NELLY IS PUERTO RICAN FOR A DAY...

Nelly Furtado (my Portuguese song bird) has touched down on Puerto Rican soil to begin filming her next music video for "No Hay Igual." Nelly is seen here next to some resident Boriquas, including Puerto Rican Reggeaton artist Rene Perez from Reggeaton group Calle 13. The video was being filmed in Old San Juan, known for it's colonial structures and Hot men. I just made up that last part...[source]

FRESH OUT OF THE FEDERAL BUILDING...

Independence Day will arrive a day early for Lil' Kim. After being deemed a model prisoner, rapper Lil' Kim has been granted an early release from prison. According to the Philadelphia Daily News, Kim is scheduled to exit Philadelphia's Federal Detention Center on Monday morning (July 3) between 6 and 10 a.m. I'm tickled with anticipation to witness the massacre that awaits every female rapper circulating on the radio today. Kim, dressed like a resident terrorist from the middle-east, will terrorize all those who oppose. Welcome back Kimmy. [source]

AND HERE IS MY QUEEN BEE...BUZZZZZZZZ

The Notorious K.I.M, with hair blowing in the wind, shows off her massive bling and petite frame. With jewelry, she weighs 125 pounds. Without jewelry...90 pounds. Scratch their eyes out Kim! [source]

Kim rocks the suspenders and latex nipple-covers like no one else. La Bella Mafia will no doubt pound on her female competition like a judge with a mallet. You've been missed Kimmy!! [source]

Here the Queen of the rap game can't make up her mind whether she wants her bathing suit tied in a bow, or if she should just take it off. I guess the next time I go out on a boat, I'll make sure I'll bring along my gold purse and matching shoes. Kim's sporting the look, and it's all about the Speed Boat bitches. [source]

SHARING 30 SECONDS WITH MY SIS MAIO

Most videos can be described as gritty and edgy, but few are as masterfully done as this performance video for actor/singer Jared Leto's band 30 Seconds To Mars. Lens flares, quick cuts and a variety of film textures create a backdrop for some punk rock styled artistic touches. Scratches and other scribbles appear all over the frame, often hollowing out Leto's eyes or making it appear like his face is cracked and broken. The effect is also used in cutaways with a couple of sexy women, obscuring the tawdry bits that couldn't be shown on TV anyway. See for yourself. [source]

JENNY DOES A BAZAAR PHOTOSHOOT...

Jennifer Lopez recently did a photo spread in Harper's Bazaar Magazine, which I must say she's looking quite ravishing. Seen here in this form-fitting Lavender-esque dress, Jlo continues to rock her hips and booty...in a classy sorta way of course...
During her photoshoot, a staff member proceeded to get on Miss Thang's nerves, so she knocked over a chair and raised her arms in attack mode. Staff and photographers alike will no longer get in close range with the Latin Diva when she's wearing white...

Puerto Rican mama can't seem to keep her jeweled head-piece together. Looking part Egyptian and part Swiss Miss, Jlo is no-nonsense as she refuses wardrobe help -- opting to do damage control herself.

Jennifer contemplates whether she should've licked her gargantuan wedding ring, or if she looked sexier open-mouthed with her rock on her lip. It's obvious she chose the latter. [source]

HEY...SPIDEY IS SWINGING BY IN 2007

Spiderman 3 isn't going to be released until May 2007, but the web-slinger is already raining on Superman's parade by releasing a sweet teaser trailer of magnanimous proportions. Can someone say VENOM?? Spidey joins the darkside I guess. You know, come to think of it, Spidey is comfortable swinging through traffic uptown, and has even been seen frolicking across midtown. In essence I'm saying that Mr. Man needs to swing his fairy-ass down to Chelsea or Christopher streets. If he doesn't play his cards right he'll find himself "webbed up" in an alley around the corner from some bar called "The Cock." [watch the flaming trailer here]

JESSICA WITH HER ALL-STAR CAST...

Jessica Simpson shoots the video for her new single "A Public Affair," in which she made a couple of calls to some all-star friends. Eva Longoria, Christina Applegate and Christina Milian all join the pop-princess for the rollerskating themed shoot, making these women some of the hottest ladies on wheels. I couldn't care less about the video, let alone her music in general. I just care about how she's lying across the chair in total Distress Mode. Drama I love.

DENISE QUALIFIES WITHOUT A DOUBT...

Not just any particular female can qualify as a FAG HAG -- there are rules you know. You see, in order to even be considered you must know the said homo for at least ten years. It takes time to gain trust and maintain somewhat of an abusive yet healthy relationship to have full-blown haggy potential. Denise (my official hag) didn't hop on her hag pedestal over night. She earned it. Here are a few things that I consider imperative in the life of the hag/fag relationship. For example: Listening to your homo in times of stress and bouts of suicidal moments (regardless if you look at him with interest or not) are extremely necessary -- even if you say... "hmmm" or "uh huh" as filler between the boredom (Dee, this means you). The post below breaks it down further:

QUALIFICATIONS ON BEING A FAG HAG...

Sharing an emotional connection with a special television series (Medium) with your Haggy can seem unusual to outsiders, but the connection is so immersive and powerful, you end up scheduling "T.V. dates alone" to steer clear of any howling and spitting from those who don't understand. [source]

Music on the other hand, is a tricky one. Not to be stereotypical by any means, but us gays tend to enjoy an unusual amount of house music. That being said, haggies enjoy dancing just like the next homo, but their patience meter tends to run out after two hardcore tracks. You're better off agreeing on a few country songs instead. Dee and I chose Johnny Cash. [source]
And last but definitely not least, a true fag-hag relationship is nothing without sharing a house-load of chores together. I'll wash the dishes and change the cat litter, while she folds her mountainous laundry and mocks my different color socks and choice of music. [source]

(This article is dedicated to my one and only haggy...Dee. This is for you cunty, for I don't know where I'll be without your aggressive kindness and sarcastic wit. Lick it.)

BANG YOUR HEAD TO THIS BISHES....

NICOLE AND KEITH SITTING IN A TREE.....

Nicole Kidman got hitched with fellow Australian Keith Urban this weekend, and I must say, Mrs. Urban is looking quite enchanting... in a Botox sorta way. Despite looking a bit tight in the face, the Aussie wonder looks amazing with what looks like a classic white wedding dress. Hey, at least she'll have plenty of loving in the sack for years to come. Her previous marriage to Martian Cruise, I'm sure, left her Hymen intact and untouched. [source]

MY HUSBAND MARIO...AND HIS FIRST HIT

Mario Vasquez -- the Puerto Rican hottie who was favored to win American Idol's Season 3 -- has signed with J Records (after exiting the famed competition, leaving fans and Idol peers perplexed as to why the sudden decision). The album is executive produced by recording legend Clive Davis. Vasquez, who names Motown among his musical influences, has recorded R&B/Pop material for the album. Here is my Papi Chulo with his first single. Enjoy the video and try not to kiss the screen...like I did. [see video here bitches]

MY PAPI CHULO HAS ARRIVED...TE AMO

I find it particularly amusing how an intelligent, closeted celebrity exudes subtle clues about his true sexuality. Seen here, Mario wears one of the most sexually suspect shirts imaginable. Now, it's true that Metrosexuals drape themselves in androgynous duds all the time, but Mario does it right.

He doesn't know it yet, but we're gonna make savage love as I wear his hats and play with his hair. Heck, I'm no sissy, but I'll rub my manly fingers through his northern mane...if he wants.

As difficult as it may be to color-coordinate loud clothes with quiet subtlety, he does it with ease. Mario knows how to dress (as do all gay guys) and makes no excuses. I have a similar style, but this boy isn't afraid to flirt with off-kilter patterns and colors. Papi Chulo he is...

In the pic seen here, Mario points to me (his man) insinuating that tonight he's looking forward to doing the nasty...with mirrors, lube and jockstraps...

And I end this Mario blog with one of my favorite pics of all. Mario's just chilling on a fire escape looking sexy as ever. Not just anyone can pull off the yellow hat thing, but my boy looks fine. I'm assuming his hat collection is sort of a trademark. He makes me salivate. My type completely. [source]

REESE SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT YA'LL

In a lawsuit filed Wednesday in Los Angeles County Supreme Court, the Academy Award-winning actress claims the magazine published a false story that she was pregnant "in a callous effort to boost the tabloid's sagging sales." She was later quoted as saying... "It's twins bitches." [source]

DON'T HATE BJORK 'CAUSE SHE'S CORKY

"As an Icelandic Pixie Queen, I must lay on the damp moss and pour out my mystical drama in buckets. I get emotional and coy when I get inspired by nature and it's glory. I'm a hunter, an Aurora Borealis of swan envy. Don't hate on my inner genius, for I'll trample on your soul...musically of course." [source]

WHY DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE THERE AGAIN?

The 2006 hurricane season is here, and if you're a resident of Florida, you know what that means: It means you have the IQ of bean dip. Really now, I don't have any sympathy for those blown into a tree. You deserve it. [source]

NICOLE RICHIE'S METAMORPHOSIS...

Damn, she was a hot mess (although, in retrospect, her fleshy little bod was cute...she should've held on to some of that). The hair? No. The knee sock things? No. The everything? No. No. No.

And then the stylist entered. And at first it was all sweetness and light in the Kingdom of Richie. She toned up and cleaned up. Yes, she cleaned up good:

And then, as we all know, things took a turn for the worst. Nicole got skinnier and skinnier and tanner and tanner. Her hair started to fall out. Her sunglasses ate her face. Her bag was the size of a Geo Metro. You know the rest. [source]

CANDY CORN AND CREEPY MASKS

Halloween is without a doubt my all-time favorite holiday. My birthday being in the same month only compounds my interest in everything October. Although this creepy time of the year is still a ways off, it's only fitting that I plan way in advance for my next Halloween costume. It's no doubt that you'll see a phalanx of people dressed as your usual Dracula or Wicked Witch. I for one, will be donning this gorgeous plastic replica that is Madonna's face. Picture me charging unsuspecting children as I scream "VOGUE YOU BITCHES!!" Can't wait. [source]

MY MADONNA AND HER MANIC MADNESS

"I smoked too many cigarettes today and I'm not happy when I act this way. I've just been a little stressed lately. You know, I almost fell off the cross during my performance yesterday. I'm also fretting because when I woke up this morning...my hair was platinum blonde again. I need another cig damn it..."

That's right bitches. Even I can go GOTH. Don't you just love it? My racoon eyes took about two and a half hours to complete, so you better love it. And oh yeah, my dog collar is platinum you whores. Bling Bling sluts.

Madonna channels some mysterious mystical character in the eerie pic seen here. Madonna's recent documentary "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" showed video footage, albeit grainy/creepy video footage of this very pic. By the way, anyone who hasn't seen this documentary will suffer great pain in their Mangina. Whatever that is. [source]

RANDOM NONSENSE AND PENCIL ART...

Ricky says... "No one bought my flippin' album yo. Maybe I should move back to Puerto Rico and create Menudo 2006. Hey, if I'm not gonna sell as a solo artist, then I should be part of a banging new boy-band for the 30-ish. Quiero Rock!!" [source]

McDonna says... "Buy a couple of tickets to my Radio City Music Hall concert you dirty savages. I won't forgive you bishes if you choose to skip one of my performances. Everybody will love me and they must obey. And by the way...no heteros allowed. Only my gorgeous and loyal homosexual fan-base are able to enter..." [source]

74 year-old Dan Rather officially jumped ship at CBS after feeling his behind-the-scenes work remained unfulfilling and unappreciated. He was later seen flipping the bird at all the bitches who've messed with him. Sit and spin you whores! [source]

HOLLYWOOD'S MOST INNER THOUGHTS...

Listen whores, here are my boobs and my triangular nostrils for all to see. Now when I blink my hazy eyes, you will ALL buy my new album. I'm majestic and so are my hoo hoo's. I'm no longer a beef and pork eating heffer, so give me my props. Who am I kidding? I'm dying for some fried Twinkies... [source]

Rice and Beans yo. You heard me right sluts...rice and beans does a body good. These panties may look like GRANNY panties, but that's all I can fit in yo. Like Shakira...my hips don't lie... [source]

This is where I enjoy rubbing every ounce of Nick's man-juice. Counter-clockwise I rub, making sure to apply even strokes of luscious goodness on my chest. I swear it keeps my skin crazy-smooth. Bitches don't understand how many vitamins there are in a massive squirt. My boobs have never looked better bitches... [source]

MICHAEL LOOKING AS FABULOUS AS EVER

I must admit that this is Michael Jackson's most provocative surgery yet. He looks absolutely stunning, in every sense of the word...don't you agree? His chiseled chin now matches his...err...chiseled cleavage. He looks absolutely fabulous doesn't he? Hit that runway...Michael...you bitch. Work it. If anyone is interested in similar pics of such nature -- here's a link to the site. Work those tits Ms. Jackson if you're NASTY! [source]

YES...THEY'D FIT RIGHT IN...

The following men listed below have been on my sexually suspect list for some time now, so of course it's my responsibility to convey to my readers who I think has the potential to be "light on their feet." RING, RING, RING goes my trusty gaydar -- and so, below is my list:

MY HOLLYWOOD SEXUALLY SUSPECT LIST

Wilmer Valderrama begins my infamous list simply because no straight guy would canoodle with one of the biggest fag-hags in gay history...Lindsay Lohan. Wilmer was so gaylicious on That 70's Show, with tight polyester pants to boot. Now he's hiding his homoness behind meaningless sexual romps with countless young females unaware of his true identity. An identity consisting of a happy sexual life with me...

Jesse Metcalfe is another dude whom I wouldn't mind spending a sleepless night with. Only a homosexual (or bisexual) has the patience and expertise to carve out a pair of eyebrows like this. Oh yeah, that under-the-lip hair patch is gay too.

Alejandro Sanz...what can I say? You find him on my list for the simple fact that he stood in for a video with Shakira and showed little to no interest in her gyrating hips and latin rump sugar. Any dude who can manage to glove his body against Shakira's without batting an eye has to be suspect. Alejandro probably prefers gyrating men and pipi sugar.

My Jakey makes an appearance on this list for personal reasons. I can't explain what it is that has me captivated to his goofy looks -- for it wasn't Brokeback Mountain that attracted me to him. That movie only capped my obsession with him. My attraction to Jake came about when I saw his movie Bubble Boy believe it or not. Never being one to herd with the flock, my love for Jake has existed since I can remember. Why do I think he's gay? He's just too perfect I guess.

[source]

JENNIFER AND HER SLIP CONFUSE ME...

Jennifer knows how to wear a slip. Heck, she can even attempt to wear that purty contraption out in public, and no one would care. Actually, men will salivate and women will hate. Look at how that lace cuts a gorgeous V neck that cascades just above her breasteses. I'm telling ya, this gay life needs a break. It's time to go hetero again. It's time to "poke" at the women once more. [source]

HAVEN'T THINGS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?

As we celebrate Gay Pride in Los Angeles this weekend, legendary New York drag queen and dance music diva Kevin Aviance was attacked and severely beaten in NYC on Saturday, the victim of a gay bashing. In this day and age, in NYC no less, I find it utterly sad and dismaying that this shit still exists. The singer most famously known for his club hit "Din Da Da" was attacked by a group of men yelling anti-gay slurs in which four animals were arrested on hate-crime charges. Kevin is in stable condition and is likely to recover with some time. For all men and women who are attacked for no reason other than their sexual orientation, keep your heads up...things are bound to ease in the future... [source]

JANICE DICKINSON IS WRECKING HAVOC...

Janice Dickinson often annoys me, but I do have to admit that she's intriguing to watch. Watching her insane antics on The Surreal Life had me wondering what her choice of drug was. Was it Crystal Meth? Was it a nice lethal puff from the Crillz Pipe? Could it be a Tic Tac box of Vicodin ES? Whatever it is that keeps this bitch fueled, it's definitely extra strength. Her Bitchness is the star of the new The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency reality show, airing Tuesdays at 10pm on Oxygen. After watching this cork, I need oxygen... [source]

JENNIFER AND MARC DO THE PR PARADE

"These car fumes are fucking up my lungs and hair. My arm is cramping and my ears are beginning to hurt with all these noisy people. I'm the Queen of this parade bitches, so bow down to La Reina mas importante..."

Walking down 5th avenue in Manhattan, Jennifer pretends to have pride in her Puerto Rican heritage at least for a day. Maybe it's possible she experienced a little joy seeing all her peeps cheering and clapping for her majesty. "Why am I doing this yo...I should be getting my facial damn it..."

Jennifer poses with Mr. Burns...um...Mayor Bloomberg and Crack Head...um...husband Marc Anthony whilst frolicking in a beautiful form-fitting dress. Although I find Marc severely hard to stomach, I have to admit that she looks genuinely happy with him (or just stoned out of her mind). [source]