits, childhood mischief and most of all, his or her itty-bitty afro.

Some folks say that I don't fully understand how to read a sonogram correctly, but I do know a black baby when I see one. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

CORKY WOULD BE PROUD...

I'm beginning a new job soon, and it's rather interesting that I'll be working with children with physical and mental disabilities. Being employed in the field for seven years easily qualifies me to work with these incredible and often overlooked individuals, but I still remain trepidatious that my skills as an Uncle of two wonderful children will fail me somewhat...

My experience in the field of Mental Disabilities up until now has been working alongside adults ranging from their mid-twenties, all the way up to the golden spectrum that are seniors. Adults, whether disabled or not, inherently have their own character that evolves through time, regardless if they're the mental equivalent of a 4-year-old, so naturally, I pause at the thought of having the opportunity to mold and guide a child through their most impressionable years. It's uncharted territory to say the least. All is well though. If I find it difficult in any capacity, well then I'll just kick them into submission until they learn... lol.

With new responsibility comes a larger paycheck (which I personally lust) so the incentive to press on has never been better. I'm sure I'll warm up to some of these rug-rats as I'll make sure that the difficult ones will visit the electro-shock therapy room quite often, you know, for an "attitude adjustment."

Here's to embarking on a new career that I'm sure will deliver me limitless joy and complete fulfillment... even if I burn my fingers placing the electro-shock caps atop their naughty noggins.

I swear I'm joking. No phone calls to Child Services please...

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY BITCHES...

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN PEEPS: HUNKS 4 U

The guys are back again, only this time I've turned up the sexy full-force. Sure, there are people who'd rather stare at the same, boring-ass Calvin Klein models, but rest assured, they won't find that here. I only post men who have that little something extra. Something smoldering and ethnic, with a little taste of rugged. Fuck chiseled jaws and cheesy poses. I like the real thing...

Some guys just have that skin tone (ahem... Mike) that's a perfect match for lube and oils. My type completely...

I'm not necessarily attracted to his face, but there's definitely something about the whole package that just comes together nicely... or maybe it's the grabbing of the crotch.

Ain't nothing wrong with making some extra cash. Heck, once I go to the tanning salon, I'm considering shaking some of my Latino ass... you know, for that Rolex.


He's not a runway model (barf), he's not some California surfer punk, and he's definitely no sissy... but this mutha makes me want to tussle with a brotha.


Okay, he's a little male model-ish, but his lips and eyes made me consider licking the screen for a hot minute.

This guy looks like he just completed 204 sit-ups. His veiny abdomen was quite disturbing at first, but then I got horny and forgot everything.

A little chin hair never hurt anyone. In fact, I myself sport a goatee on the regular. A freshly shaven face is hot, but a stubly one is hotter.

This dude looks like he's contemplating what he's going to do once he gets me into the bedroom. Actually, what I'm capable of doing to him is the real mystery.

And last but definitely not least is the hottest one of them all. In my opinion, this guy represents what I find attractive in a guy. Well, at least that's my superficial side. I swear I'm not shallow.

That's all I have for now my loyal, slightly crazed readers. Hope you enjoyed this installment of HUNKS. Sooner than later you'll have a new batch of guys to grace your eyes upon. Ladies, you know you love them in the same capacity as us gay guys, only you keep it all inside. Troubled souls... lol.

AMY PUTS HER HEART TO REST: BACK TO BLACK

WHY SUCH ANGER AND HOSTILITY PACE?

Many Americans have responded to what the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Peter Pace has said regarding homosexuality and how it's immoral. Frankly, it's not surprising that many agreed with this closet-case...

I guarantee that those who responded and agreed are from the mid-western red states. It's no surprise that it's human nature to dog and ridicule something that's inherently intriguing; or in fact touches on something that may be buried deep inside their very own corrupted souls.

It's so pathetic how people find it comforting to place quick judgement on something they can't even begin to fully understand. How can they have a stance on something (anything) this profound when their IQ mirrors their age?

Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered people are the real heroes. It takes more temerity to come out and be 100% true to who you are than it does to serve in Iraq. Many troops run amok with their guns a blazin' during the day, while at night they unmask and submit to moonlit covorting and heavy petting among fellow, horny bunking buddies. Fucking hypocrites.

FOR YOU... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

I WONDER WHO'S THE TOP?

Some people just refuse to discuss what they do in the privacy of their own homes. Whips, chains, handcuffs and paddles belong up on the top-left shelf area in your closet and is only to be discussed and used between yourself and your playmate. Bravo Ryan... for you and your man-meat owe no explanation to the public. But seriously... who's the top?

300: DID YOU KNOW?

The Spartan army was known as the "Army of Lovers." It consisted of the strongest, bravest, and most fearless homosexual men who did everything together—they fought together, slept together, ate together, had fun together, and had sex together. Their strength involved not only their dedication to Greece, but their love for one another as well. While fighting they always kept in mind the protection of their lovers fighting at their sides.

Now the homophobes in Hollywood have stripped us of our pride and history by turning the glory of this legendary army into a bunch of heterosexual warriors who couldn't keep their minds off of their wives' titties throughout the movie. Furthermore, the movie is awash with heterosexual love-making scenes, and to add insult to injury, the single most negative character they depicted, the King of the Persians, was clearly made out to be homosexual. They make him into a parody of a gay man with long painted nails, lipstick, thin eyebrows, tons of earrings, and feminine costumes. The Spartans did not love women, they used them only for reproduction. Historical books document that Spartan men came to women only to inseminate them, in the darkness, no less. There were no wives or marriages.

Thanks Rad Homo for the heads up.

SOME STARS ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY

Tom Clancy
" I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

George Burns
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."



Steve Jobs
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."




Rodney Dangerfield

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Sharon Stone

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships."




Steve Martin

"You know 'that look' that women get when they want sex? Me neither."



Matt Barry (who?)"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

DID I JUST GET A BONER?

HASTA LA VISTA BABY...

This is what happens when the Terminator decides to take a dip into the scorching, molten lava instead of sticking around to raise the troubled kid.

Edward Furlong is beginning a new Hollywood trend folks. While everyone's concentrating on rehab and getting well, Ed smokes away while sporting his sexy Meth Bloat.


Second hand smoke has no effect whatsoever on babies. Babies are born with a sturdy set of iron lungs that repel all types of air pollution.

FOR YOU DENISE...

MADONNA WILL APPEAR ON NIP/TUCK...

Madonna is set to strip NAKED in the raunchy TV series Nip/Tuck — for a romp with Cole... um... Dr. Christian Troy. The Queen of Pop will prove she still has it at 48 by showing all in the show about sex-mad plastic surgeons.

A show source said: “Everybody ends up taking their clothes off and usually have sex with Julian McMahon's character Dr Christian Troy. Madonna has the body of a woman half her age and is bound to be in a nude scene. She knew that when she agreed to do the show in the first place.”

Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy is writing a part for the singer and wants her to appear with Rosie O'Donnell, her co-star in the 1992 baseball movie A League Of Their Own (I loved that movie). Rosie has proved a hit with Nip/Tuck fans since appearing as a multi-millionaire lottery winner and starring in a steamy sex scene with Cole... um... Julian McMahon.

Hollywood star Nicole Kidman is also set to guest star in the series. Most likely as a pale ghost.

SHITS AND GIGGLES...

MY HEART IS SECURED WITH A PADLOCK...

I realize that I'm going through a bit of a calamity at the moment. Unfortunately this happens when someone or something plays at my heartstrings and reminds me that I could actually fall for someone again. Sure, I'd rather be single and available for whatever might come my way, but I guess that can get somewhat old...

Having the tendency to walk away from a good thing is out of character for me as I'm usually the one who can spot the object of my desire from light years away. Circumstances and situations of late have led me into an immeasurable fog, but it's inevitable that I must make up my mind...

I get lambasted and poked at for analyzing occasional situations, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. If I dropped my layers and molded into what people want me to be, well then, I'll be a stodgy simpleton. It's my unhinged, barmy layers that fuels my character... so I'll never bend. I'd rather ask questions first instead of slamming my face into a wall and then getting an answer as I bleed heavily through my mouth. Like me for me no matter how much I question life, and most of all... love.

Being protective of your heart can indirectly hurt the ones trying to get in, but that's where I am at the moment and I'm sorry if I come forth as inaccessible. Handing over my heart to someone is something I don't want to do recklessly, as the mechanisms in my core have been chinked over time and haven't fully recovered yet.

For the person who continues to remain patient and opens their heart and mind to understanding that people deal with love and attraction differently, then my heart shall be theirs afterall.

SOME BRITNEY LOVIN'

This post is especially dedicated to someone who's lurve for Britney actually surpasses mine. This is for someone who I actually don't mind sharing her with. This is dedicated to someone who wishes Britney well... so we can track the bitch down and collectively molest her into submission. Britney... we miss you and we want to rest our faces on your breasts when you return.

Look at that beautifully sexy waist. Curves baby. It's all about the curves. It's the white J.Lo. ya'll...

There's nothing wrong with a little bondage now and then. I don't know about ya'll, but I'm yearning to stick my fingers underneath her straps...



Suck on that drink baby... yeah... suck until your shirt creeps upwards hence showing me some boobage.

Britney can deflect all the negative tabloids and unwelcomed comments, as well as bullets. Notice her Wonderwoman Wrist Bands.

Although this photo shows a butter-milk, all-American, apple pie-ish Britney, beneath the suit and gold sandals lies a savage minx who's determined to rip my shirt off and play with my nipples.

She just loves to play doesn't she? I personally love Britzo in brown.

It's a bit difficult to see her face clearly, but who cares when she's got such a healthy, robust and tantalizing stance. Look at that body. I said HOT DAMN.

You silly little tease you. Bedhead never looked better.

Nothing like a wide "I know I look effing good" smile. That's right honey, play mind games with those starving paparrazo.

Here Britney looks like she's on her way to kick someone's ass. Sporting a FIDORA and darker hair to boot, Britney will shank you in a minute if you don't watch yo mouth.

And last but not least, it's the good 'ole Pepsi girl. Fuck Coke and Pepsi, I want some BritneyCola.

AMY WINEHOUSE: IN MY BED

Get used to it. I love her. That's all that really matters... so suck it up and listen to some real talent. I want to seriously molest her... IN HER BED...

AMY WINEHOUSE: NO GREATER LOVE (LIVE)

This here is a young Amy Winehouse channeling some of the most talented souls of The Blues era. Amy hit the pop charts in Europe and is beginning to storm her way to our shores to shake some shit up. God knows we need it. They tried to make her stay in Europe but she said no no no. I swear this bitch is black.

RING THE ALARM... THE GUYS ARE BACK

Haven't been around in a hot while so for all the folks who've questioned as to where the flip my weekly post of hunks have been... question no more. I've compiled a fresh and inviting list of dudes who, frankly, made me hot under the collar. Enjoy my bishes:

MY JEANS ARE COMING UNDONE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO HUNK...

I ENJOY DIPPING MY FEET INTO THE POOL WHILE SHOWING MY SHINY PECS HUNK...

I'M RELIGIOUS, BUT I DON'T MIND SHOWING SOME GROIN NOW AND THEN HUNK...


LOOK AT MY LIPS, SHOULDERS AND HANDS... KEEP LOOKING... THEY'RE NOT YOURS HUNK...


LOUNGING AFTER A HARD DAYS WORK WHILE YOU FULLY EMBRACE A MALE-CAMELTOE HUNK...

HE HOLDS THE KEY TO MY UNTAPPABLE ASS HUNK...


SURE, HE HAS A LITTLE "GAYFACE" BUT I STILL THINK HE'S HOT HUNK...

IT'S DAMN HOT AND IT'S ABOUT TIME I COOLED OFF HUNK...
HOPE YOU WRIGGLED IN YOUR SEAT AND MOISTENED YOUR SKIVIES A BIT. LOVE YOU ALL... YOU NAUGHTY, UNGOVERNABLE READERS YOU...