DENISE CAN HANDLE THE JOB...

People all across America fantasize daily as to what is the perfect job. Whatever you do, from Engineer to Office Assistant, almost everyone can agree that they've daydreamed about working somewhere other than where they currently are. Denise (yes, my main hag) has been mentioning that she's had it with her job and would like to finagle her way out of her employ, but unfortunately is not quite clear as to which direction she wants to turn career-wise. As one of her dearest and loyal friends, I've come up with a few suggestions that I hope might clear up her foggy situation. Here are the fields I find most intriguing, and I'm sure parallel alongside her personality:

• Subway Monitor: I can't speak of other Subway Systems, but NYC is sorely lacking in people who are designated monitors. These monitors enable the Subway System to run efficiently while keeping "vermon and hostiles" at bay. Denise would be the perfect candidate on handling such tasks as directing Asians to an alternate route of travel (like their native bicycles). She also would be exceptional at kindly punching her way through a web of idiots who have no clue as how to travel among the civilized.
• Personal Homosexual Chef Services: This particular career entails preparing countless culinary delights and desserts for gay folk like myself. With credentials that consist of serving salivatory sustenance for moi on the regular, I find her more than qualified.
• Human TIVO Manual: Not just anyone can functionally operate a TIVO remote. Heck, there are some who find it difficult to even pause a scene (like myself), but when you can rock multiple season passes while deleting older series' in the process, who needs a booklet when you've got DENIVO.
• Visine Squirter: Hay Fever and eye allergies are always a nuisance and sometimes it can be a bit disorienting to self-administer a couple of drops in each of your eyes. No worries though, as my haggy wonder has the know-how and tenacity to handle such ocular omens. With one phone call, Denise will arrive, and right from your front door can project the necessary amount of eye drops to the effected eyes. With perplexing precision, she can squeeze the tube of Visine and not only apply to your eye area, but she can also apply an unknown amount to your neck, chest, lips and hair. With all those body parts covered in glistening goop, you'll never find yourself irritated again.

LOVE CAN MAKE YOU FORGIVE HITLER

Parting from a long-time relationship is something that takes time to heal. In a past post, I've written about one of my haggies and how she recently broke up with someone she was in a relationship with for three years. I spoke with Sara on the phone yesterday and I found out that she seems to be caving a bit. This is a no no if you want to remain one of my strong, thick-skinned hags...

Losing someone you probably thought you'd be with for a looooooong time isn't something to be taken lightly, I do understand this, but I heard a bit of anxiousness in her voice last night that I haven't heard since her breakup. Sara received a text, then a call from Mathew not too long ago and she told me that neither of them spoke about the actual breakup or anything really related to it. They spoke about FOOTBALL. Ignoring the HUGE PINK ELEPHANT in the room, they discussed the sport like they were ready to travel out west to see the game live... TOGETHER. Tisk tisk Sara love, for I will not allow this to come into fruition...

In the back of someone's mind, it's only common to have second thoughts about things, especially when this thing is something that kept you sexually fed and emotionally charged for three years. But you see, as my hag's primary fag, I have an obligation to keep my haggies somewhat focused and headstrong (even though I'm a fucking wreck). I've always said that guys who cheat on my hags deserve a fate of castration, and Mathew is no exception. Sara Love, you're beautiful, with a side-order of intelligently loopy. That's a quality that most guys would die for in a woman (her fierce love of football would be the cherry on top of the tooty cake).

Sara my love, I'm just simply putting my concern for you out there and ensuring my eternal support in everything you do (even if you consider taking this loser back). I'm sure you'll make the right decision regarding Mathew (three strikes you're out you bastard!) and I am confident that you'll consider all of his devilish mistakes listed below:

• Cheater
• Cheater
• Cheater
• And oh yeah... cheater

For what it's worth, I guess I can say that I'm rather proud that my Sara Love doesn't have a hollow-tin-chest after all. See ya tonight bish.

CREEPY CAT MONSTER

Hey bitches. Missed me? Here goes:

A few days ago I had a dream of my beautiful lil' sis Lilly. In this horrid dream, my sister and I were walking down what seemed like a street in a low-budget B-rated horror flick. I remember being real creeped out and on edge, almost waiting for something ghastly to occur. Needless to say, the attack was just seconds away...

We strolled (I crept) our way to the end of the block and paused at the intersection. As I stood there debating whether or not to cross, I noticed a storm drain a few feet from me. I froze. I froze because I knew that the inevitable was about to happen. Creepy Cat Monster was coming...

Creepy Cat Monster crawled out of the drain, looked directly at us and howled. Like a villainous, wicked cat-from-hell, it crouched in attack-mode. This ferocious feline of death (with colossal, dinner-plate sized eyes) immediately lept onto my unsuspecting little sister like a cat attacking a limping mouse. As the beast mauled and lacerated my sister with fine ferocity, I extended my hand and grabbed the motherfucker by the crest of it's neck. With the sole purpose of flinging it to Timbucktu, as in most dreams, I couldn't muster up the strength to project it far enough to allow for a getaway. Dreams can be unprincipled and vile to say the least.

The cat kept attacking her and I continued to toss it like I do my cookies. Soon there after I woke up in a sweaty mess. This brings me to my interpretation of the dream:

CATS ARE DEMONS AND I'M PROTECTIVE OF MY SISTERS

Fuck a psychologist.

WHY I LOVE THIS BISH...

Nelly Furtado has come a long way since her debut back in '98 with WHOA NELLY. When Nelly first hit the scene, she was an artist that really didn't fit into one particular category so the industry placed her among other pop artists who ironically didn't sound like anything she offered. Now, Nelly is a full-fledged mature singer who continues to write her own lyrics and steadily creates songs (alongside mix-master producer Timbaland) that are unconventional and almost nastalgic. Love this bish.

KKKRAMER T-SHIRTS FOR SALE!!

Michael Richards' racial rant this past Friday already sparked an online t-shirt company to make a rather hysterical cartoonish portrayal of the newly inducted KKKramer. Wearing a clan head cloak and doing his trademark Seinfeld "barging in", KKKramer can't repudiate that what he said... err... yelled rather, wasn't offensive. If you're considering what color t-shirt to purchase, I would suggest BLACK.

GAEL GARCIA BERNAL SUPPORTS THE HOMOS

Actor Gael Garcia Bernal joined other Mexican celebrities Tuesday to voice support for Mexico City's new law legalizing gay civil unions. Garcia Bernal, actor Diego Luna and director Alfonso Cuaron were among 51 people who published a half-page open letter in local newspapers supporting the law passed this month by local lawmakers.

If people across this God-forsaken world had half-a-heart, then they would find this whole issue of gay marriage ridiculous, just like Gael. I personally couldn't care less about those who oppose it regardless. I'm too busy imagining my penis between Gael's ass-cheeks. Luscious.

TAKING SOME TIME TO GET SOME SHIZZ TOGETHER... EMOTIONAL BOTOX IF YOU WILL...

Some of my readers may have noticed that I haven't been posting as of late. This is partly due to the fact that I've been extremely stressed out because of a certain situation that I won't mention here. I didn't realize the magnitude of hits that I've accumulated during my tiny hiatus and frankly, I'm taken aback. Shout out to all my loyal readers and random blog heads (except those negative nelly's who don't have a full grip on my sarcasm) who continue to visit my site for some good 'ole nonsense and ensuing insanity. Love you bitches. I'm back...

JENNIFER LOOKS RADIANT...

Jennifer Lopez is looking ravishingly hot (as usual). Although La Lopez has recently been out of the public eye (due in part to filming a movie with husband Marc Anthony), Jennifer attended the L.A. Free Clinic Annual Dinner in Beverly Hills last night. Que preciosa.

"I'm leaving my deathly, son-of-a-grim reaper husband for my true love Eddie. Eddie knows what time it is. He's the only one who understands the demands of a latin diva and will only cater to my every whim. Love him... hate Marc..."

Looking a bit thinner than her past self I can't help but wonder if Jennifer has completely stopped eating rice and beans. Her ass (although not seen here) is looking a bit more compact as of late.

Posing like a true-blue latina, Jennifer scowels at the photogs because, well, that's what you're supposed to do to look fierce. Why oh why are you with that corpse of a husband Marc Anthony? {pic source}

ROSIE OUTS CLAY AIKEN...

What do you think? The show is in fact named THE VIEW, so she was completely entitled to speak her opinion. Sure, Clay Aiken visibly upset Kelly (I would've fucked him up right there) but was Kelly's comment insinuating something about his sexuality?? Oh, by the way... Rosie just officially outed Gay Aiken. Funny shit.

KRAMER LOSES IT...

Who would've thought?? I've been slammed for posting some risque humor not too long ago, but this is the true definition of being a racist. It really was uncalled for, especially for a stand up comic who should have thicker skin when being heckled by a crowd member. Damn Kramer, you truly disappointed me. Thanks to my little militia that is Denise and Aury for the heads up.

BRITNEY BEFORE KEVIN... WELCOME BACK BABY!!

Thank you to my lovely sister Nat for showing me this video and I'm eternally thankful for her introducing me to this whole blogging thing. Love you sissy!! Check out her newly designed blog filled with Hollywood news and buzz.

SHITTING RAINBOWS...

I've had many friends and acquaintances ask me if I'm really truly gay, as they stare at me in bewilderment searching for an iota of glitter pouring from my ears while standing on my every breath as they wait for a feminine twang of queenish proportions. To their puzzlement, they get nothing.

I don't consider myself the type to frolic in a pink tutu, nor will you find me tussling on a RUGBY field while sweating it out with toothless, hairy men. I'm just me...

At work and throughout my personal life, I notoriously find myself in a crowd of confused folks when it comes to meeting friends... and yes... even potential boyfriends. I'm pretty candid in my conversations, so when sexuality is brought up, I speak my mind and heart. Unfortunately though, whenever someone I'm speaking with finds out that I'm gay, they begin to look a bit perplexed and uncomfortable; almost not knowing what their proper response should be...

For what it's worth, my friends and I have talked about this particular misconception and have just chuckled at the fact that there are millions of guys out there in this world who experience the same shock and awe when they're not seen skipping and snapping to LIZA MINELLI.

THANKS TO MARKO FOR THE FABULOUS PIC

FED-EX'S DEEP AND INSPIRING POEM...

Us Weekly is reporting that master poet and skilled rapper Kevin Federline took a sharpie to his shower door the day after Britney Spears filed for divorce and wrote the following message:

• Today I'm a free man
• Ladies lookout
• K. Federline
• Fuck a wife
• Give me my kids bitch

And here's what Ed Weekly is reporting on what Kevin really meant as he scribbled that poetic mess on his bathroom shower door:

• Today I'm a free, aspiring homeless man
• Ladies lookout for my Herpes, Clamidia and Mono
• Bum Bitch
• Fuck my beautiful, wealthy, I don't know what I'm gonna miss wife
• You can keep my kids bitch
  

NICOLE RICHIE IS LOOKING HEALTHIER...

Praise the good Lord, Nicole Richie is finally getting her shizz together. I am so elated that she seems to be putting on the pounds and is making a return to the land of the living. Nicole has always been my favorite (Paris is fugly) so it genuinely makes me happy that she's looking healthier and won't be blown away in a gust of wind.

Maybe it's just me, but Nicole is beginning to look more and more like Rachel Zoe (her stylist). Not only do they dress the same, but Nicole is beginning to resemble her in the face and demeanor. Am I the only one who sees this?

Nicole shows off some boobage as she grips her bags. You'd think it weighed 200 pounds with the way her arm is strained. I'm just relieved that her boobs are finally back. {PIC SOURCE}

HAPPY THANKSGIVING BITCHES...

MADONNA PARODY: YUP, IT'S THE SAME GUY

Those of you who remember the Beyonce parody of "Ring The Alarm" that I posted a while back will recognize that these are the same people responsible for such hilarity and pee-inducing laughter. This is their take on a trio of Madonna's most popular videos, starting with Burning up, then Justify My Love, and finally the more recent Hung Up. Enjoy!!

BANG YOUR HEAD TO THIS BITCHES

LATIN LOOKOUT: URBAN HUNKS

CORN-ROWS AND HORN-CHAIN HUNK...

WHITE TANK-TOP AND JOGGING PANTS HUNK...

BEAUTIFULLY BROWN AND BY THE BEACH HUNK...

PUERTO RICAN BAD-ASS HUNK...

THE POOLSIDE NEVER LOOKED SO HOT HUNK...

HALF ON THE COUCH, HALF OFF HUNK...

I'D LIKE TO STICK THIS FINGER UP YOUR ASS HUNK...

CARTOONS OF THE PAST...

Voltron. Oh how I loved thee. Just the thought of being able to buy one lion at a time with the awesome ability of joining each of the five cats to create this robotic wonder gave me pure joy. As a poor little Latin boy, I wasn't able to afford all five lions, but in my screwed up little head, I had them all.

Thundercats hoooooooooooooooooo!! Remember this cartoon? I remember rushing home from school just so I wouldn't miss this amazingly well-drawn cartoon. I had an innate passion for this series and of course, had most of the characters lined-up on my dresser with oozing pride. SNARF!!! P.S. Yes, Lionel is holding a 40 oz. of Colt 45.

And last but not least is Transformers. The Autobots and Decepticons' logos alone immediately bring me back to the days where I would save my pennies for the sole purpose of purchasing the latest and greatest Transformer. Although there has been a revision of the whole series and a truckload of new toys, it simply doesn't compare to the DieCast Metal versions of the original cartoon. They just don't make toys the way they used to. Optimus Prime and Megatron rocked.

Here's a supposed snippet of the upcoming Transformers movie. Enjoy. Transformers bitches!

I'M NOT A RACIST... I'M A HUMORIST

This is for Anonymous #1 who just doesn't get it. Too much time on your hands can leave you an uptight, bitter person. There's a difference between RACISM and HUMOR, so I advise you to either stop visiting my blog or simply just get laid. I don't take threats well, so for you to show such disdain and anger in your words, MAYBE YOU'RE BETTER OFF attending a rally against TheMaverickLife. Despite you being a pseudo-intelligent, stick up your ass, humorless bore, you are welcomed to my blog anytime. Love you bitch...

YOU'RE NOT A PLAYER MATHEW...

Breakups aren't cute. Ask anyone who's been with a partner for more than a year and they'll tell you that when a relationship is severed, it can pierce your heart and leave you emotionally injured. This is not so with my haggy Sara...

Sara just recently endured the demise of her relationship of THREE YEARS. It came to a crashing halt when she discovered that her paramour was enjoying a slick new profile on MySpace, seeking another. To my perplexed surprise, I witnessed Sara literally shake it off with ease, almost unscathed by the news she just swallowed. Sara seemed metallic. In a furious swagger, Sara immediately cupped her cellphone and electronically pounded straight to her message options. Needless to say, she "re-recorded" a scathing little voice-mail that was fiercely directed to Mathew, as she was completely prepared for the MOTHER-EFFING CHEAT to call. I won't repeat the exact words of the message, but I will divulge to you in saying that there were lots of F's... and well... F's.

LET IT BE KNOWN THAT WHEN SOMEONE ATTEMPTS TO EMOTIONALLY BATTER ONE OF MY MAJESTIC HAGS, THEY BETTER RUN FOR SHELTER. My right hook can leave you yoked up. It's bad enough that I found it difficult to maintain my animalistic, jealous tendencies with the thought that Sara even had a boyfriend (I'm oddly heterosexual with my hags), but the icing on the proverbial cake was taken when this SLICK SON-OF-A-BITCH ruined a good thing. Sara my love... blowing up Mathew's spot is a complete privilege for me and I find it rather devilish to find so much joy in doing so.

This is MATHEW'S sickening little profile:

Smarter than your average bear, and cute to boot.

26-year-old in Newton, MA.
Seeking 18-30 year old women (more than one woman no less!)

Height: 6'2'' (not only is he a bastard, but he's a tall one)

Education: Associates Degree (more like a degree in CHEATING BITCH)

Body Type: Average (you'll be masturbating more now ASSHOLE)
Occupation:Restaurant Services (smooth way of saying HALF-ASS cook)
Hair Color: Light Brown (more like fuzz from hell)
Income: $50,000 (yeah, if you part-timed as a porn star)
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian (White/Caucasian CHEATER)
I Speak: English (fluent in BITCH)
Looks: Attractive (if you find the POLYGAMIST-type cute)
Religion: Christian (Christians have a conscience you loser)
Relationship Status: Never married (and never will be)
Smoking: Never (you'll need a cig after I'm done with you)
Children: No (how can you have kids when you are one?)
Drinking: Occasionally (you fucking lush)
Wants Children:Yes (how can you have them without a woman??)

Now that MATHEW is outed, I'm sure this will serve as some much-needed closure for Sara as the whole situation was an epic waste of her valuable time. Hopefully this little post will get out to many individuals; almost as a warning of what to steer clear of.

And oh yeah, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF MATHEW. If you have any questions you can come discuss it with me, as Sara is getting laid at the moment.

I'M NOT A RACIST... I'M A HUMORIST

THANK YOU AURY AND DEE FOR THESE GHETTO-FABULOUS GEMS. I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON MY HAGGIES FOR COUNTLESS RIVETING MATERIAL. TIME TO BARF.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND PAY ATTENTION

Thanks to M-filer for the heads up!!

WHY I LOVE LINDSAY...

Don't you just love sarcasm? You see, when it's done right, you'll even question if it's sarcasm to begin with. Just like the photog guy did. Lindsay... I really, truly love you.

TOP 5 THINGS I KEEP IN MIND WHEN BLOGGING

• Before you lash out into a full-blown monologue about spirituality or begin your own sequel to Moby Dick, make sure you can piece together a simple sentence before typing out a 500 word paragraph of grammatical insanity.

• Don't take yourself too seriously. You're not a Nobel Peace Prize Journalist with an on-the-side blogging hobby.

• Unfortunately, there are people who still dial-up for their connection to the web, so all those bells and whistles that are graced ever-so-lovely on your blog probably won't even be seen if it takes the average person more than 60 seconds for the frickin' blog to open up.

• If your comments remain at a paltry two per blog, don't fret. Do you really want a busload of idiotic comments from people who are incapable of leaving their corresponding comment underneath the right blog? Sometimes two comments from close friends or blogger buddies can be just enough to make your day.

• And last but definitely not least, unless Hitler has risen from the dead and is now searching for a blog or two, it wouldn't hurt to pepper your postings with humor. If you're a paragraph-pusher, then the least you could do is keep your random reader awake and interested in the process.

WHY I LOVE MARIO LOPEZ

YES... IT'S TASTELESS I KNOW...

KEVIN CAN TAKE A LONG WALK ON A SHORT PIER

Britney is divorcing Kevin. Whoa... now that wasn't expected. For the last year and a half, rumors of a separation have been consistent and personal fights between them have been clearly visible, so inevitably Miss Spears has been expected to make an announcement. My abhorrence towards Kevin has never been a secret so of course I was pleased to hear that my Britney has finally woken up from her temporary coma. I don't usually consider hearsay and babble as prominent truth and frankly, I really don't care, but something about Britney's sad fall from grace (due to Kevin's scuzzy self) kept me engrossed and enticed with the whole debacle. For what it's worth, I assume Britney has gained an adequate amount of wisdom about the difference between love and lust, and hopefully the next time she decides to partake in partnership with a benedict, she'll do so with great caution.

VOTE FOR PEDRO 2006

After being force-fed one campaign smear after another, I'm just about ready to explode. Never in my life have I witnessed such a cavalcade of mud-slinging and putrid finger-pointing than before this voting year. Sure, you've had your occasional snipe from one politician to the next, but 2006 definitely takes the political cake. Having the ability to vote since straight out of High School ('92) I've made it my business to utilize every ounce of voting right that I have at my disposal. This year, I will do as I've been doing for some time now. I will continue to VOTE FOR PEDRO in hopes that he will put a sane end to all this LEFT AND RIGHT madness. Long live Pedro.

KIRSTIE'S LOOKING CURVATIOUS...

Kirstie Alley stripped down to a bikini last night to an audience who fiercely applauded her massive weight-loss. The 55-year-old actress revealed her new body in full for the first time yesterday during her appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Two years ago the star weighed 220 pounds and has since shed 75 pounds this year while being the spokeswoman for diet group Jenny Craig. I have to admit that Kirstie does look marvelously radiant, sporting her curves like a Puerto Rican Day Parade reveler with flag to boot. Keep it up Miss Alley. Stay away from those Big Gulps and burger chains...

ANGELINA JOLIE: LET US WORSHIP

I've created this shrine for all the Angelina Jolie fanatics who share my obsessive love for this bubble-lipped wonder. Never in my life have I seen another woman exude such raw sexuality than Ms. Croft herself. Ever since I first laid eyes on the gem that was GIA, I can only fantasize as having her as an honorary fag-hag (you're still the best Dee). I partly dedicate this luminous gallery to Stewart Sternberg... for you too seem to share the lust. Enjoy...

THE HOTTEST WHITE DRESS I'VE EVER SEEN JOLIE...

GOTH CHICK WITH LICKABLE LIPS JOLIE...

ALEXANDER'S SULTRY, SCREWABLE MILF JOLIE...

WET AND LUSCIOUS JOLIE...

CLASSIC HOOLYWOOD SLY AND SEXY JOLIE...

BEAUTIFULLY PENSIVE JOLIE...

MADONNA AND JESSICA

Assuming that Madonna had just been in a vicious paparazzi fight while protecting little David (who by the way looks just like her), and assuming that Jessica Simpson had just gotten into an altercation with good ole' Nick for not fully satisfying her in the sack (hence the breakup), then this is what they're mugshots would look like...

LIL' KIM WILL FUCK YOU UP...

Rocking her Queen Bee hat and rough-neck weave, Lil' Kim will fuck you up in the bat of an eye. Looking like she just left the Red Hook Projects here in Brooklyn, Kim somewhat puckers her lips to remind everyone that she's the head bitch in charge. Release that album already Kim!! I'll be the first Puerto Rican on line.

Sure, Lil' Kim doesn't always look like the picture of natural beauty, but here she's looking tight in a brown leather jacket with matching bitch face to boot. Lil' Kim knows how to spit like no other (sorry Foxy) and in my book, remains on top of the hip-hop game. How many licks bitch?

HALLOWEEN: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE KIDS

Halloween is a time of Creepy Celebration and an opportunity to express your inner ghoul. Here, my Eddie Spaghetti poses for the paparazzi while donning his SCREAM costume against an appropriate background. My nephew blended in perfectly amongst the countless monsters and ghosts parading the streets.

Albeit a little blurry, Scarlet looks upon her older cousin with such excitement and wonder. My nephew rocked his SCREAM costume and even frightened my niece earlier that night. I love my Spaghetti and FuFu. It's beyond words.

Scarlet, my little Witchy Princess, walks with her Mommy and Grandma to scout for some Halloween goodies. Literally believing she was a witch, my princess walked the Park Slope streets while proudly channeling the infamous wicked witch from The Wizard of Oz.

Here, my nephew looks at his baby niece with the love and protection that only an older cousin can give. If anyone thinks of coming too close to Scarlet, he'll slice them in half with the precision of Luke Skywalker.

Aury (my newly inducted haggy) gave birth to her handsome Man Of Steel close to a year ago and is obviously proud of her little Superman. Seen here, Evan (I love that name) takes a much needed break from the usual life-saving and hectic eradification of all evil-doers. With matching socks and magical belt, Evan knows how to chill before taking on his Superboy duties.

With eyes as wide as the Grand Canyon and a mouth befitting a Gerber Baby, Evan smiles for his Mommy while flashing his little cape. Up, up and awaaaaay!!

Proud Papa holds his little boy wonder with pride as Evan looks like he's ready to take to the skies to save the world. Because of Aury, I now want a little boy wonder of my own.